November 18

”Self-discipline is the ability to get yourself to take action regardless of your emotional state.” Steve Pavlina

I never thought I had an issue with self-discipline. That may be true, I am a creature of habit, and I am very good at sticking to a routine. The problem in recovery was realizing that my routine was unhealthy and that it needed to be amended. Change was, is, uncomfortable. Fully accepting the will of my Higher Power and believing in the program was at odds with my self-disciplinary actions of my past. So how did I get there? By following the Steps. Step 2 is about coming to believe that a Power greater than me can restore me to sanity – meaning that there is a different way for me to live. Steps 6 – 9 are my surrendering steps, where I work at getting out of the way of me. It’s about Letting Go and Letting God, a phrase which has a new sense in my life these days. It’s about letting God get to work in my life, to prune and take away all the things that have gotten in the way of letting His light shine through me. Rumour has it that when Michelangelo carved the statue of David, he started with a piece of stone which had been discarded. When asked how he carved, he said that he did not carve, but that he saw David within the stone and simply let him out. I am starting to understand that my Higher Power wants to do the same with me, to remove my defects of character and old, defective behaviours and attitudes so that I can be the person He created me to be and to serve His will.

Affirmation

The Steps are my program to bring me closer to my Higher Power, to make me aware and willing to do His will, His way.

October 10

”Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32

As I have said many times, and I am likely to continue repeating, life is about choices. Through the program and my tools like the 12 Steps and the Serenity Prayer, I am getting better at being able to see where and when to make good choices. Bitterness, anger, frustration, malice – these are not choices that enhance my calm. Being loving, tenderhearted, forgiving, showing compassion – these are attitudes that make me feel genuinely good and support my recovery. There is a great parallel here to my program of recovery. Much of my focus these days is on incorporating my outer circle activities into as much of my life as possible. These are the healthy choices that not only support my recovery work, but they also help out my family, community, and workplace. In making decisions that support my new lifestyle, I strengthen my commitment and desire to continue living this way, free from the manipulation and control of my addiction. Much of my time is spent looking at how I can be of service to others, be it my children, my partner, my colleagues, or whomever I am in contact with. In doing so, I am gradually rebuilding my own self-esteem and confidence. I am increasing my self-love, self-acceptance, and fulfilling my own basic needs without needing to have them filled temporarily by sources outside myself. All this leads to a healthier, happier, and more resilient me.

Affirmation

Positive choices today, from my attitude to the activities that I undertake, have a significant influence on how good I will feel, and how healthy and sober my day will be.

August 2

”It is not your job to make anyone happy.  It is your job to be happy.  Then you're in the perfect position to uplift everyone you meet.” Alan Cohen

The more I find out about myself, about how I should be living, the more I discover that there is a lot of work involved. I need to be happy. I’m the one who needs to adjust their attitude. I have to lead my heart. I need to work my program. Me me me! Ok, so maybe it’s not as bad as it sounds. Truthfully, I got into the many of the messes I did because I was not responsible enough for myself. I was trying to simply coast through life, leaving the worries and pressures to others or simply just running away. It was far from a mature way of living. Life in recovery is a choice. Well, it’s actually a multitude of choices. And those choices are about being sane and sober, about being a better parent/partner/son/etc., and ultimately about being a better human being. So it is my job to be happy. It’s my job to lead my heart and to choose to love. It’s my job to turn the other cheek and to forgive. It’s my job to work my program and to live and breathe the Steps. It’s my job to have a positive attitude and outlook. These are the things I have committed to in becoming a better me. These are a part of my resolution to share who I am, my experience, strength and hope, with the world.

Affirmation

If I don’t take the step to make a change, to be positive, to be happy, it’s not likely that someone else is going to take it for me. I have to be the one to take charge and make life be a good experience.

July 30

”When defeat comes, accept it as a sign that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your current goal.” Napoleon Hill

Relapse is not much fun. Falling off the path of recovery and back to my old ways is not pleasant. It is a painful reminder that I have a problem. It is a step back to the guilt and shame of the past. It is a reminder of the failure – to myself and those close to me. It breaks trust, removes hope and crushes dreams. It admitting once more that I screwed up and needing to find the strength and courage to pick myself back up and to carry on. Routine was my biggest enemy this time around. Routine that involved me feeling like I am normal, like I don’t need to constantly be working my program. But my relapse has shown me this is not the case. The only way for me to stay sober is to make my program my new routine. Straying from my outer circle and all the important things in my healthy recovery sets me up to fall back. The addiction is always in the wings waiting for a chance to get back in the game. So my resolve has to be redoubled. I need to do most of the good things for me each and every day. That means activities like sleeping and eating well, getting exercise, spending time in my program, checking in with my sponsor or a sponsee, reading recovery materials, writing, prayer and meditation, and time with friends or loved ones. Each element plays it’s part in keeping me healthy. I need to make a checklist to review each day as part of my Step 10 inventory and then reflect on how well I am planning for success. Otherwise I am moving towards being vulnerable for my poorer decisions and behaviours.

Affirmation

My program is not perfect, but as long as I am willing to keep trying, I will get it mostly right and stay on the right path.

500

Wow, hard to believe. It was quite the experience to get the proof copy of my book, to hold in my hands a bound, color-printed cover, of my own words. And now I have 500 meditations posted on my blog, perhaps the good beginnings of a second book? Honestly though, the work here is done mainly for myself. My writing is a key part of my program, an important piece of my inner circle behaviours that allows me a venue to get out the things that are bothering me, that I am experiencing, and a place to give a voice to my emotions. I am grateful for this gift from my Higher Power. For those of you who continue to follow my journey and read my humble thoughts, I hope that you find solace in the sharing of my experiences.

In Serenity,

Scott

February 12

”Habits are cobwebs at first; cables at last.” Chinese Proverb

How true this is! My addiction was not something that came in like a tidal wave, strong and overpowering, taking control in a single motion. It began as a small river, slowly eroding away at the bank, carving a slow, steady path into my life. Over the days, weeks and years that constant stream of water ran deeper, grew wider and stronger, and gained momentum. Recovery started in damage control, throwing sandbanks along the river’s edge to stop the water that was flooding parts of my life. Since then, it’s been about creating new pathways for the river to flow, ones that are healthy and maintained, and created with purpose, not left to run wildly along, uncontrolled and unmanaged. The damage from the river of my addiction is likely to stay. Even should the waters fully recede, the dry riverbed will remain, waiting to accept new water at any time. My task in recovery is to keep the waters diverted to their new routes, through the diligence of working my program.

Affirmation My addiction crept into my life slowly, and so too will my new program of recovery. With time and persistence, my actions will change for the better of myself and those around me.

January 11

”Yeah ain't it just amazing, how a God can tend a broken man. Yeah let him find a fortune and then ruin it with his own two hands.” Lyrics from Difference Maker by Needtobreathe

I recently watched the movie Thanks for Sharing, another film that challenges the subject of sex addiction. It`s challenged a number of areas of my life, not just for myself, but for some people close to me who also choose to watch the film. I am grateful for opportunities to discuss my recovery. On the other hand, I still get a sinking feeling in my gut when asked about my past behaviours – there still remain traces of my shame and guilt from my actions. The movie allowed me to see once again how much my life has changed since finding the program. I related well enough to the characters still stuck in active addiction. Yet at the same time it was a sobering reminder that my serenity and recovery is fragile and that my addiction is still lurking. Relapse can happen any time, and my program needs to be something I am continually working. It`s also brought to light how important some of my new relationships are, and how I cannot afford to take them or the people around me for granted. Still, I need to be selfish enough to put my recovery first, for with it none of the rest of the good things in my life will be possible. And to all my fellow brothers and sisters in recovery, thanks for listening, and thanks for sharing.

Affirmation Recovery is a daily activity that I need to continue to work at to maintain this new life of serenity and sobriety.

December 26

”All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” J. R. R. Tolkien

Some days I am really discouraged with myself, and with how little I am doing to take care of my needs. It happens on days when I go to get dressed and can’t find clothes that fit properly and I am reminded that I have not been exercising as much as I would like, or eating as healthy as I should. It happens on days that I pick up my pen to write and realize it’s been days or weeks since I last put an entry in my journal. It happens when I go to a meeting and have to look at the calendar to recall the last time I sat around the table with my brothers and sisters in recovery. Staying focused on my recovery takes effort. It’s a set of new habits, many of which still do not come naturally to me. I have to set reminders, and have others check up on me to ensure that I remember to follow my program. I need to establish a new routine that includes my new tools to help me progress in my recovery. The more I find excuses to put something off, the easier it is to forget and the harder it is to find the resolve to get back on track. Being sober gives me back the power to choose what to do with my time. However, I need to make the effort to plan my time accordingly, to put recovery work into my daily routine, or my old habits will work their way into squandering my time.

Affirmation Recovery has a lot do to with recreating myself, and that means putting new and healthy habits into my routine to reinforce my sobriety.

May 8

”If you can learn to laugh in spite of the circumstances that surround you, you will enrich others, enrich yourself, and more than that, you will last.” Barbara Johnson

Laughter is part of the healing process. Life is too short to take everything so seriously. I need to remind myself that I am allowed to enjoy the world around me. Laughter is also a way to diffuse my grandiose thinking and bring me back to reality. Sure, I can chose to keep it all in, bury all the emotions, good and bad, within me. And I can well imagine the person I would become over the years, hunched over, grouchy, alone, critical, moody, and simply not much fun to be around. It would be a way to endure, but I am not sure what the quality of life would be. Rather I want to lead a life where I can express my feelings, be in touch with nature, make connections and develop relationships. Working my program is part of a path of enriching my own life rather than depleting it. And in following he steps I am gaining a new capacity to share and thus enrich the lives of others. Laughter is just one of those aspects that is returning to its rightful place in my myriad of positive behaviours and actions.

Affirmation I can laugh, for a good reason or none at all. Laughter is medicine to help with my affliction as much as any other tool of recovery.

January 31

”A hard beginning makes a good ending.” John Heyward

My journey of recovery began in a dark, lonely, miserable place. I was crushed under the burden of the secrets I carried, completely disconnected to any sense of a Higher Power that could restore me to sanity, and utterly numb to my emotions. That was me then, at the end of my rope, with no hope for a brighter future. Somewhere in all that darkness a small spark of light managed to catch my eye. Looking back it took only a short time for that light to grow into a flame that now fuels the fire of my recovery. What a huge relief it was to discover my fellowship, a new home, a place where I belonged. How wonderful it felt to no longer feel like I was a freak, that I was a monster, or that I was alone. Even with the terrible past I carried, I quickly discovered there was hope for a new and better life. I am still not recovered today, but I can proudly declare that I am a grateful recovering sex addict. It no longer defines who I am but is a mark of my commitment to working my program and following the 12-Steps. I am living for today, and each day is a new beginning full of possibility, discovery and wonder. The world is now a bright, glorious place and I have found my place within it.

Affirmation My spirit can be battered and bruised, but given proper care it will return to its former glory and I will be a better person. Life is an adventure that is always worth living.

January 20

”A professional is someone who can do his best work when he doesn’t feel like it.” Alistair Cooke

I am trying to maintain this professional attitude in terms of my recovery. There are days when I just don’t feel like doing the work for my program, to pick up and read my daily meditation, to reach out to my sponsor, to go to a meeting, to journal, pray or meditate. I need to force myself to get into my routine, and usually the pressure of the simple fact that going back to me addictive patterns is no longer an option. The cost is not worth it, I have too much to lose now. Being in recovery is like having another job. I need to be responsible and do those things that would make me a good employee. And, realistically, the amount of time and effort that I need to expend is a whole lot less than I used to work in my addiction in planning, scheming, in front of my computer, or whatever. Maybe not as pleasurable but certainly more healthy. And I can always change my attitude about what is pleasurable so that my recovery becomes something to enjoy rather than something to dread. It is my new way of life.

Affirmation My recovery will have a bigger reward dependant on the amount of effort and how seriously I work at it.

January 10

”In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” Albert Camus

Life at the bottom of my addiction was cold, dark and empty. I was more like a zombie than I cared to admit, no heart, no spirit, no emotion, a puppet on strings just going through the motions. I cared for nothing, about nothing or anyone, including myself. I was in a hole and there was no light, no heat, no escape. Somehow my Higher Power saw fit to put something in front of me that caught my eyes – of all things a presentation on addictions. For whatever reason, there was a glimmer of hope that I could find a different way, but also, after a few decades of insanity, the beginnings of the realization that I was ill and had a problem. It is from those depths that I have risen, and continue to flourish as I grow in the program. It has happened in small, painstaking steps with the occasional leap of faith. In most respects it has been a steady journey forward, as I discover myself, let go of my past, shame and guilt, find my strengths and grow in spirit. I continue to learn through my experiences and those of others that as a human being we can suffer greatly yet still come out a survivor to wondrous things. I am grateful for my second lease on life.

Affirmation From the darkest place I can find my way back into the light with continued faith in my Higher Power.

January 1

”Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.” Jimmy Durante

As I step into a new year I am reminded of my successes and failures of the past year. I am thankful for having overcome the challenges of the past year and I feel that much more prepared to face all those that lie ahead. I am still cognizant that my foundation is not as solid as it could be and that my recovery is still fragile. I need to be continually aware of what I do and don’t do, what I say and how I think. My world can come crashing in if I stop putting First Things First. I owe it first to myself and second to everyone else around me to continue working my program of recovery and gaining knowledge through my 12 Step work. It is only through positive action that I will continue to change and grow, and keep following the will of my Higher Power. It is all the small things that have accumulated into my new habits and behaviours that will keep me moving in a better direction. Prayer and meditation, reaching out, attending meetings, writing, reading literature – all these tools and more will help me deal with the pressures of living. I will continue to give thanks, forgive myself and others, and remain in service. Every small act will propel me further into this grand new frontier that is recovery.

Affirmation Recovery requires persistence and diligence. It is a daily act of prevention and maintenance, not first aid for when I have fallen too far off the path.

December 30

”The hills are full of marble before the world blooms with statues.” Phillips Brooks

I am coming to realize in my recovery that my Higher Power gave me all the tools I needed to succeed in this life at birth. I came with all the essential parts; it is just that I forget where to look for the instruction on how to use it well. Regaining my spiritual connection through working my program, going to church and reading the Bible are all pieces for me that are refreshing the guiding principles of how I am supposed to live my life. In particular the 12 Steps have been the path back to the God of my understanding and the gradual acceptance of His will over mine. Living by surrendering and by giving service are two of the major changes I am work through in my recovery at present, and they also have equally great rewards. I am at the same time being selfish in my recovery but selfless in society as I am share what I have for others – my time, energy and talents. In the end, I am allowing my Higher Power to chip away at all the bits of marble that are not in His image of me. By seeking to give up my character defects, opening myself humbly in making amends, and serving others I am being shaped in to the person I was meant to be.

Affirmation Today, help me be a vessel of your peace. Let my words, thoughts and deeds reflect your wisdom and grace.

November 29 (65)

”There are thoughts which are prayers. There are moments when, whatever the posture of the body, the soul is on its knees.” Victor Hugo

Prayer and meditation are an important part of my program of recovery. While they are not something overly structured, I do notice how easily I can start to feel poorly, less grounded, when I am not practicing my regular talks with my Higher Power or taking those moments to pause, reflect, and just be. In many ways I am glad that I don’t have such rigid constraints as it gives me the freedom to use these tools whenever, while driving to work, when I need to take a quick break at the office, before I go to bed or first thing when I wake in the morning. Five minutes when I need to remind myself of that bond between me and a power greater always seems to put things into perspective.  I am small but important. What I do matters. Who I am and how I act affects not only me but those around me. I am a good person. I am loved because I deserve love. I am changing and growing. These and other reminders help to provide a little boost so I can continue through my day. The God of my understanding is always there, always listening. It’s up to me to take the time to ask for guidance and to listen for the answer in my prayer and meditation. I have a part to play to make the relationship work.

Affirmation I need to take the time to slow down and spend time on communication with my Higher Power. Like any relationship, I need to work at it to keep it healthy and strong.

November 10 (84)

”The three great essentials to achieving anything worthwhile are; first, hard-work, second stick-to-it-iveness, and third, common sense.” Thomas A. Edison

My recovery is a gift, but only continues to be one so long as I work at it. It’s not something that will simply be handed to me on a silver platter because I ask for it. It will take dedication, hard work, and blood, sweat and tears to continue to have recovery. Like most things in life that are truly worth something, my sobriety works only when I work it. And it’s similar to any good relationship in that it takes a degree of constant attention to be kept in a good place. If I neglect it things will deteriorate, if I keep at it then things will stay more or less the same, and when I put a lot of focus on it things tend to improve. The great thing that I enjoy about the program as I know it is that nothing in it is complicated. The Steps are based on the simple and practical. Although they can seem daunting and unachievable at first, in working through them one at a time, in order, I think one finds they build upon one another, to support you in tackling the more challenging tasks. There is a fair bit of good common sense in this approach and lots of room for interpretation of how to implement the Steps in one’s own way.

Affirmation Recovery is not just something external to me, but a part of my new life. It needs to be that way to keep me sober.

September 8

”We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” Miyazawa Kenji

Moving on with my life and pushing forward through the trials of separation and divorce has been far from easy. Breaking the bonds with someone who was such a large part of my life for many years is far from evident. Physical separation was probably the easiest part, the psychological and emotional separation is much more challenging, energy draining and depressing. It has been important, more than ever, to force myself to stick to my routine of recovery during this period. My meetings, my fellowship, my sponsor, and my SAA literature are powerful resources to help keep me grounded in the present and provide windows of sanity in the emotional turmoil. I have spent many hours looking back, wondering if I could have saved my marriage, if I did enough when I understood better how much damage I had caused. It is all part of letting go, wrestling with the ghosts of what could have been. My support network helps me to see the steps I have taken to improve my life and reminds me of where I am today. The grief and pain of the past will pass in time and I am discovering that it is fuel to make me want to be better for now and the future.

Affirmation Grief, hurt and pain are part of my life too. They are not fun to endure but can provide valuable lessons that I will come to treasure.

May 8

”Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.” Henry Vandyke

I am often overwhelmed by the number of resources and tools that are available to me in recovery. It can be daunting wondering trying to determine which are the best, which will work the fastest, require the least effort or will produce the most desired result. One thing that I used to overlook are those that match my own abilities and potential. Just like my talents help me in my day-to-day life, so too will they help in finding the tools that fit best into my recovery. The 12 Steps are general and remain that way as they are open, not so much to interpretation as they are designed to give freedom in how we individually incorporate them into our lives. Our strengths help us normally and it would be foolish to ignore them when working our program. The other side is not to be overly concerned that the path we choose or the tools we use are not the same as those used by others in our fellowship. Whatever works for us is fine, we are unique and have the right to do things differently. What we share and offer may be useful to someone else who has been struggling to find a tool that matches their own personality. This is one of the greatest strengths our program has to offer.

Affirmation My recovery is my own and by corollary so are the tools that will work best. I can be confident that as long as I am working my program I will continue to make progress.