February 1

”You can’t fix your broken thinking with your broken thinking.” Anonymous

One of my challenges in accepting that I suffered from an addiction, that I had this disease, was coming to terms with the fact that I couldn’t fix myself with anything I already knew. By delving into the First Step, by admitting that my life was unmanageable and that I was out of control, I saw the many ways in which I had, unsuccessfully tried to do things my way to break the bad habits and patterns of my life. This acceptance of course helped to lead me to the second and third steps, a willingness to turn my life over to a Higher Power that could restore me to sanity. In this way, I moved towards a new way of dealing with life, of trusting in something other than my own will to live, or my addiction, so that I could find my path back to a healthy life. This is the secret of the first three steps, as I understand them. The first means accepting that my thinking, my coping mechanisms, and my reality, are broken. Step Two is the promise of hope of a different way of life if I trust and surrender my will to a safe Higher Power. And finally in the third step I take action, even if only a baby step, by becoming willing to let my Higher Power guide my life and my actions. These steps were transformative for me. With the help of my sponsor and fellow members, progressing through them began the process of turning my life away from the fantastical world of my addiction towards reality. I was able to finally begin to see the fog life from the control of my addictive thinking that had clouded my judgement and reasoning for so long. Faith in my Higher Power led me back into the light of day.

Affirmation

I will remember the basics of the program as expressed in the first three steps today, acknowledge my problem, that there is hope, and that there is a different and better way to live.

November 18

”Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.” Malcom S. Forbes

I am grateful for the Step work that I have done so far. I found the approach that I used was a great tool which focused on balance and that gave equal weight to looking at the negative aspects of my past as well as the positive. The bad stuff was easy to find, there was an ample supply. The good parts were more challenging to find, but these were key components to help me in my recovery. Through these existing and recognizable strengths I was able to focus on parts of me, where I was at in the present, that were wholesome and good, and that became the foundation of redefining who I was as a person. In many ways, through those initial weeks and months of recovery, I overvalued what I thought I was – all those ugly parts that I associated with my addict. I undervalued what had been hidden or pushed aside as a result, or the character traits that I thought were only part of the façade, the public face to the world, which were still (and are) assets and things to be proud of. There was a great deal of soul searching while I worked through sorting out the kind of person I thought I was. I uncovered some strange things. I began to notice how many of my strengths had been subverted to support my addiction rather than healthier choices. Some obvious examples were my ability to write, my concern for others, and my ability to focus on the task at hand. All these are tools, and like any tool, they are not in themselves good or bad, but can be made so by how they are put to use. This awareness gave me building blocks to re-use solid parts of me for my recovery and to give them positive value.

Affirmation

The courage of Step One is the willingness to delve into myself and rediscover who I am. This is the beginning of a journey worth taking.

April 11

”If we celebrate the years behind us they become stepping stones of strength and joy for the years ahead.” Anonymous

One powerful tool of recovery is to share our life story. This may be accomplished through a Step One, or may be something that is done simply with a fellow member or our sponsor. It can be done as a written history that is read out loud or it can be recounted ad lib. Regardless, sharing our past can be beneficial in letting go of the power of the past that we’ve given too much control. Dwelling on what has been taken away from our ability to focus on the future. In letting go of the past and only using it to learn how to live better for today we will be able to forge a tomorrow. We can find the good times to bolster our attitude when needed and share our experience with other like us who still suffer. We will free ourselves of old guilt, shame and fear to be able to courageously move forward in recovery.

Affirmation My past is gone but what I have learned can help me face the challenges of today.

March 16

”Keep spiritually sound and be persistent. Persistence is the key. Just never stop believing in your dreams.” Deborah Aquila

30 days to make a new habit. 90 meetings in 90 days. My home group recommends that newcomers attend 6 meetings before deciding if the program is for them. Persistence it seems is something that SAA tries to teach us. For me persistence has a lot to do with learning to trust in the experience of others. My life in addiction was all about doing things my way. I know all too well where my own direction led me in my choices. In recovery I am now more committed to surrendering to the will of others, starting with my Higher Power. It’s hard to admit that I don’t always know what’s best for me especially in situations that relate to my addiction and past behaviour. I have lived sufficient examples to have seen that turning my will over to my Higher Power works. It’s accepting those things that I cannot change and letting them go, instead of foolhardily believing I have some power. I cannot change the weather any more than I can control another person. Instead I let go and put my energies towards changing what I can; myself. Things don’t always turn out the way I expect, but they usually end up the way they were meant to be.

Affirmation I recognize recovery is about learning new skills and habits. I need to keep trying until they become part of my routine.

February 2

“O what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.” Sir Walter Scott

As an addict we begin to realize that we have become, or at least think that we have become, masterful liars. We have managed to keep our addictive life and self a secret from those most dear to us among many others. We may even have a public face that is in sharp contrast to our addictive self, someone who is a prominent or respected figure in the community. But we harbour a darker side that would shock many if they ever knew even half the truth about our hidden lives. The harder part of the equation is how we lied to ourselves. By taking the First Step and admitting we have a problem we open the door to a new path of being honest. Taking those first acts of being truthful help to slowly distance us from the control of our addiction. Many of us start slowly by sharing our story with our sponsor or our group and before long we find we are sharing things that we never thought we could tell anyone. In letting go of our secrets we begin to free ourselves of the guilt and shame we carry with us.

Affirmation I acknowledge that road to being authentic and genuine begins with the simple truths. I will be honest with myself and others for today.