March 9

”The truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them.” Steve Hall

One of the things I am learning to recognize about my behaviours are the triggers behind them. I am starting to be able to look at moments where I feel I am on the defensive and look deeper at what is behind the situation before me. One that has been in evidence lately is that of respect. When I feel like I am not being respected, or someone whom I care about is being poorly treated, it really bothers me and can set me off. In looking at my past, I can certainly see this pattern, especially when the disrespect comes from a child. I can recognize that this is a pattern from childhood, something that my parents used to repeat, that a child should always respect their elders. This was particularly enforced by my father. The punishment for disobeying was a spanking and I have a better sense of why a similar urge comes over me in situations where I am now the adult. It is a step towards putting a better response into action. It’s hard admitting and recognizing that many of my behaviours stem from things learned as a child, engrained into my personality before I could really comprehend. Even more so that what I learned at a young age appears so naturally in my role as a parent. But I know that behaviours can be changed and finding out what needs to be different is an initial step in the process to better living.

Affirmation My growing awareness will allow me to look beyond my initial reactions to the root cause of my learned behaviours and false beliefs and will be another catalyst for change.

November 3

”Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them in with your favorite colors.” Khalen Hosseini

My recovery has required reflection on my childhood. It is a search for the events or simply the atmosphere in which I was raised that influenced how I grew up. It is an exercise in determining the “colours” that were applied to direct my choices and maturity. It is also an opportunity to identify the major events, negative and positive that have shaped my world. Although there is nothing I can do to change my upbringing, I can certainly benefit from looking at the snapshots of the past and gaining understanding of those who had an effect on my life. I can also ask adult explanations of people for things that I remember which may not quite be recalled exactly as they happened. So I do have opportunities to change my colored-view of the past. This knowledge helps me to move forward mostly by allowing me closure for old wounds, to forgive and let go of events from the past that have weighed me down for years. It allows me to turn over those chapters of my life and to look for the lessons to apply to my present.

Affirmation May I have the courage to examine my past, close old wounds, and free myself from some baggage to allow me freedom to be more present today.