April 23

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

Unlearning is an important part of my recovery program. I have grown up with false beliefs and perceptions of the world around me. My growth has happened as much from the new things I have been presented as it has been in letting go of old things that no longer support my life and its path forward. This is my understanding of Step Three, of turning my will and my life over to the care of the God of my understanding. It is opening myself to a divine guidance to lead me into the life I was meant to live. It is accepting that I am not in control of everything, and that often I do not know what is best for me. Letting go has been challenging work, it has not been a natural thing to handle. But like many things I am learning and practicing it gets easier with time. I am seeing the positive results as I submit myself to seek the counsel of my Higher Power and stop resisting the course He wants me to follow.

Affirmation

Let Go and Let God is the principle I shall try to focus on today, to seek out His Will and go in the direction that is offered.

November 18

”Self-discipline is the ability to get yourself to take action regardless of your emotional state.” Steve Pavlina

I never thought I had an issue with self-discipline. That may be true, I am a creature of habit, and I am very good at sticking to a routine. The problem in recovery was realizing that my routine was unhealthy and that it needed to be amended. Change was, is, uncomfortable. Fully accepting the will of my Higher Power and believing in the program was at odds with my self-disciplinary actions of my past. So how did I get there? By following the Steps. Step 2 is about coming to believe that a Power greater than me can restore me to sanity – meaning that there is a different way for me to live. Steps 6 – 9 are my surrendering steps, where I work at getting out of the way of me. It’s about Letting Go and Letting God, a phrase which has a new sense in my life these days. It’s about letting God get to work in my life, to prune and take away all the things that have gotten in the way of letting His light shine through me. Rumour has it that when Michelangelo carved the statue of David, he started with a piece of stone which had been discarded. When asked how he carved, he said that he did not carve, but that he saw David within the stone and simply let him out. I am starting to understand that my Higher Power wants to do the same with me, to remove my defects of character and old, defective behaviours and attitudes so that I can be the person He created me to be and to serve His will.

Affirmation

The Steps are my program to bring me closer to my Higher Power, to make me aware and willing to do His will, His way.

January 19

”Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.” Mahatma Gandhi

So here lies the crux of the problem. My addict, my compulsive addictive behaviour, starts from my thoughts. Perhaps like other addictions, but even more so, this is where my craving is born. In the beginning, the thoughts may seem innocent enough, but they have just enough of an edge, just enough of a shiny coating, to invite me in just a little further, to explore and come closer for a better look. Before I know it, I am way beyond just looking, but fully immersed, tasting, touching, living through the fantasy or reality that started from those small, simple thoughts. As Ambrose Bierce so aptly defined it, the brain is the apparatus with which we think that we think. So how then, do I use that which is broken to fix itself? A seeming conundrum indeed. Yet I do think there is an answer. I do believe that this life, this body that I am in is only a shell. Its purpose is to house something even more precious, my spirit. I have moved from seeing myself as a person with a soul to seeing instead a soul with a temporary body. And it is my soul or body, which existed before I was born and will continue to exist after my body expires, that has the power to overcome my errant thoughts. Simply put, my solution is to Let Go and Let God. I have not the human capacity to fix my broken thinking. I therefore require the faith and belief in my power greater than myself that my spirit, given the opportunity, can and will lead me in the right direction. This is where my harmony and purification will come from, by fully trusting in God’s will, not mine.

Affirmation

I am a creation of spirit, and it is this force within me that can make the impossible possible.

May 6

”Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, ‘Whom shall I send and who will go for us?’ Then I said, ‘I, Here I am, send me.’” Isaiah 6:8

It’s happened more than once that I have been sitting wondering who should step up to take on a particular role and then the realization has come of, why not me? This is usually followed by a few minutes of inner dialogue while I run through reasons (read excuses) of why I am not available, capable, etc. (more excuses) to be able to take on said task (rationalization and justification.) Thankfully, I am more in tune with my instinct and have strengthened my faith in my Higher Power (spiritual awakening) to step forward and volunteer. This has been apparent in my recovery (working my program) as well as other parts of my life (wholeness). It’s important for me to listen to signs that are challenges for me (meditation) to face and overcome something I needed to work on, even though I don’t usually recognize the opportunity at first (faith in His Will). Yet it has happened enough times that I let out a sigh, look up and send a message to God (let Your will, not mine be done) know that I am listening, and jump into action. This all has a lot to do with serving, with giving of myself and with following the will of the God of my understanding. It’s a sign of growth, of trust and faith, that the path He has laid before me is a good one and that I am willing to walk it. It’s also humility in acknowledging that I may not know the best way to go and that I am ready to serve and face whatever is placed before me as there is a good reason for it.

Affirmation

Today I will work at Letting Go and Letting God, seeking His will for my life, trusting in the route He has chosen for me to follow.

January 12

”A mind troubled by doubt cannot focus on the course to victory.” Arthur Golden

Life is full of choices. One of the areas that was a struggle, and still is from time to time, is finding myself dwelling on the “what-ifs”. I can get stuck in a cycle of self-doubt, wondering about the past, present and future. None of this worry lends itself to me moving forward though. It only serves to keep me locked in my bubble. The Serenity Prayer serves as a constant reminder that I have to focus on those things within my control. After that, I have to work at being content to leave the rest to my Higher Power to be concerned about – my worries are not going to make things any better. Once I make choices, the only thing left is to accept the consequences, whatever they happen to be. Regret for the past leads me back into doubt and worry. At the end of the day, I can look back to see that I made the best decisions with what I had available to me at the time. I don’t have a crystal ball to know how things will always turn out. I do have a great deal of faith in the God of my understanding though, that if I continue to work to do His will, things will work out as they should.

Affirmation I will be conscious of when I find myself what-iffing and work to Let Go and Let God instead.

November 30

”Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, ‘It might have been.’” Kurt Vonnegut

Some of my greyest days are those when I find myself wishing that things had been different, regretting choices I made or the roads I took. My thoughts can trigger these episodes, or can things around me. Running across some old photos, having someone around me reminisce about a past event, or simply running into someone I haven’t seen in a while. It can be challenging to pull myself back into the present, to stay current. Letting go of the past, in many ways Letting Go and Letting God, is required to leave behind what can no longer be changed. But I do recognize that I need to face some of these issues in order to have some finality with them and move on. There are lessons to be learned. My ability to choose is a much greater gift than I have considered in the past. So many things I do have repercussions days, weeks, months or even years later, and I cannot always appreciate that in the moment. It behooves me to see guidance, to surrender to the will of my Higher Power, to make good choices today that will lay the foundation for a better and brighter future.

Affirmation Coulda, woulda, shoulda thinking will not change the past. Let me focus on what I can do today to make good decisions that support my recovery.

October 2

”The reason why worry kills more people than works is that more people worry than work.” Robert Frost

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. Odd isn’t it, not a single mention of worry in those three simple lines. So where does it fit in? Hmmm, is worrying something I can change or not? I suppose, if I reflect, I can choose not to worry, so the opposite would be, well, letting go. Let Go and Let God – sounds a lot like accepting things I cannot change. And doing this brings me Serenity. Pretty powerful little saying, the Serenity Prayer. Stop worrying, let go, and you’ll feel more at peace – with yourself and the world around you. Pretty amazing stuff. Now, I mean, not all worry is bad, but really in very few cases does worrying accomplish anything. Usually it just increases and encourages my fears of what may or may not happen. It’s really not very useful in trying to avoid or prevent a situation, and is certainly not taking action in a positive direction. I think it is good that I am learning to worry less and turn those things which are out of my control over to the God of my understanding. Besides, I think He knows just a little better than I do what the future holds for me.

Affirmation Worrying prevents me from acting; time to let go and move on with those things I can do something about.

September 15

”A will finds a way.” Orson Svelt Marden

So many things in life are like a double-edged sword… the subject of will certainly is one of them for me. Trying to bend things to my will, well I have years of experience doing that, and more than ample examples of how my addict found a way, even against my better judgement. That was a total loss of will – me powerless and out-of-control. Recovery is showing me a new way, the will of the God of my understanding. It’s not all about me figuring out where my life is headed. It is about trusting in something bigger than me that knows better than I do what the future holds for me. It is opening myself up to the possibility that this “Other” wants the best for me and knows the way even though I probably cannot see it. It is faith become action that if I continue working my program, focus on me and what I can change, all the rest of the pieces are going to fall into place. It sounds a little crazy and too simple, yet it is working. Letting Go and Letting God has moved my life to such a better place than I ever thought possible. The program works if you work it!

Affirmation I am learning to let go to be open to the will of my Higher Power; it is a new and better way to live.

April 6

”The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” Albert Einstein

With a little sobriety under our belts, most of us can easily admit that we are thinking clearer than usual. We can see that we have insight and understanding into our own situation, our past behaviours and actions, if we are honest as we work through the steps. This can be scary, confusing and make us uneasy; we are not used to trusting our own judgement and reasoning after so much time living in active addiction. If we can take the sober look into ourselves we can find the truer feelings that are at the core of our troubled selves. The hurt and resentments of our past, as far back as childhood, that have never truly been resolved as we were either never allowed to feel or taught how to do so. Our ability to Let Go and Let God will free us from these dark secrets. We can begin to move out of focusing on our problems and into working towards our solution, which the 12 Steps are an integral part.

Affirmation Today I will rejoice in my sobriety and trust my feelings and instincts as I work my program of recovery.