November 21

”It costs nothing to dream, but everything if you don't.” Rita Davenport

Some days my skies are gray, colours muted, food bland, and life is dull. There feels like there is little to be thankful for or grateful about, that life is simply continuing but really not improving. It can be hard in these moments to find my blessings, to find reasons to be happy about my circumstances. Usually these are the days when I am facing some challenge of my past or my recovery from it. And usually they are not when I am dreaming of a better future. Let’s face the facts, recovery is not glorious. My past behaviours and idolization of my addiction have led me down some dark paths and have caused some serious damage. I have some serious atonement and amends to make to start repairing what I have broken, to start allowing myself and others to heal from the life I used to live. Some days it just isn’t fun being in recovery. I need to remind myself that being recovery is good, that it is the right thing. The alternative, going back to my old ways, isn’t a viable option. That I can be melancholy and suffer through today is a gift, if only in the sense that it means today I am not actively supporting my addiction. Sometimes that has to be enough to keep me moving forward in my program. And maybe I can find the energy to dream of when things will be brighter.

Affirmation Some days are tough, and much of my recovery is going to take hard work to make it through. But the end goal is worth the struggle and I commit to persevering to the finish line.

September 16

”Some cause happiness wherever then go; others, whenever they go.” Oscar Wilde

In general life is good, but I still have days when I don’t feel particularly cheery. It is still difficult to allow myself to feel a little down in the dumps, depressed or sad. Yet I need to understand and remind myself that it is normal to have these unpleasant feelings…and that I need to experience them. The trick is not to hide from or ignore my emotions, but to live through them and wherever possible, figure out what is causing them. I have a tendency to want to cheer up too fast, and will look for a quick fix to get back to being “normal.” In reality my new normal is about accepting where I am and learning to focus on the present. Nothing is really good or bad, it just is. Life is not a flat line, but filled with peaks and valleys, as is my emotional state. Happiness is something advertised as the humor we should have all the time. How unrealistic, to expect that we should be “on” all the time, content with the world and everything around us each and every moment. We are complex creatures with a range of emotions for a reason. I may not want to celebrate feeling down, but it is a sobering reminder that I am human, after all.

Affirmation I will continue to be present and that means accepting my feelings as they come and go, even those that are less pleasant.