December 18

”Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes is what is called experience.” Denis Waitley

The program talks often about members sharing their strength, hope and wisdom. This often happens when someone shares their personal experience. This is one of the most precious moments in a meeting for me, when I am privileged to hear someone share their own story. I gain insight into my own life, my own recovery when I can relate to someone else’s history, see their struggle and their work to overcome the obstacles and challenges before them. Just as my openness to listen to others improves my recovery, so does my willingness to share honestly about my own path. When I find the courage to speak about my own mistakes and successes, when I can share how the program is aiding me in moving in a better direction, it’s more than just personal affirmation that the Steps are making a difference. I also give a testament to other members of the power of working the program. In working the steps, by taking the time for the introspection required to better understand myself and the underlying causes and effects of my addiction, I have also begun the process of turning my mistakes into fuel for improvement. Learning from the past is making my future look brighter, and I am gaining wisdom from the experiences that I have had in my life.

Affirmation

Accepting my past, reflecting upon my mistakes and wisdom, and forging ahead with new knowledge and tools – this is how the program helps me transform my ways towards a better life.

April 26

”We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreparably broken.” John Green

I still recall how I felt when I finally admitted that I had a problem. I was numb, no longer able to find any joy or pleasure in the world, truly a walking zombie. I felt broken, like I had wasted most of my life being a subject to my addictive behaviours. There was little hope, only darkness, despair, regret, and shame. I was a monster, and felt I only deserved to be punished. SAA gave me hope. I am glad I found it, glad that my father had been through AA and that I knew at least a little about the 12-Steps. Going for myself, for my own troubles was still difficult, but I was encouraged to have some familiarity. And knowing that my dad had managed to stay sober gave a glimmer of hope. It was certainly the stories of the men and women I encountered in those first months, their experience, strength and hope that showed the program could work for my issues as well. I saw their courage, their new found lease on life inspiring. I saw many examples of lives that should have been broken beyond repair, beyond forgiveness, beyond the reach of goodness. Yet I was surrounded by overcomers, and that gave me the will to put my faith in my own Higher Power and the program. For that I will be eternally grateful.

Affirmation

The human spirit and soul are resilient. There is always hope to change as long as there is breath in my body. I can and will overcome if I but trust in the process.

March 2

”Every winner has scars.” Robert N. C. Nix

Life events leave their traces on us. Some are good side effects that nourish and encourage us. Others are cuts, bruises, or worse that can diminish and hurt us. Some leave only superficial marks that wash away with a little bit of time. Others run deep and engrain themselves into a core part of our person. I can look at any or all of these and rationalize them to motivate me to be a better person, or on the contrary, to let them hold me prisoner, a victim of coincidence or fate. Life is what I am here to experience. If I want to live a fulfilling life, then I have to accept that it is a full contact sport. To be fully engaged means that I risk getting hurt along the way. I think those risks are worth taking. My time here is limited, and I want to experience as much of life as I can. I would like to have more good experiences than bad, but most of that is not there for me to decide. So I will look forward to all that fate has to offer as an opportunity, and leap at the chance to live 110%.

Affirmation In risking to live, I risk getting hurt. But not risking anything, is only existing. I choose life.

February 5

”Then he said to them all: ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.’” Luke 9:23

My religious background always led me to believe that the cross I had to carry was a burden, a punishment of sorts that was simply part of my life on Earth. It’s probably one of the many reasons that I turned away from the formal institution in my adolescence, that and the sense I had at the time of being brain-washed in ritual. My spirituality has matured a great deal in my recovery. While there is a God, of my understanding, that I value as my Higher Power, it is no longer the same figure I was raised to believe in. This transformation has also started to give me new insight into the cross I bear. I no longer see it as a burden, but as a tool. Perhaps seeing it as a yoke is more appropriate for me in my life today. A yoke gives the impression of work. Now I see all that I carry with me not as something to weigh me down, but as the experience, strength, hope and wisdom I have gained in this world which I can share with others. With this change of perspective also comes a change of attitude. Rather than dreading each day, and the burden I must carry forward, I can start my day joyously glad of all the opportunities that lay before me to share my gifts with others in need.

Affirmation As I strengthen my connection to my Higher Power, I will find strength and hope in places where there used to be only darkness and despair.

January 27

”Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you.” Aldous Huxley

I have come to realize that my life in addiction was not about experience, not about excitement, not even about living. My compulsive sexual behaviours for the most part are boring, monotonous, and only led to the routine and stagnation. When my life revolved around sex there was little else, no variety, no true appreciation for the natural wonder and beauty of the world, no connection with the people and places I encountered. Life is recovery is completely the opposite. Because I no longer crush, hide, or avoid my emotions, living today has depth. Because I once again believe in a power greater than myself that is good, that promotes life, everything I see, hear, touch, say and do has greater meaning and purpose. No longer do I live to satisfy only my own needs and desires but instead I strive to be of service to those around me and to share my God-given talents. Life now happens with me as an active participant rather than someone out-of-focus on the sidelines. I am accepting those things outside my control and taking the reins where I can make a difference. I am working to make the best of what is thrown my way, trusting that my Higher Power is there to lead me forward.

Affirmation Good or bad, come what may, let my Higher Power guide me today. If I stand or if I fall, let His strength carry me through it all.

December 20

”Experience is what you get when you do not get what you want.” Anonymous

Looking back at the past year, I would have to say that I have gained a lot of experience, but gained a lot of other things as well. If I look carefully, probably the biggest reasons I would say I have gained experience are because I did not truly know what I needed, or more likely that what I wanted was not really in-line with what my Higher Power knew I needed. A year goes by so fast and the road behind me seems much longer than it did as I travelled it. I could not have predicted to be where I am today when this year started. I had many difficult challenges to face with my relationships, especially my family, as a result of my addiction. This year has been rocky to say the least, and there have been some significant endings, like that of my marriage. Yet endings often lead to beginnings, and there have been some of those as well. I do know that I am more aware and appreciative of the ebb and flow of life. I feel more an active participant, taking my place, handling my responsibilities, and focusing on things that really matter. So I guess I am mostly content with the results thus far, and will continue to put faith in the path that God has lain before me.

Affirmation My journey sometimes needs to be seen in retrospect to be truly appreciated and put into perspective. I am on the right track if I stay in recovery.