May 6

"Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays."  Soren Keirkegaard

I have to admit than in the past year or so I have felt several pulls into potential activities to be more of service. I have felt this need to find the right fit to put my skills and talents to use, feeling like I was being called by my Higher Power to do just so. Yet everything so far has been just a bright, flashy light attracting my attention. I have made attempts to pursue many of these, yet none has materialized into something solid. Today I am in a similar state, the latest thing to catch my attention is sitting in front of me, and I am questioning if this is the path I am meant to follow. Is it where my Higher Power wants me to focus my attention and make a commitment to this cause? My honest answer is that I simply do not know, being even more unsure of myself and this potential direction given all the other shiny things to which I have been drawn. So this time around I am making a change, I am praying for guidance and direction. I am asking others to do the same, to see if this is indeed the way I am being called forward. I do not know how the answer will come or what it will be. I am simply trusting in God, being faithful to His will, and offering myself to be of service. Let His will be done and I shall be content.

Affirmation

Prayer is my connection to my Higher Power and I will use it to seek direction and guidance when I do not know which way to turn.

April 23

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

Unlearning is an important part of my recovery program. I have grown up with false beliefs and perceptions of the world around me. My growth has happened as much from the new things I have been presented as it has been in letting go of old things that no longer support my life and its path forward. This is my understanding of Step Three, of turning my will and my life over to the care of the God of my understanding. It is opening myself to a divine guidance to lead me into the life I was meant to live. It is accepting that I am not in control of everything, and that often I do not know what is best for me. Letting go has been challenging work, it has not been a natural thing to handle. But like many things I am learning and practicing it gets easier with time. I am seeing the positive results as I submit myself to seek the counsel of my Higher Power and stop resisting the course He wants me to follow.

Affirmation

Let Go and Let God is the principle I shall try to focus on today, to seek out His Will and go in the direction that is offered.

March 27

”Life has no limitations, except the ones you make.” Les Brown

I've been accused of being a manipulative individual, of using people to meet my own needs. While there is some truth to this, I am coming to see that it was me who was manipulated first and foremost by my addiction. Those compulsions and obsessions, the warping of my perspective of reality, these are what led to to believe in that false idol and all its empty promises. My thoughts and actions became twisted and tainted by the desires of my addict, that only sought to fulfill its own needs, at the expense of everything else, including eventually my own well-being. My addict was not a helpful symbiotic presence, but a parasitic one, devouring its own host for survival. Life in addiction had limitations, because for the most part, the addict was controlling the strings. Life in recovery is returning control to me. In turn, I am making the conscious choice to turn my will over the the care of a loving, protective, and helpful God of my understanding. This is a path without limits, without bounds, with an endless horizon of possibilities and opportunities.  Yet I can still feel like life is not limitless, I can fall back into the grasps of my addictive "stinking thinking that I am less than, not worthy, or any of the other put-downs that used to hold me prisoner. I am loved and lovable. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I have a purpose. I matter. There are no obstacles that I cannot overcome.

Affirmation

Through turning my will over to my Higher Power today I shall reach further, climb higher, and be the best me that I am able.

December 15

”The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue.” Antisthenes

I once heard a fairly well-known celebrity remark on how his best introduction had been a time when the emcee had made a list of all the things that he was not. It seems a bit counter-intuitive, but then again so is the idea that we need to sometimes spend more time focused on unlearning things than being taught something new. I do see a strong relationship between this concept and Steps 6 and 7. Recognizing my character defects, becoming willing to let them go, and then asking my Higher Power to remove them is really an unlearning process. It is a housekeeping chore of getting rid of my old, unwanted, deteriorated and less useful attitudes, behaviours and beliefs. I need to make space in my life and my world before I can really focus on new ways of living. I am continually seeing how the Steps are a process of learning about myself so that I can get out of the way of my own self-centered ideas and actions. It’s about gaining the awareness that I need to surrender so that I am able to follow the will of my Higher Power. It’s taking the time to slow down, and stop to listen so that I can see the signs and hear the quiet voice of God directing my life His way. This is the power of my program.

Affirmation

Today I will be cognizant of old patterns of thought and behaviours that I need to unlearn in order make space for better ways to be me.

November 30

”Sometimes it is better to lose and do the right thing than to win and do the wrong thing.” Anthony Charles Lynton Blair

It’s hard to do the right thing all the time. It’s even harder to do the right thing when you see others doing the wrong thing and getting ahead and getting what they want. And yet experience is showing me that in order to get what my Higher Power wants me to have, well we’re back to needing to do that right thing. So it goes back to that simple question – is what I am doing to satisfy my own will, or His? Of course this raises up the whole issue of life being unfair, is there really karma, why do good things happen to bad people, and so on and so forth. My job is to stop when I feel myself being pulled into this trap. My concern here is not about everyone or anyone else, and to some degree not even about myself. It boils down to my willingness to surrender to the will of the God of my understanding. Am I truly committed to the program and the better way of life that promises sanity and serenity? Suffering and hard times are a part of life. However I am beginning to see that these darker times are required to provide the contrast to allow me to see the influence of my Higher Power in my life and the world around me. Just as the stars are always shining, I need the darkness of night for them to shine and to enjoy their beauty and wonder. My Higher Power has a purpose in everything, even pain and sadness.

Affirmation

I may be tempted by the easier, faster way today, but I will pause to focus on His Will and His Way.

November 28

”Don't let what you can't do interfere with what you can do.” Anonymous

This is a reoccurring theme that I am hearing around me, in the Serenity Prayer, in the Bible, and in life. Accept what you cannot control, give thanks even in the darkest moments of despair, look for the silver lining. They are wise words, but there are times when it is not easy to see how to do it, how to let go, how to find joy in the pain, or how to dance in the rain. They all boil down to my faith in my Higher Power. How well do I trust that the God of my understanding has a purpose in mind for the situation I find myself in. How is the struggle I am facing going to help me, or help use me, to have His will followed? I simply cannot fathom all He has planned out for this world. So do I balk, do I throw a pity party, do I exclaim to all I meet “Woe is me!”? Or do I go back to surrendering, look back at all the wonderful gifts that I have been provided, the talents that I have, and the fact that I have survived 100% of my worst days so far and find ways to give thanks? It’s my choice to focus on the wall that it blocking my way or to look for the path that goes around it. It is my choice to be a rock on a windy day or the leaf that lets the breeze take it where it is supposed to go. I think I know which one I am supposed to do, God grant me the courage to be blown along the right path.

Affirmation

Today give me the strength to surrender my will and to be glad about it.

November 25

”Character is what you know you are, not what others think you have.” Anonymous

Perception is certainly a big problem in my life, my perception of things as much as the perception that others have of me. I still struggle with the awareness that although I know I have changed because of my recovery, this does not have an immediate impact on how others see or react to me. In some cases, unfortunately, it has no impact at all. This challenge goes back to the basic principle of accepting the things I cannot change and continuing to have the courage to change the things I can. To look at this from another perspective, I know for a fact that much of my life was lived trying to please other people. That same attitude fails if I hold it and try to recover for other people. My recovery is focused on getting my own life in order, for my own benefit. True, I expect it to have a positive impact on others in my life, but that is not my primary aim. I need to save my life first if I can ever hope to be of use to anyone else. In kind, the main reason for getting my life back on track is to acknowledge the will of my Higher Power in all things, and coming to a place where I am capable of doing the things He has planned. If I spend my time worrying about others, what they think or don’t think of me, then I am merely being distracted from my true purpose. I know I have wasted too much of my time already being concerned about others opinions, it’s high time that I focus on the God of my understanding who loves me unconditionally and has forgiven me wholly and completely.

Affirmation

In working my program, in returning to myself, I am being of service to my Higher Power and displaying my true character.

November 19

”Bad habits are easier to abandon today than tomorrow.” Yiddish proverb

Steps 6 and 7 are about looking at our character defects, our bad habits, and asking our Higher Power to remove them. I don’t believe that we play no further part in the matter. For one thing, having made the list, the onus falls on me to continual be aware of when my character defects are showing, and to work at lessening their effect on my life and my relationships. I do have to power to diminish my reactions whenever something does not go the way I want or expect. I wish that there was some magically procedure where all my shortcomings could be taken away, one by one. However my experience has been that they disappear gradually, and more due to the fact that I choose not to focus on them. Instead I spend my energy focusing on developing and strengthening my good habits. Just like my addictive behaviours, many of my character defects are tried and true, comfortable practices and attitudes. As I delve into the depths of who I am, and what I truly believe, I can see how those things are no longer match the person who I am today. It is therefore in my own best interest to let them go so that I can focus on all the good things in my life. This is the will of my Higher Power.

Affirmation

I will be aware today when my shortcomings come up, and I will breathe through them, rather than letting them run the show.

October 22

”For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

Step 3 is about turning our will and our life over the care of the God of our understanding. This is a deliberate act to relinquish control in my life, not to become a puppet, but to be lead because left to my own devices I tend to go astray. It is about faith and hope in a being/entity/source greater than me that frankly has a better understanding of life, the universe and everything. It’s also a sign of trust that my Higher Power, given the chance, will lead me down a better, brighter and more prosperous path. An acronym I quite like for God is Good Orderly Direction. That is what my prayer and meditation tend to focus on, asking for advice, direction, and aide in following God’s will. The complementary component to my prayer is to give thanks, to take the time to show gratitude for all the wonderful things that I have in life, all the ways that my Higher Power is taking care of me. I have had many false “gods” in my life, my addiction the most obvious, but I have become obsessed with others like recognition, fame, and fortune in periods of my life as well. Worshipping things of this world only mires me deeper in the problems of my earthly life. Experience is showing me that worshipping my spiritual source is not only taking away many of my worldly concerns, it is giving me freedom, joy and contentment that I never believed I could enjoy.

Affirmation

I will trust in my Higher Power, for His will and intention are good and just. In giving Him praise, I acknowledge all that He has done for me.

October 11

”Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.” Grandma Moses

Life has been strangely simply since I started to turn it over to the God of my understanding. There has been a new freedom in seeking out His will instead of my own. There has also been a great deal of relief in having the time and energy to focus on those things within my power, rather than giving it all to my addiction. Life is what I choose to make it? Well I suppose to a degree that’s true, but I do really believe that I am to ask for the guidance from my Higher Power to find the right path. There is an opposing choice which I do believe to be false. If I simply sit and wait for the right things to happen in my life, they’re not going to. I have been giving skills and abilities that I need to use to fulfill my purpose and be of service to others. Ignoring them will not take me down the road that I am supposed to follow. So there I have it – I need prayer and meditation to ask for guidance and to seek the will of my Higher Power. Then I need to use my talents to work towards those goals and to do His work. Like this blog, which I know is no longer only a tool for myself but for many others who I am grateful are also able to benefit from my experience. I need to continue to serve others, to be a committed part of my groups, my workplace and my community. I have been given a great gift in recovery of discovering who I am and learning how to transform my suffering into healing.

Affirmation

Staying on course is about me asking for guidance as well taking the steps to complete the tasks and objectives given to me.

May 6

”Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, ‘Whom shall I send and who will go for us?’ Then I said, ‘I, Here I am, send me.’” Isaiah 6:8

It’s happened more than once that I have been sitting wondering who should step up to take on a particular role and then the realization has come of, why not me? This is usually followed by a few minutes of inner dialogue while I run through reasons (read excuses) of why I am not available, capable, etc. (more excuses) to be able to take on said task (rationalization and justification.) Thankfully, I am more in tune with my instinct and have strengthened my faith in my Higher Power (spiritual awakening) to step forward and volunteer. This has been apparent in my recovery (working my program) as well as other parts of my life (wholeness). It’s important for me to listen to signs that are challenges for me (meditation) to face and overcome something I needed to work on, even though I don’t usually recognize the opportunity at first (faith in His Will). Yet it has happened enough times that I let out a sigh, look up and send a message to God (let Your will, not mine be done) know that I am listening, and jump into action. This all has a lot to do with serving, with giving of myself and with following the will of the God of my understanding. It’s a sign of growth, of trust and faith, that the path He has laid before me is a good one and that I am willing to walk it. It’s also humility in acknowledging that I may not know the best way to go and that I am ready to serve and face whatever is placed before me as there is a good reason for it.

Affirmation

Today I will work at Letting Go and Letting God, seeking His will for my life, trusting in the route He has chosen for me to follow.

April 23

”You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result.” Mahatma Gandhi

Life in recovery is quite different than a few years ago at the height of my addiction. Whereas I used to spend as much time hiding from the world, and trying to do as little as possible that wasn’t acting out, today I am trying to enjoy each and every moment. While I am working at being present, making better choices, I am still not aware of all the results of my actions. Things can happen days, weeks, or even longer after I have done something that seemed pretty insignificant at the time. So there has been a lot for me to learn in turning things over to the will of my Higher Power and trusting in His path. I can’t foresee what the future holds, nor what may come from the simplest choices in the longer term. I have seen enough good, even great things come from small choices to disregard the fact that there is a bigger plan in the world in which I play but a small part. Doing nothing is no longer a viable option in my life. I have gained too much self-awareness through the Steps to ever consider going back to where I came from. I am seeing rewards that I never dreamt would have been possible in the short time that I have given my life over. Why would I even want to consider stopping what is having such a profound impact on my own life and those who I come into contact with? Recovery is so much better than anything I have ever experienced before.

Affirmation

I will focus on doing what I can today, and will work at turning things over to my Higher Power to follow the path that is being laid out before me.

February 5

”Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” Matthew 7:7

Sometimes wisdom seems so easy when given to me, but so much harder to make a reality. I do believe that this quote is how my Higher Power operates. The reality is that I know the difficulties behind the words. To receive what I want or need, I need to ask the right question. To discover what I want or need, I first must know what it is I seek. To have opportunities and openings, I must know which door I need to knock at. Added to this, is the distinguishing of want and need, of my will and desire versus that of my Higher Power. So, if these sayings are to be meaningful and bear fruit in my life, I need some wisdom first to seek answers to questions that are part of the plan from the God of my understanding. The last component is to surrender. This means having patience to ask, and then be willing to leave the outcome in the hands of my power greater than myself. This means waiting for the answer to come in His time and way. And to hope that I am actually paying attention enough to realize that prayers have been answered.

Affirmation Prayer can and should contain requests of my wants and desires, but I have to be patient for the response which may be realized when or how I expected.

January 12

”A mind troubled by doubt cannot focus on the course to victory.” Arthur Golden

Life is full of choices. One of the areas that was a struggle, and still is from time to time, is finding myself dwelling on the “what-ifs”. I can get stuck in a cycle of self-doubt, wondering about the past, present and future. None of this worry lends itself to me moving forward though. It only serves to keep me locked in my bubble. The Serenity Prayer serves as a constant reminder that I have to focus on those things within my control. After that, I have to work at being content to leave the rest to my Higher Power to be concerned about – my worries are not going to make things any better. Once I make choices, the only thing left is to accept the consequences, whatever they happen to be. Regret for the past leads me back into doubt and worry. At the end of the day, I can look back to see that I made the best decisions with what I had available to me at the time. I don’t have a crystal ball to know how things will always turn out. I do have a great deal of faith in the God of my understanding though, that if I continue to work to do His will, things will work out as they should.

Affirmation I will be conscious of when I find myself what-iffing and work to Let Go and Let God instead.

December 20

”When the road ahead is dark, And you don’t know where to go, Take another step, take another step, Trust God and take another step” Stephen Curtis Chapman

The light at the end of the tunnel has not always shone brightly, if at all sometimes. There have been many times, in my active addiction as in my recovery, where the situation has seemed bleak and without much hope. The hardest thing has been to keep pushing forward, to trust that my Higher Power would take care of me. Standing still does nothing to move me towards change. Many steps in recovery have been taken in blind faith, with the hope of those who have gone before me that it was the right thing to do. Leaning on other’s wisdom and advice has not come naturally, and surrendering my own will has not been easy. But I have made much more progress in changing my life and moving away from my past by allowing myself to be guided in this way. As the Steps show me, turning my life and my will over to the God of my understanding is something I need to do in order to heal. This act of surrender frees me from the burden of guilt and shame that has kept me trapped for so many years. And it loosening the grip of my dark shadow makes taking each step that much easier.

Affirmation “In God I Trust” is a good slogan to help me surrender my will and allow myself to be open to the guidance of my Higher Power.

December 18

”Only one may enter here, one whose worth lies far within. A diamond in the rough.” Quote from the movie “Aladdin”

I was walking in the winter snow recently, down a side street where the plows had passed and spread out their sand and salt. Most of the snow was no longer white as a result, but as I watched, the sun came out and to my surprise; the snow still sparkled in its brilliance, even under all the dirt. I found this metaphor quite suitable for my life. I believe that my life has been more like that dirty snow, mixed up with a bunch of things that have not kept me pure or on the right path. Yet, when the sun shines, or better when my purpose is alit by my Higher Power, it reveals that the beauty and potential is still there, even when I didn’t see it. The things I need to succeed in life have already been provided to me, I just have to work with them in spite of all the dirt around me. Recovery is teaching me that I have much worth that has lain far within for far too long. As I shed the skin of my addiction, push away that filth that I attracted for too long, I too, can be a brilliant snowflake to shine in the light of my Creator.

Affirmation My potential to follow the path of the God of my understanding is always there, I just need to be reminded to shine from time to time.

October 27

”God may be subtle, but he isn’t plain mean.” Albert Einstein

I don’t believe my Higher Power is mean or that it’s His will for me to have a life of only difficulty and struggle. People, though, I am less certain about. Knowing how I was in my active addiction, when I was the furthest from the will of the God of my understanding, I know I was not the nicest person to those around me. And even though I thought I was being subtle in most cases, in retrospect many of my actions were pretty deliberate and blatant. Part of me is glad to acknowledge that when I open myself up to following the way laid before me by my spiritual guide that life is better. I still face challenges, to be certain, but I am less worried about making it through. Knowing I have this power behind me helps me when the challenges I face are created by other people, and helps me not to blame either them or God for difficulties that confront me. I still have moments when I want to be in charge, would prefer that things went my way, or simply lack the faith to fully trust my Higher Power. Yet I know that it is the better, healthier way, as surrendering has made the biggest impact in my life. I know all too well that I haven’t done such a great job in directing my life on my own to this point. Maybe letting the man upstairs take the wheel is not such a bad idea after all.

Affirmation Bad things will happen in my life, but I can trust my Higher Power that I will make it through as long as I continue to follow his direction.

September 2

”God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest.” J. G. Holland

The 3rd Step is about our willingness to let the God of our understanding show us a better way, an openness to seek to do His will rather than to be controlling everything on our own. This letting go and surrender of the direction of our life doesn’t leave us to simply be a passenger on the bus our Higher Power is driving. While we ask for guidance, we still have our part to play in fulfilling those goals set before us. It’s true for me that I have learned to turn things over to my Higher Power. But that means letting go of those things and people over which I have no control. There is still work for me to do to uphold my own responsibility. I am still required to continue working on myself in overcoming my shortcomings, in sharing my talents and in realizing the goals set before me. Prayer and meditation are the tools for me to seek out the will of my Higher Power. I need to learn patience and understanding to see the goal I am being led towards, the destination that I usually don’t arrive at via the path I was expecting. It takes a lot of faith and courage to allow life to unfold as it should rather than trying to manipulate and bend it to my own will. Yet the end result is always better, and I am more serene during the trip.

Affirmation I realize things will not often come to me when or how I want, but with work, perseverance and faith in my Higher Power, they will come to fruition.

August 22

”For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7

It still takes me by surprise when I see myself reacting differently in stressful situations. It is comforting to know my immediate reaction is to turn to the Serenity Prayer, or other prayer or meditation, to focus on the present, count my blessings or one of the other new techniques that help me seek the will of my Higher Power. I still have fears and worries. Yet they no longer have the power they once did, they do not feed my addiction nor lead me to all my compulsive behaviours as they would have in the past. I am adapting better to life events as they occur, more accepting of how situations unfold, and more confident that things will work out the way they are meant to, and that it will all be good in the end. I am content to be second and to let my Higher Power show me the way. I am still taking responsibility for my own role, for the duties I need to fulfill. But I don’t have to be in complete control, I trust that the God of my understanding has the plans well in hand. My spirit has been renewed and I am grateful for the grace that has been shown me.

Affirmation I will Let Go and Let God today and allow my actions be guided through the Higher Power that I have faith is looking out for my best interests.

July 20

”The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Destiny, fate, karma – these are still some concepts that I have difficulty in looking at. Was I destined to become an addict, was it fate that predetermined my path to get here? I used to question myself like this frequently in my early recovery. As I have grown in the program and rekindled my connection to my Higher Power, I have been less concerned about these ideas. I am happy turning my life and will over to the care of the God of my understanding. I trust that the path he has laid before me is a good one. And I guess if you want to look at it that way, it is a destiny of a sort. The difference in this new way of living is that I am no longer trying to bend the universe to my own will. I no longer strive to have things my way, when and how I want them to be. I am no longer so conceited to see myself as the centre of it all. Instead I am seeking to share my talents, my hope, strength and experience with others. I would rather serve others. I can still lead by example by do not demand to be followed. I seek forgiveness and compassion. I am striving to become the person my Higher Power had in mind, do to His will and to help others along the way. And that is indeed a noble pursuit.

Affirmation I will ask for guidance today to see the path my Higher Power has lain before me and for the courage and strength to do his Will.