November 15

”There’s always failure. And there’s always disappointment. And there’s always loss. But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.” Michael J. Fox

Loss is not a vacuum – that thought does indeed match my own experience. During the process of experiencing any significant loss, while I grieve, I know that loss has indeed felt like a hole that I wouldn’t climb out from. But I have always come out the other side, and the time it has taken me to make the climb seems to depend on how quickly I let myself fully experience the loss and learn from it. The program tells us that pain is a teacher. Maybe not a very pleasant one, but a teacher nonetheless. For me, it has become clear that pain, like emotion, is simply an indicator to watch out for. Pain is a sign that something significant in me has been affected and is ready for change. I believe that I have always come out stronger and more prepared for future challenges. The first part of the quote is also true. While I know I hoped the world would become rosy and simple in recovery, the truth is that life is still life, full of ups and downs, gains and losses, joy and pain. My program is helping me deal with all of it, One Day at a Time.

Affirmation

Today may I become willing to recognize and accept pain, look beyond the hurt at the affect it is having on me and dare to look how I can grow and change as a result.

March 10

”We live in deeds, not years: in thoughts not breaths; in feelings, not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.” Aristotle

Highly emotional settings are still a challenge for me. Weddings, funerals, large family gatherings and the like can situations that want to overwhelm me. It is a struggle to find balance and to have enough of my own space…or to have too much by isolating from others. There is also the fact that some of these events can trigger things from my past like a failed relationship, someone whom I have lost, or some other significant happening. Any of these can take me away from the present moment. It may also be part of my grieving that is still not quite finished. Hearing words like “what God has joined, let no man break asunder” can take me back to feeling like I have not lived up to expectations. There are many challenges to my beliefs and morals, and I can find myself questioning if I have made the best decisions. In the end I need t be aware of the state that I am in, and allow myself the time and space to feel my feelings, to just sit with my emotions and let them percolate through my system. They are there to be experienced and appreciated for what they are. I can recognize what they make me think about and what I am discovering in re-examining past events. This is all about getting to know myself better and become more ready to accept myself for all that I am.

Affirmation When a flood of emotions is upon me, let me find the courage to let them flow through me and learn all that I can to love myself even more.

March 29

”Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” Denis Waitley

There may come a powerful moment in your recovery where you can look at your past with a new set of eyes. In reflection you may discover the ability to filter out the double life of your addict and focus in on the real person that was struggling through life. Getting to this point in recovery can help you see the true underlying issues that the addiction has kept under wraps for all these years. There comes a time for many addicts where they need to grieve the loss of their addiction to fully relinquish control. This may happen as a letter, full of feelings towards letting go in order to free oneself to move forward. We can gain great power in our lives by going through a formal farewell and letting ourselves be part of the natural process of losing a part of who we are.

Affirmation I can accept that some moments in recovery will be powerful and life changing.  I am ready move on and continue to change.