December 30

”A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.” David Brinkley

How do I react to the criticisms of others? What do I do with those who try to pull me down, discredit me, or make me look bad? Do I retaliate? Do I cower and hide? Or is there another option? I have spent much of my life lacking the self-confidence to stand up for myself, to defend my values and beliefs, to take charge when others have tried to bring me down. In truth, I believe that this was due in part because I did not have a good relationship with myself, nor with a Higher Power. Rather I lived letting others define who I was, how I should act, and determine what role I was supposed to be playing. Life in recovery has begun to show me that there is another way to go through this world. Following the will of the God of my understanding provides direction for my life. It also provides support and helps me to ignore those who do not wish to see me succeed in life. I am beginning to understand that much of that criticism comes from jealousy, envy and others misfortune and not that of my own. People who are mean tend not be well in their own lives and seek to put others down in attempt to make themselves feel better. That is not how I choose to live. I can use that negative energy targeted against me as proof that I am going in the right direction.

Affirmation

Negative reactions to how I am living can be as important as positive ones to reinforce that I am doing the right thing. I need to also be cognizant of the source of those reactions to determine what I should do with the feedback received.

February 21

”He who closes his ears to the views of others shows little confidence in the integrity of his own views.” William Congreve

Step Three is about having the willingness to turn our lives over to the care of our Higher Power. One of the ways I think this happens is in my acceptance that this will manifest in those around me. And in order to be willing, then I need to be open to the opinions and advice of others. Their influence can be a sign or direction from the God of my understanding, but I have to be listening and looking for it. Sometimes what is said from others supports my ideas and plans, reinforcing what I have already intended to do. This acknowledgement can be a confirmation of what I am supposed to be doing. It can also be the opposite. I need to be willing to examine the source of this support, is it from someone who is normally a positive influence in my life, or not? The same contradiction exists when those around me are against my views and plans. Depending on the person who is sharing, they may be challenging my ideas to make them stronger and find flaws, or it may be out of a genuine concern that they are not necessarily the healthiest choice for me to make. All in all, this requires the ability on my part to listen to others and take the time to understand their point of view.

Affirmation Listening to others does not degrade the value of my own thoughts and ideas. Rather, it can reinforce what I have chosen, or be a warning to let me steer my actions in another direction.

June 8

”Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” Abraham Lincoln

I don’t know that I am always tactful in dealing with others, especially those close to me. I don’t think I can express my feelings in such a way as to show others how they see themselves. But then again how I express my feelings is not about others but about how I am doing. I have every right to let someone know how their words and actions affect me, but there are ways to do it which are better than others. My preferred method, even though it still feels strange, follows a simply format. It starts by specifically naming the action or incident that affected me, followed by my emotions in reactions, and concludes with what I need as a result. Many times what I need is simply to let the other person know how I am feeling. Sometimes what they are doing bothers me and I need the action or the way they are speaking to simply stop. This technique, though it focuses on me, is meant to be a gift of awareness to the other person. Whether or not they choose to accept it, open it and do something with it is another matter. I keep my feelings to myself less and less often. I rarely find myself burying them in the holes of the place where they can fester and grow. I am maturing emotionally and trying to deal with life’s situations as they happen

Affirmation Today I will be conscious of how I express myself and work at keep the focus on how I feel and what I need to be safe.

April 5

”The only service a friend can really render is to keep up your courage by holding you up to a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself.” George Bernard Shaw

What an apt description of how I view the role of my sponsor. Not only are they my confidant, certainly in terms of the history of my illness, but they are also my B.S. meter. They are able, through their own experience and knowledge of my situation, patterns and stressors, to see well before I do that I am straying off the path. Yet being a boon to my recovery also means that they are able to pull me back when I am being too hard on myself. They are able to help me be gentle and remind me that I am only human. An idea that was presented to me is that in order to give good feedback, I need to be willing to risk a friend to save a life. I find this very applicable in my recovery and it is something I can ask from those who support me. It is important for my helpers to risk telling me when I am going astray to help protect me from myself. I know I cannot always trust the person who stares back at me in the mirror. I have too much practice rationalizing and minimizing my behaviour. I am thankful to have those around me who are not afraid to tell it like it is.

Affirmation If I get feedback today that puts me on the defensive, I will pay attention. There is likely more truth in it that I want to admit.

March 27

”Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in life has a purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from.” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

One of my biggest challenges in life has been dealing with conflict, or at least what I feel is a potential conflict. I am learning as I continue to take my personal inventory that it is not so much conflict I fear as it is being rejected because I shared my feelings. The conflict, as I am beginning to understand it, is mostly within my own head. It stems from my reluctance to tell others how I am really feeling, how a given situation is affecting me and my emotional health. I am learning to put into practice new tools. One that really helps me in this domain is a way to give feedback. It’s about me taking the risk of letting others know how their behaviour affects me. It is really an outlet for me to share my own feelings in such a way as to not put the other person on the defensive and create controversy. Using this tactic goes a long way in helping me to reduce my anxiety about potentially confrontational situations. The little bit of courage I need to take this step goes far in helping me maintain my serenity and balance.

Affirmation I will continue to take my own inventory, check my pulse, and keep focus on those things that still bother me so I can work on them and continue to cope with life on life’s terms.