February 4

”The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi

Steps 8 and 9 for me are the ones where “I put my money where my mouth is.” Up to this point, the steps have been focused on learning about and coming to accept who I truly am, the good, the bad, and the ugly. In making my list of those who I have harmed, becoming willing to make amends, and making those amends wherever possible, my recover moves beyond being a personal thing. These are the steps of taking responsibility for my past actions and behaviours with those around me. My list was a long one. It was a daunting process just to note all those who I had hurt along the way as I lived my dual life. It was even more frightening to think that I would have to confront all those people to seek amends for the way I had treated them. Anyone who has been through this process can surely attest that it is not something for the weak of heart. It took a great deal of courage to admit that I had a problem to myself…admitting that to someone else in my fifth step was a bit harder, doing this to people who were very close to me that I had hurt – I thought would be impossible. I am grateful for the wording of Step Nine, especially the phrases “wherever possible” and “except when to do so would injure them or others.” Just because I become ready to make amends, doesn’t mean the person on the other end of the conversation is ready to receive them. In truth, I have found the best amends for many of those on my list has been to simple continue working my program, and ensuring I don’t repeat my damaging behaviours. That is a gift for everyone involved, including myself.

Affirmation

Forgiveness takes courage, but amends lead to freedom from my guilt and shame of the past.

May 27

”It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgment, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character.” Dale E. Turner

The subject of amend is a challenging one for me. I am certainly cognisant of the infinite wisdom of the steps, especially those two words “wherever possible” of the 9th. There are a few, but significant, people from my life where amends may never be possible. That is a hard thing for me to accept as there is a part of me that truly wants those people to know how much I have changed and to make an attempt to repair the damage I caused. Yet these are also people who are least likely to trust me because of how they have been hurt. So I have to content myself today in being a living amends. In working my program I continue the promise to myself, my Higher Power and the world that I will no longer be the person I was. Having spent many years in those destructive patterns, I have no desire to return to my old ways. In living by these new standards I may not repair all the damage I have done. But taking steps to stop creating new destruction, to stop hurting others, is a positive use of my time and recovery. My service work is also another place where I can give back to society and use my energy to help others, and to improve my community. These are all worthy efforts to be a better human being.

Affirmation

I will trust in my Higher Power that I will make the amends that I need when it is the right time. Just for today I will remain willing to do what needs to be done to repair the past.

April 29

”Apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift.” Margaret Lee Runbeck

That simple phrase “I’m sorry” took a while to have meaning again. For too long, I had been like the boy who cried wolf, and apologizing had little meaning because it was a hollow act, only meant to appease people for the short term to allow me to get back to the comfort of my addiction. It fell short of being something genuine and sincere, because it was not. Apology for me now has to also be coupled with amends. The dictionary defines amends as a form of compensation or reparation for a loss or damage of some kind. So like many instances in my recovery process, proof of change to others has had to focus on action and not simply on my word. Walking the talk has been required, on a consistent and persistent basis, to show that I truly am on a different path. Seeking forgiveness is just one of the areas where this has been prevalent. There is a definite power in humbling myself to admit my wrongs and to seeking to right situations. I am more genuine, more open to others, more human. It is a moment of grace, baring my weakness and admitting that I am not perfect. It also lifts a weight from my shoulders and my soul, letting me breathe more freely. It is a good practice to do regularly so that I do not carry my mistakes with me, growing in dark places and turning into shame and resentment. It is something to be worn as a symbol of my strength and self-confidence, a badge of honour and my commitment in working at improving myself.

Affirmation

Let me acknowledge my errors today, all the ways that I hurt those around me. I will seek forgiveness and make things right through amends to end the day with a slate that is cleared of wrongdoing.

May 22

”Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.” Richard L. Evans

Certainly one of the areas where I need to make amends is to my children. They have been victims as much as anyone else in the aftermath of my acting out. None of it was directed at them, but they suffer the consequences nonetheless. Many of my decisions have had repercussions that they will only understand later in life, yet must live through now. Separation of their parents, moving, loss of friends, these are but a few of the things that they have had to deal with because of my behaviours. I am so very grateful to be in recovery to have an opportunity to make things different. I now have the chance to be a better role model, to help break any bad habits or other behaviours that could lead my own children into addiction or some sort of dependency that I can pass on what I am learning through the steps to them much earlier. I know I shall not protect them from all harm, but hope that I can at least help build better defenses, and be more aware of danger signs than those who were closest to me in my youth. Most of all, I can simply spend all the time I have to cherish and love them, to help them grow and guide them into being the wonderful people I know they will become. This is such a gift that my Higher Power has offered me and I am truly thankful for it.

Affirmation I will not squander my second chance to leave a better legacy for my children, to raise them and help them overcome the damage I have caused.

December 8 (56)

”Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.” Washington Irving

I still haven’t figured out how to deal with the people and relationships where love was taken for granted, abused and lost. I have a few places where I want to make amends, were I am willing, open and proactively seeking ways to try and rebuild, but I am knocking at doors where no one answers. It is frustrating, trying of my patience, and impossible to understand how some things can turn sour so quickly. Or maybe this is only my perception whereas the other party feels things have been poor for a long time already. Just because I want a second chance does not oblige anyone to give it to me. The challenge is to keep those doors open while finding other places where the sharing of me is welcome. I can establish other relationships with people who are willing to accept me where I am today. The love, joy and compassion I have to share still remains within me and it benefits me to give of myself, even if there are others who I would prefer as the recipients. I can still love those who are not willing or ready to accept or return what I have to offer. Unconditional love means not expecting anything to come back in return. I give simply because I can, because I believe I have something worth sharing. I can no more control how someone accepts it that I can change the wind.

Affirmation My willingness to make amends and change may have to be enough. I will trust in my Higher Power’s guidance to know which relationships to mend and when.

October 6

”Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.” Isaac Asimov

Violence takes many forms. I am learning to recognize many different ways it manifests. Men’s violence tends to be direct and physical. Women’s violence is often more subtle, taking the form of emotional or psychological attacks. Each is damaging in its own way, and the victim needs to find ways to cope, escape from the cycle, and heal. As I work on my 8th Step, I am recognizing the many ways that I have hurt others, directly or indirectly, as a result of living in addiction. From neglect and a lack of respect, to more blatant avenues like stealing, lying, and infidelity, the range of my actions are wide and varied. I don’t need to be ready to make amends at this point, simply open to the eventual possibility. As a fellow member put it, my amends are not so much about apologies…my words have little meaning to most people in any event, but are about what I am changing so as not to repeat my mistakes of the past. Living in recovery is likely the best amend I can make for most of the people on my list, myself included, and other methods will present themselves, as Step 9 promises, wherever possible.

Affirmation I can take responsibility for my past actions and open myself to changes that will amend my former behaviours.

March 7

”To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.” Louis B. Smedes

As human beings we have a tendency to hold onto things, good and bad. Often as a result, we focus much of our attention on the past, reminiscing about how things were or might have been. Forgiving ourselves, and others whom we have affected through our addictive behaviour is another step in our process of letting go. We need to let go of the baggage we are carrying within us, most especially those things that are unresolved. In making our amends we move from holding onto the past and into the present by taking responsibility and doing something to make life better. We are humbled by our acts of amendment and gain wisdom in seeing the pain we have caused others. It is important to make amends to ourselves and take measures to establish things that we have neglected or deprived ourselves of during those periods when we were focused on our addiction and not making healthy choices.

Affirmation I hold the key to walk out of my prison, and that key is forgiveness.

March 4

”His heart was as great as the world, but there was no room in it to hold the memory of a wrong.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Forgiveness is a large part of healing our wrongs of the past. In working the steps, and in particular Steps 8 and 9, we begin to see the damage our actions have caused. It is not only the damage to others that we seek to recover from in making our amends, but the affect it has had on ourselves by holding onto our negative emotions of resentment, anger and fear for all those years. It is a powerful experience to make amends and release ourselves from our self-made prison. Letting go of the past and honestly making an effort to make up for our wrongs in whatever we can gives us the ability to move forward in our recovery and our lives. The best amend that we can make to most of those close to us is to continue working our program. In becoming a better, more genuine, caring and loving human being, we will restore trust and faith in those close to us. Our actions will show just how much we have changed and how we do not want to go back to the person we used to be.

Affirmation I will forgive someone today, and let go of a part of the past that has been weighing me down.