February 1

”You can’t fix your broken thinking with your broken thinking.” Anonymous

One of my challenges in accepting that I suffered from an addiction, that I had this disease, was coming to terms with the fact that I couldn’t fix myself with anything I already knew. By delving into the First Step, by admitting that my life was unmanageable and that I was out of control, I saw the many ways in which I had, unsuccessfully tried to do things my way to break the bad habits and patterns of my life. This acceptance of course helped to lead me to the second and third steps, a willingness to turn my life over to a Higher Power that could restore me to sanity. In this way, I moved towards a new way of dealing with life, of trusting in something other than my own will to live, or my addiction, so that I could find my path back to a healthy life. This is the secret of the first three steps, as I understand them. The first means accepting that my thinking, my coping mechanisms, and my reality, are broken. Step Two is the promise of hope of a different way of life if I trust and surrender my will to a safe Higher Power. And finally in the third step I take action, even if only a baby step, by becoming willing to let my Higher Power guide my life and my actions. These steps were transformative for me. With the help of my sponsor and fellow members, progressing through them began the process of turning my life away from the fantastical world of my addiction towards reality. I was able to finally begin to see the fog life from the control of my addictive thinking that had clouded my judgement and reasoning for so long. Faith in my Higher Power led me back into the light of day.

Affirmation

I will remember the basics of the program as expressed in the first three steps today, acknowledge my problem, that there is hope, and that there is a different and better way to live.

January 19

”Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.” Mahatma Gandhi

So here lies the crux of the problem. My addict, my compulsive addictive behaviour, starts from my thoughts. Perhaps like other addictions, but even more so, this is where my craving is born. In the beginning, the thoughts may seem innocent enough, but they have just enough of an edge, just enough of a shiny coating, to invite me in just a little further, to explore and come closer for a better look. Before I know it, I am way beyond just looking, but fully immersed, tasting, touching, living through the fantasy or reality that started from those small, simple thoughts. As Ambrose Bierce so aptly defined it, the brain is the apparatus with which we think that we think. So how then, do I use that which is broken to fix itself? A seeming conundrum indeed. Yet I do think there is an answer. I do believe that this life, this body that I am in is only a shell. Its purpose is to house something even more precious, my spirit. I have moved from seeing myself as a person with a soul to seeing instead a soul with a temporary body. And it is my soul or body, which existed before I was born and will continue to exist after my body expires, that has the power to overcome my errant thoughts. Simply put, my solution is to Let Go and Let God. I have not the human capacity to fix my broken thinking. I therefore require the faith and belief in my power greater than myself that my spirit, given the opportunity, can and will lead me in the right direction. This is where my harmony and purification will come from, by fully trusting in God’s will, not mine.

Affirmation

I am a creation of spirit, and it is this force within me that can make the impossible possible.

November 22 (72)

”There are two ways to get enough. One is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less.” G. K. Chesterton

This quote certainly rings true in terms of my addiction. Until I found recovery, the desires to act out came from a seemingly bottomless pit. Nothing was ever enough, the demand was always there for more, more acting out in terms of increased frequency, greater risk, greater perversity, and greater duration. It was an impossible request to fulfill and not lose sight of everything else in my life that mattered. Finding the program gave me the first glimpses of being able to reduce that unquenchable desire. I never imagined that such a thing could be possible at first. But as I listened to the sharing of others and heard their stories of a gradual return to a more normal life, I found hope that I, too, could make my own way back to a saner life. The changes happened slowly, almost imperceptibly, yet in retrospect much faster than I could have imagined. I not only lost the urges to consistently act out, and in darker fashion, but I have gained the freedom to no longer have my every thought revolve around sexual fantasy and desire. It is an indescribable relief to be able to focus on the present moment, liberated from the iron-clad grasp of my addictive thinking.

Affirmation I can find a way out of the downward spiral into a place where my desire will lessen as I work the Steps of the program.