February 22

”Few things heal wounded spirits better than the balm of a supportive embrace.” Charles Swindoll

One of the powers of the program is the genuine support that is offered. I, like many others, have to come to think of my fellowship as a second family. It is a place of safety, security and comfort. There is always someone who is willing to listen, who won’t judge, won’t offer advice, but will simply be present and be there for me. It is the strength of this group that has helped to mend my wounded spirit. It is through them, through their struggles, their honesty and their strength that I have found the courage to move in a different and better direction. I have found a place of warmth, of intimacy, that has embraced my brokenness and encouraged my hope to spring forth. In healing my spirit I have found the will and the strength to help others in kind. I have a desire to share my recovery with members who, like me, suffer with this disease. I have the gift of this new found awareness and some humble beginnings of wisdom to nurture and encourage my brothers and sisters along their own journeys. My wounded past has turned from a weakness into a strength to allow me to embrace my friends in recovery.

Affirmation My wounds will heal, and though there may be scars left behind, I can turn that healing into a boon for others who still suffer.

November 8 (86)

”What we need is more people who specialize in the impossible.” Theodore Roethke

Life most days is pretty run-of-the-mill. I go about my daily paces, taking care of what needs to be done, occasionally adding in things that I want to do. Most life events are pretty ordinary, and life goes on in a fairly routine manner. Yet at the same time, my life is far from average, at least in terms of where I used to be. The place where I am now, all because of having found the program, is really a miracle from my perspective. I had thought things were near impossible to recover from when I was in my deepest, darkest point of my acting out. There was no one or nothing that was going to bring the light of day back into my world. I truly see my fellowship and all 12-Step programs as pockets of miracle workers. It is not due to any one person, but the collective efforts of the whole that provided the environment for my own miracle of recovery To have regained a sense of joy, happiness, contentment and purpose where I saw none is simply incredible. SAA has brought me into a group of people who make the impossible a reality on a regular basis. I am privileged to have been on the receiving end and as well to know that I continue to be part of the atmosphere that will provide this help to others.

Affirmation I know the impossible can become possible, especially in recovery, as I see the miracles realized within my groups.

October 30 (95)

”He who knows others is wise, He who knows himself is enlightened.” Tao Te Ching

I certainly feel more enlightened today than I have in many years. The simple fact of having spent so much time looking inward has forced me to get to know myself better. This is certainly a good thing, and I am aware at the same time that I still have a long ways to go. There has also been a great amount of wisdom that seems to have surfaced in recent months. I still surprise myself with some of the thoughts and words that have come from me in my recovery work, in meetings, in my step work, and of course in these meditations. I owe much of my enlightenment to my SAA fellowship. As another member recently shared, being part of the group is like being a coal amongst other coals in a fire. By being in proximity we keep the fire alive. But if I remove myself, I will continue to burn for a while, but eventually the fire will extinguish. I need to periodically surround myself with other coals, other members of the program, and pick up the tools, to keep fuelling the fire of recovery. This is a display of both wisdom and enlightenment.

Affirmation May I continue to burn brightly and fuel my recovery. The heat from my program can be shared with others and help them in their own journey.

September 11

”Don’t allow the grass to grow on the path of friendship.” Native American Proverb

Friends – here is another regret from my past. I have always complained that I have never had many. In retrospect, it was probably a lot of my own doing. True, I didn’t really fit in when I was younger, but I can’t honestly say that I didn’t find ways to isolate myself further. Fear of someone getting close, discovering my other life, certainly was cause enough to push people away. I encouraged grass to grow on my paths of friendship, no one was ever really allowed into my world. You would have needed a machete at least, most probably some heavy duty bush clearing machinery, to try to get to know the real me. So finding a group of like-minded individuals in the program, who shared openly and honestly about all aspects of life in addiction, was a game changer. What freedom the group offered, no longer did I have to hide that darker side of me. I have learned that through honesty I can make friends. I have gained confidence and trust that I can be myself the same way as I am in meetings outside the walls of our rooms. Today I am making slow progress in establishing new friendships, a skill that I had forgotten in my youth. It feels wonderful being able to connect to others and the world around me once again.

Affirmation I have the ability to turn anything in my life around. Through the steps I can turn isolation into friendship and fellowship.

August 15

”Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.” Lord Byron

I knew I was in good company in my meetings when I saw others able to make jokes and laugh about their behaviours. It has encouraged me to try and take myself less seriously. Life is not all about responsibility. I have many defects, and have done many things that in retrospect were insane, hilarious, ridiculous and just plain stupid. Being able to laugh at my own foibles helps me to put the past into proper perspective. Laughter can also help deflate the sense of grandeur and importance my addiction feels it deserves. While I can admit it served a purpose in helping me cope in some manner, it certainly does not deserve to be worshipped or held in high-esteem. A little bit of self-ridicule and mocking can go a long way in reminding me that there is a better way to live. Laughter has also been described as the shortest distance between two people. I certainly know it has helped me connect to certain members of my groups. It is a healthy form of intimacy that helps to draw me into close relationships. Opening myself to making jokes about me has the same effect and is a sign I am letting go of old behaviours.

Affirmation Transforming pain into laughter helps me to move forward and loosens the grip of my addictive past.

July 3

”At first dreams seem impossible, then improbable, then inevitable.” Christopher Reeve

When I walked through the doors of my first SAA meeting and knew I had find a place where I belonged, you could not have convinced me of how much my life would change in that first year. Yet a short 12 months later I was working a program with 6-months of solid sobriety, faithfully attending meetings 2 days a week plus a step-study group. I had reconnected my feelings, given my first step, written numerous meditations, taken on a service position and had gained several friends in the fellowship. All this progress was made in spite of the fact that things were still tense in my marriage which eventually led to a separation and shared custody, my spouse having residual effects from a side-relationship they had started, dealing with teenage kids, learning to live on my own, etc. I am still amazed that I have somehow survived all this emotional turmoil without resorting to acting out. I’ve still slipped into my middle circle occasionally, but my inner circle has been avoided. I can only thank my Higher Power and the support of my group for having put all those 24-hour periods together. It’s been far from an easy road, yet I am gaining the faith and confidence to move forward a Day at a Time.

Affirmation I know change is possible, and sooner or later I will be able to look back and see how far I have come by working my program.

April 2

”I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.” G. K. Chesterton

I am thankful every time I attend a meeting…maybe not always at the start as I can be reluctant to go, but by the end of every meeting I have heard something that has struck a chord. I know that discovering SAA, the fellowship, my groups and its members have saved my life. I am grateful to the program of recovery that has given me a second chance. The greatest gift I have about living in recovery is that I still have my life to experience. I am able to see that in the height of my addiction I was only barely alive, it was a meager existence. I lived only to serve the needs of my compulsive behaviours. I buried all emotion to remain a slave to the master of my inner circle. Each day of recovery I break the chains that bind me to my former life. I can feel again, I can smile, I can be present in the moment, I have hope. All thanks to the men and women, who like me, have a desire to overcome their addictive sexual behaviour. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Affirmation I will find time to show my thanks to the program that has allowed me a second chance at life.