August 20

”Just take this as a warning. Know that there's always a price for not being yourself.” Benilde Little

Having had some exposure to the 12 Steps before ever setting foot inside an SAA meeting, I recall being a bit concerned about how sobriety would be defined. Would it mean complete abstinence from all forms of sexual activity? Were there grace periods or certain behaviours that were deemed normal? I really had no clue. Therefore I was certainly relieved to discover that each and every member was given the opportunity to define their own abstinence, but that the program provided guidelines to help determine it. Personally, I have adopted the idea of the inner, middle and outer circles as I find it works well for defining my program of recovery. With the aid of one of my sponsors, we created an abstinence contract which defined the behaviours or activities in each circle, along with a reason as to why they had been put there. It’s a tool that helps remind me of the damage that middle and inner circle items can create, and the support and nurturing that comes from those things in my outer circle. I do remember a period where my middle circle felt less like a warning bell, and more like the list of things that I could do because “they weren’t that bad.” I soon discovered the falsity of that belief, as indulging in my middle circle quickly led me to the edge of my inner circle. Today I am more aware that finding myself in my middle circle is the alarm bell that I have strayed from the path and I am walking along the edge of a cliff. It’s not a place for me to dabble, but when I need to re-double my efforts in working my program. The edge is often closer than I think.

Affirmation

Honesty is the key step to being myself. My middle circle is a dangerous place to play and I will take any sign that I am in it seriously and seek help to move back to my outer circle.

April 10

”Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.” Henry David Thoreau

Success and recognition used to be something I wanted desperately. I needed that validation from others that what I did matter, that I had value and purpose. My importance had to come from elsewhere. Today, that attitude has changed. In growing through the 12 Steps I am learning that my value comes from within. My success is measured by me, by the goals I set, the challenges I overcome, the milestones that I surpass. In creating my circles and writing a sobriety contract with my sponsor, I have redefined my vision of success. Continuing to work my program and focusing on the multitude of tasks in my outer circle make me a success as a human being and a member of society. Recovery keeps me busy. Once I made the commitment to work hard at staying sober, I jumped at many opportunities which came my way. I regularly attend meetings, I have a few sponsees, I participate in committees and I continue to read recovery material, work the steps, and of course write my meditations. My biggest success each day is being able to go to sleep, serene and sober.

Affirmation

Working the steps will help me put life into a better perspective and allow me to redefine things like success and achievement.

March 26

”People are strange when you're a stranger Faces look ugly when you're alone Women seem wicked when you're unwanted Streets are uneven when you're down” The Doors

The word “isolation” in French translates to “insulation” in English. I’ve had some fresh reminders of what I am like when I isolate, and I see a resemblance to the insulation that is provided by my addiction. Insulation does two things, it keeps things in on one side, and out on the other. The insulation of my addiction keeps my feelings inside myself, not able to be released, and it keeps others from me by steering me to isolate and keep to myself. There are still many old habits that can innocently sneak up on me to send me back down the path of my middle and inner circles. Simply having a few more drinks than normal, watching too much TV, resisting going to sleep at a good hour, or other such activities can weaken resolve. Often for me, these are coupled by a lack of good outer circle behaviours like getting to a meeting, reaching out, journaling, prayer and meditation. This combination of less desirable actions with less attention to working my program can easily lead to a slippery slope. I’m recognizing that this sets my up to a state where I do feel like I am insulated, where a barrier is up in front of my emotional centre and where I am less enthusiastic about staying connected to others. This needs to be a warning to me that I am not in a good space. The insulation has a cost, and I no longer need or deserve to fulfill the desires of my addiction, I am worth more than that.

Affirmation When life gets a little too comfortable, when I don’t feel like making a true effort, I need to stop and evaluate where I am and make sure I am safe.

March 1

”Ego has a voracious appetite, the more you feed it, the hungrier it gets.” Nathaniel Bronner Jr.

Hmm, I can relate a little to appetite, my addiction certainly has one. And it was an appetite that tended to have no end, a bottomless pit that was never satisfied. And based on the number of years I was in it, I would certainly agree that it got hungrier and hungrier over time. What I needed to consume to satisfy the craving had to get bigger, riskier, or simply more. My recovery had to look at ways to starve my addiction, to take away all the food and attention I was giving to it. Some of that work was fairly easy, but it only took me so far in helping to push away my cravings. Eventually I realized that my addiction was covering up a deeper need. And that need was my spirituality that had been covered, ignore, and displaced for too many years. The best way for me to defeat my addiction was to find the ways to nourish my soul. This is where focusing on my outer circle became crucial. Making new habits, focusing on all the healthy ways to take care of myself is what worked to diminish my dependence on my addiction.

Affirmation The choices I make can feed my recovery, or feed my addiction. I will pray for the guidance of the God of my understanding to make the right decisions.

September 29

”To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.” Clara Ortega

My father has always tried to impress the importance of family on me and my sister. I remember from an early age his advice to keep my relationship healthy and vibrant with her, as at some point she will be the only family I have left. I didn’t think much about it as a child, the idea that my parents would one day be gone from my life was not something I could understand. As I grew older, and began a family of my own, the words of my father began to make more sense and take hold in my life. Yet, in the midst of my illness, my family too suffered as I isolated myself from them, their love, care and guidance, just like I din from everyone else who mattered. Thankfully some bridges can be repaired, and my relationship with my family is much strong in my recovery than it has been in quite some time. A blessing, and sometimes a curse, as no one else understands me quite the same way they do. Family is a critical part of my outer circle, a place where I need to make amends for the past, but also a place of support and caring. It is the foundation of my world, the birthplace of my morals and values, and an integral part of my emotional maturity. Indeed, there is no place like home.

Affirmation There are certain people in my life who are important to my recovery. I will make time for them today to connect and maintain the relationship to support my growth.

September 20

”Happy is he who dares courageously to defend what he loves.” Ovid

My recovery is precious. Because right now it is helping me regain my connection to my Higher Power, it is probably one of the most valuable things in my life and I need to protect it. I have heard people say that working their program is like putting money in the bank, that it is self-guarding some protection for when they need to withdraw it to help combat their triggers and addictive tendencies. I see working my program more like sand I add to an hour glass that has no top or bottom. Picking up my tools and using them helps to keep my addiction at bay, but if I am not consistent and continuously working my recovery that reserve of sand will eventually fall all the way through. It takes daily doses of courage to make being in recovery a priority. It is too easy to fall back into my old routine, to put off my sponsor, prayer, meetings or some other tool when life is going well. Life is good because I am still active in my outer activities, in connecting with others, in reading my recovery literature and meditating. Why on earth would I want to stop these things and jeopardize the sanity and serenity I have found? Now that is just a little crazy thinking on my part!

Affirmation I will choose to defend my sobriety and that means continuing to work my program – life is good today because I am doing the right things.

June 10

”Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” Albert Einstein

Some say you should count your blessings. For myself, I think recognizing them and giving thanks is terrific, but I don’t feel the need to count them. The same holds true to a degree for my progress in recovery. I am not obsessed with keeping track of how many days of sobriety I have accumulated, what milestones I have reached, or on the other side, how many times I have slipped. What is most important is for me to be in recovery today. That is all that is within my power and it is certainly enough for me to focus on. Life in recovery has been about rediscovering all the small things that I have neglected in my periods of acting out. Being present to hear how someone’s day went, to lend a helping hand around the house, to spend time with a friend are good things that occupy my time. It is the multitude of outer circle behaviours that I need to use to start filling the hole left by my addiction. Still, my biggest aid is my returning spiritual belief in my Higher Power. My restored faith helps to deal with the void I have experienced and I believe it is the only power with the ability to restore my sanity.

Affirmation I will practice my outer circle behaviours today and be grateful for all the small wonders and kindnesses I experience.

May 24

”Conscience is the root of all courage; if a man would be brave let him obey his conscience.” James Freeman Clarke

In my active addiction I affectively blocked out that small inner voice of my conscience. What? Who are you? Go away! As I progress in my recovery, I have become increasingly aware that the voice is returning.  I am listening to it on a more regular basis and even following its advice. My Higher Power exists in all people; therefore there must be a presence that emanates from within me. I call at least part of the power greater than myself my conscience. Just as I need to be open to my Higher Power working through others, I have to pay attention to my own internal dialogue and “gut instinct.” I am gaining the ability to pause when something within me just doesn’t feel right and re-evaluate the situation. Courage to continue doing the right thing, to keep turning away from my middle and inner circle behaviours is something that I need to pray for regularly. Listening for the guiding voice, taking the time to meditate and reflect to listen for the answers to my prayers is useful in maintaining my openness to the will of my Higher Power.

Affirmation I will acknowledge my inner voice today and consider how I feel before taking actions.

March 24

”Nothing hath separated us from God but our own will, or rather our own will is our separation from God.” William Lau

In looking at our past, at our compulsive behaviours and how it controlled our lives, we usually discover that we have put effort into a power greater than ourselves – our addiction. In doing so, we’ve likely stopped most of the activities that help us stay connected to our Higher Power, be it God, Mother Nature, the Universe…most of our energy has gone into feeding our addiction. Not only have we lost our connection to our spiritual centre, we have likely lost many of our favourite activities and friends due to the all-consuming nature of our addictive behaviour. This is why finding things to put into our outer circle is so important; we need to find ways to re-establish a healthy and complete life. Working the 12 Steps will help us to release the old ways of living and free us to restart doing the things that gives us our connection to our Higher Power. We can make the conscious decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a power greater than ourselves and trust that this will lead us back to sanity.

Affirmation I will give today over to my Higher Power and let His will guide my actions.

March 1

”Man is only now more active – not more happy – nor more wise, than he was 6000 years ago.” Edgar Allan Poe

I’ve heard it said that some people confuse movement for progress. I know I’ve experienced it in my own life, and even in my own recovery. Some days my best coping mechanism is to simply keep busy. While this technique may work for the short-term, it tends to fail over the long-term. I am learning that it’s not as important to keep busy as it is to continue doing the appropriate things for my recovery. Spending hours in front of the TV or surfing the internet (safely) do not contribute much to my emotional and spiritual health. They’re simply distractions. Attending meetings (in person, on the phone or on-line), calling my sponsor or a brother or sister in the program, reading recovery-related material, exercise, prayer, meditation or any of the many other activities that now reside in my outer circle are much more productive ways to spend my time. It’s critical that I focus on these new tools rather than time wasters that eventually lead back to my old habits and behavioural patterns.

Affirmation Today I make a conscience choice to practice my outer circle behaviours to reinforce my commitment to recovery.