August 15

”Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.” Eliza Tabor

I’m not sure how noble my soul is, but I can certainly accept that my intentions in recovery are indeed noble. The process of wanting to better myself, to leave my poor habits and behaviours behind while replacing them with more mature and positive ones is certainly a noble endeavour. Disappointment, failure and even loss can be used to fuel change. They can be the starting point to temper my resolve, to strengthen my courage, and to intensify my commitment. While they do not destroy, if I feed them instead with worry, doubt and fear, they will cover up my feelings, dragging me down the path of despair and desolation. Herein lies my dilemma, to choose the path that will nurture me and help me grow, or to follow the other which will stunt and retard my progress. The latter path is well known to me, the way is smooth and free of obstacles. The nurturing path is barely cut and full of thistles and thorns, deadfall that blocks the path, mud and other challenges. Yet it is in the struggle that I rediscover myself, that I put my new tools and ability to use and begin to build new roots. Setback is something I expect, I am learning to do things a new way and I accept that I will make mistakes. The goal is to continue trying and moving away from my old ways of behaving. This is part of the adventure of my new life.

Affirmation

My perception of failure, disappointment and setbacks can change to be a positive thing, a source of inspiration to continue down my new path.

In Memorium

'Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.' The Latin term for that sentiment is Carpe Diem. Now who knows what that means?...Seize the day. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. Why does the writer use these lines?...Because we are food for worms, lads. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day gonna stop breathing, turn cold, and die.

Now I would like you to step forward over here and peruse some of the faces from the past. You've walked past them many times. I don't think you've really looked at them. They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you. Their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen. Do you hear it? Carpe. Hear it? Carpe. Carpe Diem. Seize the day boys. Make your lives extraordinary.

Robin Williams

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I'm breaking from my writing pattern for a special occasion, the untimely passing of someone who has, likley unbeknowst to him, been a major role model for most of my life. Dead Poet's Society has remained my favorite movie of Robin Williams. My Captain has gone forth from the land, and not in a way I had hoped he might. His loss, especially as a suicide, has not change my opinion of him. Having faced demons of my own, I feel I can sympathize and understand, at least to a degree, where he has been.

And in the same moment, this event has brought about a mix of emotions. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. I am a big fan, I have had the blessing of meeting my idol in person backstage during one of his stand-up tours. I thought so well of him, that I have an unsent letter sitting in my computer, that was to accompany a copy of my meditation book as a gift of appreciation for the inspiration his career and talent has given me. That letter which has been written for 3 months while I wait for the right moment to send it. And then come the questions, did I wait too long to send it? Would he have received it and read it? Could I somehow have changed his path through that gesture? Then comes the reality of accepting that I will never know as I cannot go back into the past and make things different. Did I miss my chance to seize the day?

We are all worms for food, that is the fate that awaits each of us. Do I have the courage to take the reins in my life, to act with extraordinary courage and fearlessly pursue my dreams? Maybe I have been listening too long, waiting for the perfect moment, and instead need to act more swiftly before I am too late. Life is precious and fragile. Our grasp and understanding of the world and reality is often tenuous at best. Moments like these are a harsh reminder that none of us escapes this mortal coil alive. Therefore every moment is a gift and should be treated with care, and used to the best of its ability. So the unsent letter, although it may be too late to reach the intended recipient, is going in the mail tomorrow. Many other things that have been put aside now seem more important to me. I know for myself, this tragic loss will not be in vain, and it will be another source to fuel my recovery, my giving back to the world for the recovery and serenity I have found. Thank you Robin for being a source of inspiration that will carry on well after you have gone from this life. I know that Heaven is a much happier place now that you are there. God bless you and keep you, thanks for all the tears, all the laughter and for being who you were. Genie, you're free.

A New Beginning

As my postings for yesterday and today attest, somethings must eventually come to an end. Today's meditation closes out a complete year's worth of daily thoughts. Through my experience of writing these 366 entries, I have grown in my program, and hope that my humble words have helped others along the way as much as they have helped me to get to know myself better.

I am now transitioning into a new phase of my recovery. I am looking forward to spending the next year as a reader of my own words, to reflect on just how far along my path I have come since putting pen to paper. It will be an interesting twist to see how much of my own story will relate to the days ahead.

I still intend to keep writing meditations, but not necessarily with the same vigour as I have over the past year and half. Journalling has become an important tool to help me reflect and deal with the challenges I face as I stumble down my path of recovery, so I know better than to ignore something that is of use to my own growth.

I hope that if you have become a regular follower that you continue to check for new material, or refer to the older posts. Wherever you are in your own journey, I pray that you continue to make that all-important choice each day, and choose to be in recovery.

God Bless and may you spend this day in Serenity.

A Lesson in Humility

Well, so here is the gist of the matter. With all the best intentions (read planning and scheming), I boldy set out publishing my meditations with, I thought, a reasonable stockpile of roughly 90 reviewed, ready-to-post, meditations in m back pocket. I reasoned that if I could maintain a pace of writing 5 new ones a week, well, then I should relatively easily make it to posting a continuous 366 day's worth. So here we are after 2/3 of a year published, and the well of meditations has run dry. Well, maybe that is an overstatement - there are certainly plently of ideas running around in my head, its more the lack of having extracted them onto paper, then typing  them up and reviewing them to prepare them for posting that is missing.

So, to any of you have been faithful followers, my sincerest apologies as I expect that for the foreseeable future, that there may be, dare I say it, holes in my daily meditations. I have been slowly switching to a daily routine, but I know that life, as it often does, will through kinks into the works that will challenge me to keep this a true daily posting.

Still, on a personal note, having completed just over 240 meditations, a combined effort of about a year's worth of work, feels pretty good. I am going to accept a self pat-on-the-back for not having given up, well, at least entirely, on this aspect of my recovery, which has had the added benefit of bringing me closer with my parents, of all people, who have been a great support throughout these past months of change.

SoI hope you bear with me as the transition takes place, and who knows, maybe making this a truer "daily" blog won't be so bad after all. I have faith that my Higher Power knows what is best and will be there to support me in all my endeavours.

In Serenity,
Arthur

April 11

”If we celebrate the years behind us they become stepping stones of strength and joy for the years ahead.” Anonymous

One powerful tool of recovery is to share our life story. This may be accomplished through a Step One, or may be something that is done simply with a fellow member or our sponsor. It can be done as a written history that is read out loud or it can be recounted ad lib. Regardless, sharing our past can be beneficial in letting go of the power of the past that we’ve given too much control. Dwelling on what has been taken away from our ability to focus on the future. In letting go of the past and only using it to learn how to live better for today we will be able to forge a tomorrow. We can find the good times to bolster our attitude when needed and share our experience with other like us who still suffer. We will free ourselves of old guilt, shame and fear to be able to courageously move forward in recovery.

Affirmation My past is gone but what I have learned can help me face the challenges of today.

Lean On Me - Introduction

I started writing these daily meditations as part of my own journey in recovery. I have always been drawn to quotations from a variety of sources, and once in the SAA program I began to see many in a new light. Before long I started a journal, filled with quotes that spoke to me, not only in terms of where I was in my recovery, but where I wanted to be. I also started to bring in tidbits of wisdom, hope and strength from fellow SAA members, and those thoughts to have been captured in my reflections within these pages.

I am a sex addict, and will be for all the days of my life. But this no longer discourages me; rather it gives me great joy and even pleasure as I have been fortunate to discover such wonderful people, a second family that exists within the program. And in keeping with the SAA program and steps of recovery, this work is part of my Step 12, “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex addicts, and to practice these principles in our lives.”

The title, Lean on Me, comes directly from the song by the same name. I have found a new family in my fellowship, and have leaned on as many people as I have found that I have been the shoulder there to support someone else. One of the biggest comforts I have found, and have heard echoed from others is that within our groups we no longer feel alone. We have found companions who understand us, have shared our struggles, our hopes and success, and seek to gain sobriety and sanity by working the program.

I am taking the risk of opening my thoughts to the world at large, and to receive criticism against my wisdom in the midst of the chaos of my recovery. I have shared some of what is within these pages with others in my fellowship, and have found they have struck a chord with most. My words come from my heart, and moments of clarity where I am best connected with my Higher Power. May God grant you serenity in reviewing my humble beginnings.