April 4

"The best way out is always through.” Robert Frost

Challenges seem to be ever-present. I am finding these past few days more difficult than usual, the thought of having to remain distant from friends and family for even more weeks than originally planned has cranked up my anxiety level. I am beginning to feel the effects of confinement, even though most of the weight in the walls of this prison are self-made through doubts and fears. Yet the effect is the same as if they were made of three metre thick cement walls. And so I turn back to my new methods of coping, of looking to focus on the things I can change, which always quickly boil down to me - my thoughts, words and actions. There is little else in my direct control, all the rest I need to leave in the hands of my Higher Power. So, what can I do to cope? I am praying and meditating on a daily basis, having no excuse for a lack of time or other priorities. I am staying connected to friends and family, through virtual means, but keeping in touch nonetheless. I am trying to accomplish some task or part of a bigger task every day. I am eating well, trying to get some exercise, go for a walk with my dogs, have some quality time with my wife. This is what works for me to get through. And tomorrow will be more of the same - lather, rinse, repeat.

Affirmation

Difficult times may lay before me today, but I am confident that I have the tools and skills to work my way through them.

April 28

”Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.” Graham Greene

I recall a member sharing the idea from their therapist who said that someone in recovery needs to journal to make any real progress. Having written so many of these meditations, which are my own journal, I know that in my case this is certainly true. This is one of my gifts, and it is also one of the ways that I connect with my Higher Power and open myself to His will. Having stepped back from writing for a couple months, I am once again learning to appreciate how much those 10-15 minutes each day mean in grounding me and providing me with insight into my own life and recovery. So the trick here is for me to not ignore those things I do that support my recovery, that improve my conscious contact with God, but also to try not to overdo them so they become burdensome or something that feels more like an obligation. There is a balance to be sought among all the other things I am doing to live my new life.

Affirmation Ignoring tools that work for me detracts from my ability to progress in recovery. I need to keep using what works, especially if it strengthens my connection with God.

December 22

”Keep sowing your seed, for you never know which will grow – perhaps it all will.” Ecclesiastes

One aspect that has helped my recovery more than anything has been my willingness to try just about anything to get better. Not to the extent of trying anything extreme, “cultish” or that could be compared to following the latest diet fad, but truly being open to suggestions from professionals and other members about tools and tips that have helped them or others along. I have not adopted everything that I have tried, but exposing myself to a variety of recovery and spiritual avenues has enabled me to create a fairly broad range of practices that help me to cope. I look at this as not putting all of my eggs into one basket. This way if something that I try doesn’t work, or stops working, I know that I have a multitude of other healthy resources to turn to rather than being immediately faced with turning back to my old behaviours. Each method grows differently in my garden of recovery, and can sustain me in specific ways, much like I require a variety of exercises to keep my entire body in good shape. I can harvest these tools as I need to help keep my recovery in check and to prevent myself from being overwhelmed by the weeds of my addiction.

Affirmation The more and varied ways I have to cope the easier it will be for me to stay in recovery and resist my addictive behaviours.

October 20

”A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.” Sir Francis Bacon

One thing my addict was good at was making opportunities to act out. This is a skill that I need to apply in my recovery - to utilize as much or more time as I used to put into planning to play in my middle and inner circles to now focus on my outer circle. This means doing things like creating a recovery routine, having SAA literature readily available at home, at work, or on the go. It can be as simple as replacing a phone number of an acting out partner with a number from someone in the program. Installing a cyber-blocking program on my PC and entrusting the password to someone like my sponsor is also a good idea. I can and have made many excuses to not get to a meeting, not do some work in my recovery books or to call a friend. When I reflect on the lengths I used to go to so I could act out, it is usually pretty easy to find the motivation that is lacking to be able to make a better choice. I need to be committed to put in at least half, if not all, of the effort that I spent on acting out to be working my program if I truly expect to move forward, ever mindful that I am seeking progress and not perfection.

Affirmation I gain time in letting go of my addiction and need to be conscious about choosing outer circle activities to fill it with.

August 19

”A knowledge of the path cannot be substituted for putting one foot in front of the other.” M. C. Richards

I frequently share that since discovering SAA the greatest gift I have, and continue to receive, is that of awareness. No longer am I living under the delusion of my addiction, in the fog that there is no better way to be. Yet whole all this awareness is great. While I can recognize when I am triggered, when a situation is likely to start me down that slippery slope, it isn’t always enough. My awareness gives me a pause in my thinking, and the opportunity to do things differently, to choose another path than my addict’s auto-pilot. But in order to change I need to act on that awareness. If my awareness just registers the warning on my radar, but I ignore it, eventually the blip will be right on top of me and my ability to fight it off will be that much harder. I need to realize that this early warning signal needs to be taken seriously, that if I value my recovery that I need to take precautionary measures a.s.a.p. This is the time to pick up a tool, repeat the Serenity Prayer or the 12 Steps, contact my sponsor or a fellow member, pray to my Higher Power, or whatever will support me in turning away from the lures of my addict. Over time my healthy reactions to my awareness radar will become more instinctual and I will find it easier to avoid sticky situations.

Affirmation I will treat my awareness today with extra care and practice putting precautionary measures in to place before things get out of control.

August 9

”It is the simple things of life that make living worthwhile, the sweet fundamental things such as love and duty, work and rest, and living close to nature.” Laura Inglis Wilder

Transitioning to living on my own has presented its own challenges. Moving into a bare-bones apartment, without cable or internet, has made my weeks without my kids long and trying. Fridays and Saturdays are particularly challenging because of the extra free time without commitments. I can only schedule so much activity. What is helping me to cope is to focus on some of the basics of life. Doing laundry, washing the floors, cleaning the bathroom, all these domestic chores remind me of the need to take care, rather than neglect myself and my surroundings. They are simple yet provide a sense of satisfaction in a job well done and usually encourage me to keep focusing on recovery and outer circle behaviours and activities. So reading recovery material, working on exercises for my step study group, reaching out to a member or my sponsor, all these are more prevalent when the basic needs of living are made a priority. Getting back to the simplicity of life can ground me and help me to avoid spending too much time unproductively trying to simply fill my day.

Affirmation I need to take care of my basic needs as a building block to rebuilding a healthy routine and establishing a better sense of self.

May 18

”Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it.” Irving Berlin

It is still hard for me to admit just how small the realm of things I can influence actually is. I still have too much of the tendency to want to control things that are beyond me. And really, when I stop to look at my life, there is more than enough to occupy my attention and energy if I stay focused on me and what I am able to do. My biggest challenge is still in letting things happen as they are meant to happen. There are often times when I can influence or force something to take place, but rarely do I get the results that I imagine. Letting circumstances follow their natural course and schedule takes a lot of patience, and a continual turning over of my will and life to my Higher Power. Many of my most prized tools in recovery, repeating the Serenity Prayer, the 12 Steps and Traditions, deep breathing, prayer and meditation – all these are ways of slowing me down. It’s important for me to incorporate these breaks into my day. It gives me the opportunity to refocus my attention and ground myself in the present. I don’t always have to be on the go, to be doing something to prove my existence. I need moments to simply be. To listen to my breathing, feel the beating of my heart, to smell the air…to simply exist in the here and now. I am me and being alive is wonderful.

Affirmation Today I take the time to simply be me, to reflect on where I am and my surroundings.

May 8

”Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.” Henry Vandyke

I am often overwhelmed by the number of resources and tools that are available to me in recovery. It can be daunting wondering trying to determine which are the best, which will work the fastest, require the least effort or will produce the most desired result. One thing that I used to overlook are those that match my own abilities and potential. Just like my talents help me in my day-to-day life, so too will they help in finding the tools that fit best into my recovery. The 12 Steps are general and remain that way as they are open, not so much to interpretation as they are designed to give freedom in how we individually incorporate them into our lives. Our strengths help us normally and it would be foolish to ignore them when working our program. The other side is not to be overly concerned that the path we choose or the tools we use are not the same as those used by others in our fellowship. Whatever works for us is fine, we are unique and have the right to do things differently. What we share and offer may be useful to someone else who has been struggling to find a tool that matches their own personality. This is one of the greatest strengths our program has to offer.

Affirmation My recovery is my own and by corollary so are the tools that will work best. I can be confident that as long as I am working my program I will continue to make progress.