July 18

”Our experience has taught me that happiness and passion in marriage do not come from finding the right partner, but in being the right partner.” Bill and Pam Farrel

My relationship with my partner is an important of my life, as is my partner. I am learning that I need to see this from 3 different perspectives. There is the aspect of self, that of my partner, and also the relationship which exists between us, but that is an entity unto itself. The health of things between me and my partner depends on taking care of each of these pieces. I need to take care of myself, my basic needs of food, love, shelter, security and spirituality. This includes working my program and spending time doing my outer circle activities. I need to take care of my partner by doing things like spending time with them, being considerate and respectful, helping out with chores and displaying my love and affection for them. I also need to put time and effort into the relationship between us. For me this means activities like having deep, meaningful conversations about our dreams and aspirations, resolving conflicts, and planning for goals. It also involves reading self-help books, attending seminars, and watching movies about strengthening a relationship. Prayer is also a core ingredient to help build intimacy. When I back off on even one piece of the puzzle, the relationship as a whole suffers. This is an important lesson to remember. I need not go to extravagant measures every day, but putting a bit of my energy into each of the three parts is a healthy plan. Continual work will ensure the longevity of the relationship, as well as my satisfaction and happiness within it.

Affirmation

Today I will ensure to take time for myself, to spend time with my partner and to work on our relationship, in order to maintain this wonderful gift I have been given.

May 30

”Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” Maya Angelou

Unfortunately this quote brings back memories of how I manipulated others in the past. I was the priority, and I was content to use others for my own purposes. There was little of me that was genuinely concerned with putting others before me, they were only stepping stones to meet my own needs. Today I can see the wisdom in this quote. And I can see parts of my life where I put this into practice. There are people in my life that I was trying to make a priority who were not of the same mind. Spending a lot of my time and energy on a relationship like this is mostly a waste of my resources. I am better served to focus on people who want to be a part of my life and who are willing to receive what I have to offer to them. There is the other side to this idea. That I should not let others believe I am a priority for them when I am not. It is not fair for me to lead someone astray in such a manner. I know what it feels like to be in their shoes. They deserve to be treated better so I can take that positive action. I have the responsibility to treat others as I would like to be treated.

Affirmation

I will look at where I am spending my time today, which relationships are dominating my energy, and evaluate which of them are the best ones for me to focus on.

September 10

”All the water in the world cannot drown you – unless it gets inside.” Mary Manin Boggs

Determining the sexual activities that I can keep in my life that are healthy has been a challenging endeavour. Working with my sponsor and filling out my circles has certainly helped to put things into perspective. All that groundwork has been useful in looking at sexual activities as I enter into a new relationship. I am able to recognize pitfalls and old behaviours, and be open and honest with my new partner. My sexual intimacy is deeper because of the knowledge and awareness I have gained through reading and internal reflection over the past months. It no longer has a stranglehold grip on my life, the compulsion has greatly diminished. I am able to let my partner set the tone and pace. I am able to set my own boundaries and respect those of my partner. This part of my life is being reintegrated in the whole me, rather than being the predominant aspect of my double life. I never expected to be able to experience a healthy sexual relationship again, not with myself and certainly not with someone else. The miracle of being where I am today has not escaped me and I am grateful to SAA for having guided me back to my Higher Power and this new life.

Affirmation I will find a healthy sexuality and be able to express it and share it with someone else.

July 16

”The potential for changing the future can lie only in the present.” Gillian Butler

In my early recovery I had a difficult situation of having to break off a relationship with a potential acting out partner. My best way to handle the situation immediately was an abrupt break with little reason or justification provided. I didn’t trust myself to get into any lengthy conversation figuring I would rationalize things to make it okay and continue supporting my addiction. Unfortunately this meant leaving the other person in the dark. It took over a year for me to gain enough maturity and strength to speak with this person again. It was someone whom I still saw from time to time and I would dread each potential encounter, not trusting what to say or worrying about how they still felt. So a meeting in a public place to clear the air and seek some closure eventually took place. One thing that was said which made me reflect after the fact was the question of how I could use someone who was a willing participant. I came to the realization that it only mattered about my own perception. I knew I had not been open, honest or genuine with this person, intending only to seek gratification for my fantasies and to feed my addiction. I was hurting myself in pursuing that encounter, regardless of how the other person felt. I am thankful my Higher Power continues to provide me with such powerful insights.

Affirmation I have many things I can learn from the past and the lessons are there to be learned in their own time.

June 26

”Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present.” C. S. Lewis

My outlook and manner of living my life have changed significantly from when I first discovered the program. Today I look at ways of sharing my talents and abilities with others rather than being focused on solely fulfilling my own wants. In fact, I find there are fewer and fewer things I want and that taking care of my needs is sufficient to keep me going. Even more, many of my wants have now become my desire to help others simply because I can. One of the places in my life where I notice this has changed the most is in dealing with my spouse. Whereas it used to be challenging to get me to help out, nowadays I do things as soon as I am asked or even take the initiative to simple to what needs to be done. It doesn’t matter whose chore it is, who did it last, whatever. If I am capable and have the time to do it then why shouldn’t I? I know I am making a concerted effort to live in the present. By my new understanding of what love is, I have a new desire to share my abilities for the betterment of other, doing service at each opportunity. I also give thanks regularly for all that has happened, good and even not-so-good, to have help me to grow. I find it important to show appreciation each and every day.

Affirmation Today I will practice service by helping out when I can, whether or not it is my job. I can take pride in simply doing what needs to be done.

May 11

”What the hearts has owned and had, it shall never lose.” Henry Ward Beecher

One of my most difficult challenges in my recovery has been trying to reconcile my relationships, especially my marriage. Realizing how much my addiction has taken away, how much damage it has caused to the love and trust that is supposed to be the foundation, has made it painfully evident how much work needs to be done to begin healing. I am more aware of how much I stand to lose, how much I have tossed aside. I am committed first to my own recovery, and somewhat of a secondary effect is the improvement in my commitment to my spouse. Working my program does not guarantee success in restoring my relationship. I have has lost many opportunities to be a responsible and caring parent. Yet I can be more present today and begin to reintegrate myself in to the lives of my children. My kids will notice my renewed interest and enthusiasm as long as I am consistent. I have stopped hiding my emotions from them and I am trying to be a more genuine person to be a better role model. I am rediscovering what love truly is, not the selfish lust and desire of my past, but the selfless giving and sharing with those I deeply care about. I am becoming comfortable with the idea that no matter what the future holds I will be alright with myself. I will still be the father that my children need. And my love for my spouse will always be a part of me.

Affirmation I can remain true to who I am and try to mend relationships but I need to keep my recovery a priority.

April 24

”You can stand tall without standing on someone. You can be a victim without having victims.” Harriet Woods

My recovery is just that – mine. The fact that I am reaching out for help, that I am seeking new tools and ways of coping with life – all these things change only one person, me. It does not mend broken relationships or fix other people. It does not put a flashing neon sign above my head that will tell people that I am in recovery and getting better. So my recovery is really focused on that phrase from the Serenity Prayer “the courage to change the things I can.” There are days that I think my relationships, especially those with my partner and family, should be improving as rapidly as I change myself. But I need to step back and remember that it takes 2 people to maintain a relationship. If my foundation is improving, but the other person has not been making changes, then the connection between us will not change a great deal. I need to keep a realistic view of what is occurring in my relationships. All those parts of my life that are external are more likely to change on someone else’s schedule, and not according to my wants and desires. I need to be patient and content with my own progress. Everything else will come in due time.

Affirmation I need to be aware and maintain reasonable goals for the changes in my life. It’s important to remind myself that the primary purpose for my recovery is self-improvement.

April 23

”Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness. Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness.” George Sand

One of the biggest changes I have seen in myself in my recovery is my renewed connection with those around me. In the midst of my active acting out I did not realize just how isolated and self-absorbed I had become. Today I am more cognisant of others that I interact with. I am acutely aware that I am not the centre of my world, and that in order to be healthy I need to have connections to other human beings. The way for me to get in touch with others is by giving of myself: by being kind and caring, empathetic and loving, respectful and compassionate. In doing selfless acts, small or large, I gain appreciation for being a member of society and the human race. As important as it is for me to focus on myself in recovery, I cannot ignore that I have to interact with others in my life. Part of my new path involves mending relationships that I have neglected, maintaining appropriate boundaries, respecting my own feelings and those of others, and seeking new and healthy relationships that support my journey of recovery.

Affirmation Today I will practice small acts of kindness to renew my connection to the world.

March 21

”And ever has it be known that love knows   not its own depth until the hour of separation.” Khalil Gibran

There are many consequences that we have to face as a result of our behaviour. If we are in a relationship there is a likely chance that we have strained our interaction, whether or not the entire truth of our secret has come into the open. Regardless, many are faced with the decision to separate from their partner, at least temporarily to take stock of the situation, focus on recovery and remove ourselves from some of the day-to-day stresses. This is a personal decision; some members have been able to remain in their relationship and work their own recovery while simultaneously improving the couple. Some have had a temporary separation to at least put some physical distance between them, while for others a permanent separation was the only option for at least one of the parties involved. These are unfortunate but real results of our past actions and behaviours. It is important to remember that we need to put our recovery first. If we do not remain sober, continually surrendering to our Higher Power, there is little hope in repairing the damage to any of our relationships.

Affirmation I must be willing to follow whatever path is best for my own recovery, even if it means separation. I need to trust in my Higher Power.

February 9

”I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.” Confucius

Being a sex addict with a partner or spouse can be challenging. One of the obvious questions is whether or not you can or even should stay together once the addiction has been brought into the open. As hard as it may be in such a situation, it is important to be able to do those things that are best for your recovery. If that means stepping out of your relationship, even temporarily, it may well be the best thing for everyone involved. Both people in the relationship will have issues within the couple, as well as individually. Sex addiction, like any other addiction is a family disease. And perhaps more than other addictions, sex addiction is a relationship disease. Everyone will likely benefit from the time and distance of a separation. The addict as well as their partner need time to reflect, seek help and begin the process of healing. Like my own history, there was a serious breach of trust between me and my partner. Taking a step back was critical in allowing each of us the chance to start rebuilding ourselves and our lives. It was not easy by any sense, but still very necessary. As an addict I was at the point where my words had little value and only my actions could be trusted. Being apart helped to show my commitment to recovery and the personal growth I was experiencing.

Affirmation Today I will try not to run away from the hard choices and trust in the will of my Higher Power for the sake of my recovery.