August 25

”Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way.” Les Brown

Part of my self-discovery in my recovery work has been to look at some of the beliefs that I have carried with me from childhood. One area has been to investigate all the things I have learned from the fairy tales of my youth. In doing so, there are many simple truths that simply aren’t true. Happily ever after, well it may exist, but it doesn’t just fall into anyone’s lap. Love at first sight, well experience would say lust, and then reality eventually comes back into the picture. This internal work continues to show me, time and time again, that most of the things that are worthwhile in my life will only remain that way as long as I continue to choose to make them a priority. I will continue to be in love because I make the choice, each and every day, to love the partner I am with. As a result I will dedicate time and energy to nurture that relationship. Choosing to be a good father/coworker/friend falls into the same pattern. The simple truth of the matter is that it is where I put my time and energy that counts. This is where my willpower comes into play. I do have the capacity to choose to focus on these positive aspects. I do have the ability to turn my will over to my Higher Power, and ask for help to keep them a priority. In committing to recovery, in seeking to learn how to be a better me, I have little choice but to move away from my old behaviours that held me back. The motivation is within me, and always has been.

Affirmation

It’s not enough for me to say I want something. I need to make the effort to incorporate what I want into my life in order to realize my goals.

February 13

”People with clear, written goals, accomplish far more in a shorter period of time than people without them could ever imagine.” Brian Tracy

Goal-setting has been a challenge in recovery. I find myself at odds in trying to both live in the present and sit down to set goals that make me look to the future. Looking to set healthy goals is a new perspective, and one that’s still a bit unfamiliar. My future used to only be filled with planning for my next bout of acting out. Trying to determine what healthy goals are wasn’t that easy in the beginning. I had to rely on others around me to get their feedback before trusting that I was making good plans. Gradually, I gained confidence in my own skills to make good choices and set good targets that supported my recovery. One thing that certainly has helped is the simple act of writing out my goals. This is in part because it takes me longer to describe the goal, which makes it more real and gives it more importance. It also makes me think more about it, and can help plan steps to achieving it. The whole process enables me to envision realizing these tasks even more when I include those close to me.

Affirmation I will gradually be able to set goals with support and by taking the time to think them through and put them on paper.

September 28

”Difficulties increase the nearer we get to the goal.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Sometimes I feel like this is a test, that the closer I come to achieving something worthwhile, the more obstacles are thrown in my way. I’ve had good friends comment, on more than one occasion, that if there was the most difficult path to take to get through any given situation, well, then I would be the one to take it. Maybe it is the case, maybe it’s only my perception, or maybe those challenges are put before me to test my resolve, as well as to teach me something along the way. I saw another saying recently along the same lines that I think fits here, “The couples that are meant to be together are the ones who go through everything that’s designed to tear them apart and come out even stronger.” Yup, life can be like that some times. What I was missing before was a strong foundation, that belief in my Higher Power that I could overcome all those hard times, and grow as a result. Life is an uphill climb most of the time, and I was ill-equipped to handle the stress, and so relied too heavily on my addiction to try and pull me through. The thing is, the goals I seek are worth getting to, and there’s not really another way than crawling through the mud sometimes to get to the finish line. I need to trust that the God of my understanding has given me the tools I need to succeed, that He wants me to achieve my aspirations, and that He is there with me the whole time, cheering for my team to win.

Affirmation I do believe that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I will face the challenges placed before me today and I will overcome them through faith.

August 25

”Forward, as occasion offers. Never look round to see whether any shall note it. Be satisfied with success in even the smallest matter and think that even such a result is no trifle.” Marcus Aurelius

Some days when I reflect at the end of it all it can be hard to find any progress I have made. I need to learn to be gentler. Even small things like resisting a trigger, not contacting someone from my past or censoring something I was going to say that is not healthy are achievements in my recovery. Even small victories deserve recognition. I also need to stop waiting for the world to cheer because I am in recovery…my Higher Power knows, my sponsor knows, and those who matter most in my life know. The goal is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to continue my voyage through the process of the 12 Steps to the best of my ability. Each day of sobriety and serenity is a brick removed from the wall built by my addiction to keep me from my spiritual well-being. Life is not a game to be played too lightly and certainly my recovery is not something to be taken for granted. It will continue only as long as I continue to work my program, reach out for help, show gratitude and trust in my Higher Power.

Affirmation I will be thankful for whatever progress I make today, no matter how small.

August 17

”Far away in the sunshine are my highest expectations. I may not reach them but I can look up and see the beauty, believe in them and try to follow their lead.” Louisa May Alcott

Some of my goals may be loft ideas right now. They may seem unrealistic, unreachable or even impossible. Yet I can look back at my life to a time not so long ago where I thought the return to some sense of normalcy, of being able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, seemed a state that was out of my reach. Today it is something that has mostly been regained. So who am I to judge what remains in the realm of possibility? I need not achieve such grandiose dreams in a simple heroic leap…more likely it will take a long journey, and often, if I am focused on the way ahead and less on the goal, I often find I have surpassed the goal rather than recognizing the exact instant I have attained what was once so highly desired. My path in recovery is less about the milestones than it is about each mile and each stone that I look upon or under as I voyage ahead. My focus on the present, staying aware of what I can change, where I can make a difference – this is what enables me to mature and grow.

Affirmation I can reach for the stars while realizing that I still need to take a step at a time to get there.

August 12

”Faith and doubt both are needed – not as antagonists, but working side by side – to take us around the unknown curve.” Lillian Smith

Faith in my Higher Power, in myself, in my support network – all these help me to push forward and to face new challenges. Yet on the same hand doubt can force me to keep hold of the reins, to not charge blindly ahead but to proceed with some caution and well-reasoned intent. In this aspect I quite agree that they work hand-in-hand to help me seek the unknown in a more controlled and deliberate fashion. Recklessness and chaos were characteristics of my addiction. Acting with no regard for the consequences, simply succumbing to the lure of the promised “high” at the end of the journey was all that mattered. No consideration was given for the aftermath. Nor was there any worry about those I may hurt along the way, including myself, to reach the goal of my obsession. My goals today have returned to have a valuable meaning. Just as important, if not more so, are all the steps that I must take to reach the summit. They now need to be steps of integrity, honesty, respect and responsibility, for no longer does the end justified by the means. I need to be my authentic, recovering self each step of the way.

Affirmation I am returning balance to my life and acting more in ways that are congruent with my values and ethics.