April 27

"Don't wait. The time will never be just right.” Napoleon Hill

Fear is a powerful emotion, often paralyzing, freezing me in my tracks, even before I have attempted to take the first step. Fear of failure, of making the wrong choice, of not being able to follow through, of not having the skills or ability to succeed. My fear manifests in many different forms, but no matter how it appears, the goal is the same, to keep me within the safe and comfortable chains of what I know. This is not a recipe for growth or change. In order learn, to improve, to become a better person, I need to take risks and voyage into the unknown. I need to break free from the chains of my past to try something new, to be open to failure, to be vulnerable. In my struggles I am learning to see the presence of fear from a new perspective. Rather than it being an obstacle, it is becoming a sign post that I am moving towards growth and development, that I am challenging myself and my beliefs. It is becoming an clear indicator that I am making progress and moving in a new direction. I am turning my fear into positive motivation.

Affirmation

I will pause when I feel afraid today to investigate the message behind it, and look to use it to fuel my decision to change and grow.

April 15

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” Mahatma Gandhi

Finding myself with too much free time is usually not a good thing. It can lead me to old habits to fill up that empty space. In recovery, I am recognizing that I need to use this time wisely, and one healthy way of doing so is to use it to be of service. This can take many forms, reaching out to someone in the program, doing some chores around the house, or volunteering my time and effort to a worthy cause. These acts of service are not only beneficial to the others I am serving. It is a productive use of my time, it is part of my outer circle, and it connects me to my community and the world around me. It builds up my self-esteem and pride, gives me a sense of accomplishment, and promotes life and growth. My journey is mostly one of self-discovery. About shedding light in the dark corners, but also in recognizing the good and promoting my talents and abilities. I have a lot to offer the world, and I am grateful for the opportunities I have to share myself with others. This is much more rewarding than my selfish behaviours of the past.

Affirmation

Being of service today is a win-win for me and the others I choose to help.

March 29

"But fear is an incompetent teacher...to be alive is a responsibility as well as a right.” Patrick Stewart

I've heard the mantra in the program than pain is a teacher. I think that is a more valuable assessment, so I agree with the actor's statement as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, fear is not a great teacher. Fear has taught me to hide, to cower, to run away from adversity and difficult. Pain used to teach me the same thing, but only because I turned to the compulsive and obsessive behaviours and acts of my addiction. In recovery, pain is a signal that there is something going on that I need to pay attention to, that this is an opportunity for growth and change, not something that I from which I need to escape.      I have been given this life, for a reason, I have a purpose. I have both a responsibility, and the right, to use the talents, skills, and abilities that I possess, to live the best and most productive life that I can. My addictive past was selfish and self-centered. My life in recovery, while taking care of myself may be seen as a selfish act, is all about widening my horizons so that I am an active part of my community and the world. It is about being the best me I can in order to give service to others.     I still face fear and pain. I still have regret, shame and guilt. Yet these are no longer the dominating emotions in my world. Rather, I am able to focus on the hope, joy, serenity and beauty in the world. I am maturing, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and even in my relationships. I am more connected to myself, more in harmony between my thoughts, words, and actions.

Affirmation

I will be open to the signs of fear and pain in my life today and look for the opportunities within them for growth and development.

November 17

”Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of a greater or equal benefit.” Napoleon Hill

I find the word adversity used quite often in self-help materials, so I finally decided to look it up in the dictionary. Merriam-Webster defines it as “a state or instance of serious or continued difficulty or misfortune.” I would say that more often I feel people equate it with a challenge or struggle, rather than such a dire circumstance as the definition leads me to believe it is meant to be used. Definition aside, I am coming to see the patterns in my life, particularly in recovery, where my most difficult periods have led to my biggest rewards. Even though that may be the case, it is often little consolation when I am struggling with an unpleasant situation. Like many things, those tough times can only be viewed as the start of a change towards something better in retrospect. So where does that leave me? Well the saying “This too shall pass” comes to mind. I do trust that my Higher Power is there with me, helping me to get through the storm and out the other side. I just have to keep my faith, keep persevering, continue putting one foot in front of the other and I will get where I am supposed to be going.

Affirmation

Life is a mixture of good times and bad, and the challenging times are opportunities for me to mature and grow.

January 1

”Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.” Benjamin Franklin

This is sound advice for starting a new year. It is also a good reminder for every other day of the year. I may not like to look at my recovery this way, but it is indeed a constant battle against my compulsive and addictive thoughts and behaviours. It certainly consumes less of my time and energy as it did in the beginning, but the fight is there nonetheless. My addiction is not my only vice, and I am also reminded to continue my step 6 and 7 work to identify my shortcomings and ask for my Higher Power to take them from me. Being at peace with my neighbours is a positive step. I can take this further and be of service to others, not only within my fellowship but within the greater community. This ties in well with many of my outer circle goals that are less self-centered than my recovery work which is very personal. The new year is also a good time for me to reflect on the progress I have made over the past year. I am thankful that I can say that I am a better man this year than last. And still improving. My growth and changes are ongoing work that will continue for some time to come. I am grateful that I am establishing healthy routines to keep my life going in a better direction, one that is led by my Higher Power. My step work, meetings, therapy and other personal growth activities are all integral parts of my life and there to keep me on track.

Affirmation

I am grateful for opportunities to look back and see how far along I have come from those days of darkness and despair. My program is a key component to keep me on the right path.

January 18

”Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness.” Jean Vanier

My addiction became the largest part of my defense mechanism. I was the wall I built to protect me from my suffering, my defects and my weaknesses. The intentions were good in the beginning, when I was younger and didn’t know a better way. But because it became the primary method of dealing with most anything in life, I didn’t live fully. I spent my time hiding, pushing emotions inside and burying. There was no room to accept how life affected me. What was once a protective barrier had become an all-consuming entity that was destroying me. Recovery has a great deal to do with acceptance. I have to accept me as I am. That means accepting all that has happened to bring me to today. It also means that I need to take time to face all the things I put away in the closet and didn’t give myself permission to feel. It means becoming willing to let go of those aspects of myself that no longer serve their purpose. I am learning to accept my weaknesses, along with my strengths in equal measure. In getting to know myself once again, wholly, I open the path to growth and nurturing.

Affirmation There will come a time when I need to let go of things from my childhood which no longer work for me as an adult. I am willing to take this mature step forward.

October 7

”What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.” T. S. Eliot

Nature is a wonderful teacher. The seasons are just one example that shows us the cycle of life, full of beginnings and endings. As autumn is in full swing, I have realized that even in an ending, there is beauty to be found. It is giving me a new perspective on chapters of my life that have come to a close. In my work, the end of a project is also a time for reflection and evaluation. It is an opportunity to look at what happened compared to what was planned, and to see what lessons can be learned for the future. It is a time to recognize the things that went well, what was overlooked, and mistakes that were made in order to have the chance to make things even better the next time. It`s important for me to do this in my personal life as well. As I move on to new adventures, it is useful to take the time to reflect on the period that has finished. Introspection is a healthy part of my recovery, and recognizing strengths and weakness is an integral part of my step work. These moments are needed for my continued growth.

Affirmation In endings I will find beginnings, and the lessons I have learned are important reminders to help lay the foundation for my new plans and goals.

December 31

”In the middle of a difficulty lies opportunity.” Albert Einstein

As another year draws to a close, I find myself reflecting on all that has happened. It has been a year of turmoil, challenge and adversity. But in the midst of all that, I have learned an enormous amount about myself. I have reconnected to my spiritual centre and I have changed and grown. As another member recently shared, it is through all those difficulties that my life has improved and so in truth I am grateful, although most of those times were not pleasant while I was right in the middle of them. The dawning of a new year holds 365 days of promise and hope for my life to continue in its current and better direction of recovery. I don’t know all that awaits me this year, but having survived the challenges of the present year with the aide of the tools of my recovery that I have learned, I know I am much better prepared to step into the coming year. I am learning to seek the opportunity in the challenges that life presents me. Rather than cowering and hiding from difficulties, I am opening myself to embrace them and to see the potential for growth and change. Look out world, here I come!

Affirmation I am learning to live and cope with life on life’s terms. The program is teaching me how to deal better with all life’s challenges.

October 5

”If you don’t accept failure as a possibility, you don’t set high goals, and you don’t branch out, you don’t try, you don’t take the risk.” Rosalynn Carter

My life doesn’t change because it is comfortable to do so. Living and acting in ways that I know, which are familiar to me is about keeping things the same. I know I am a creature of habit and don’t usually prefer doing something new. As a result, doing recovery work, learning how to take the Steps and integrate them into my life, means taking risks. It’s about stepping outside my comfort zone to do things in a way that I don’t feel at ease with. It means trusting that somebody else’s ways of handling life might be better than my own. It means there’s a chance I am not going to get things right, that I will make mistakes. It also means that it’s a chance for me to grow. Doing things the way I have always done them does not stimulate improvement in my life. To make a difference, to find a better way of living and interacting with the world around me, means I need to make changes. These changes have happened to my knowledge and awareness, my connections with my emotional centre, and most definitely with my spiritual self. I don’t have to set high goals, simply living without the characteristics of my addiction, for today, is a target worthy of my efforts.

Affirmation I need to be aware of when I do what is comfortable rather than what I need to do to change. May my Higher Power give me the strength to choose the latter.

August 27

”Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what your do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi

I am more conscious when my life is in harmony; when I feel content with who I am right here, right now. Becoming honest with myself, connecting with my feelings, and being able to speak my mind appropriately give me a new sense of living that feels healthy and whole. I am more often able to be in a state of mind where I feel at peace with myself and connected to my Higher Power and the world around me. Even though parts of me know better, I still have moments where I need to learn the hard way. I will speak to the wrong person, say the wrong thing or have an inappropriate thought. But by the grace of God, as I understand Him, I  now feel how incongruent these behaviours are and recognize that I have indeed changed. I’ll still have to handle the consequences of what I have said or done, but in most cases the lesson has been learned. I am moving forward in my recovery and moving beyond my mistakes. Harmony in my life ebbs and flows like most things. How well I work my program and take care of myself and my basic needs are all factors that I can control to improve my current condition. As long as I keep focusing on the small things I will be much more prepared to face the bigger challenges.

Affirmation May my thoughts, words, and actions match for today. I will be open to my Higher Power working through me.

July 22

”Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous circumstances which would have lain dormant.” Horace

I think I am discovering that one of my beliefs about this life as I know it is that it is not supposed to be easy. That happy-go-lucky place of no worries is what heaven is supposed to be (as I understand it), and as far as my religious beliefs go, I still think I need to earn my way in. Therefore my time here on Earth is not only to probe myself worthy, but to learn what it is to be human along the way. So far as my own experience goes I seem to learn a whole lot more about being human from going through hard times than coasting along when everything is fine. So my philosophy is that challenges, trials, disasters, tragedies – all these events that seem to bring out the worst in terms of what life has to offer – are also where mankind shows their greatest strengths. It is times like these where we  put aside our selfish interest to be compassionate and helpful for others, become more self-sacrificing for a greater good. In my own life I have chosen to rise to the occasion probably less often than I have been washed away, unable to find the strength to overcome the situation. Yet I have survived to be where I am today and I know I have a greater faith in my Higher Power to help me weather the storms that lay ahead.

Affirmation I can accept that the difficult times are challenges for me to overcome and learn from so that I can grow.

May 15

” Don't wait for your 'ship to come in' and feel angry and cheated when it doesn't. Get going with something small.” Irene Kassorla

I feel…I feel good when I am happy, when I am sad, when I am frustrated or even when I am angry. I am learning to distinguish and separate my feelings from my actions. My emotions are a response to a situation – how it affects me. I can see now that my emotions do not need to be incorporated into the actions that I take. Therefore I can allow myself to feel pain, to feel rejection or to feel angry. There is a reason I feel this way, some part of my beliefs, values or morals that are being confronted. But I do not need to be angry, to return anger in my response. The feelings are my own to be felt and are not meant to be shared. This is a big step in my recovery and my emotional maturity. It is still a new insight and way of behaving and I am conscious that it will take time and patience for it to become a more regular way for me to respond to life, and certainly in situations of conflict. Like everything else I am learning in recovery, awareness of how things are is a powerful force in guiding me to change my perceptions and behaviours.

Affirmation Today I will try to not reflect my feelings in my actions towards others; my emotions are meant for me to perform a self-check before responding appropriately.

April 25

”A series of failures may culminate in the best possible result.” Gisela Richter

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. In my daily life, I am beginning to be more open to accepting failures as learning experiences, as stepping stones in helping me understand a particular lesson. Perseverance and the willingness to keep trying are positive traits that help me to cope with everyday occurrences. I can look back at specific examples where a string of failures and mistakes eventually led to the right course of action. Most of the time I am more appreciative of the end result if there has been difficulty reaching the goal. And, more often than not, there are a number of ancillary things that I have discovered along the way. Life is all about the journey and not the destination. I can be grateful for the path that life takes me on more than the landmarks that I reach along the way. My growth comes more from adversity than from things merely happening as I expect, and the reward is usually sweeter.

Affirmation My failures help define and test my character and resolve. I will continue to try, push forward, and know that I will eventually succeed.