September 18

”Great tranquility of heart is his who cares for neither praise nor blame.” Thomas Kempis

When I think of serenity, the picture that comes to mind is that of looking at a lake, just as the sun rises, on a windless day, where the water glows like a sheet of glass in the warm golden glow of the sun. Nothing disturbs its surface; it is perfectly still and balanced. It is this state of calmness I seek in my meditation, to be at rest, to be a center of tranquility in the midst of the perturbations of the world around me. To be at peace with myself, to have my thoughts, actions and emotions in harmony and balance. It is the moments of recognizing all that is happening around me, but being aware that I have to do nothing more than notice, no further action on my part is required. This practice has helped me enormously deal with my cravings and the pull of my addiction. It has taught me to be aware of my triggers, to recognize them and to be able to say to my addict “Oh, that’s nice, but I am not interested” and let the thought pass right on by, and then continue on with whatever it was I was doing.

Affirmation I am amazed by the freedom I have gained by increasing my self-awareness. Finding my peace within has enabled me to keep the chaos of addiction away.

August 25

”Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm.” Anonymous

My life is a rollercoaster. Your life is a rollercoaster. Maybe life is a rollercoaster. Sometimes it’s slow and boring. Sometimes it’s wild and crazy. Sometimes you think it’s going one direction and it goes in the completely opposite one. Sometimes it’s totally out of control. And even sometimes, it crashes and burns. The thing is, once I get on the rollercoaster, get strapped in, there is not much left within my control, except how I want to react. I can get scared and choose to stare at my feet for the entire ride. I can get excited, whoop and holler, throw my hands in the air, and enjoy the twists and turns and drops. I can hold on for dear life, hoping nothing goes wrong, worrying about every little piece of the puzzle even if there is nothing I can really change or prevent. The thing is this, no matter how I choose to react to how life unfolds around me, I do have the power to be serene no matter what is going on. The peace I need, the peace I have found in recovery, comes from within, and therefore is always available. All I need to do is to remember it is there and reach for it, because, like my Higher Power, it is a part of me.

Affirmation In the midst of chaos lies the eye of the storm, a place of calm and tranquility. I can find this centre of serenity that comes from within and weather whatever life puts before me.

January 16

”A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.” Charles Gordy

There are moments where I have to simply stop and smile at the craziness I find myself in. It is actually a relief to recognize when I am overwhelmed as it is a reminder that I am not simply ignoring what is happening around me, but that I am present and ready to face the challenge. It is wonderful to no longer be running on auto-pilot as I did in the past, but to be actively participating in the world around me. Taking those moments to pause when I feel like my head is under water are important to ground myself, mentally recite a Serenity Prayer or two, and start to focus on what parts of the situation I can control. Letting go of taking responsibilities for the actions and feelings of others allows me to concentrate better on my own. I am getting better at finding the positive in my adversities, even if it is only the fact that I am aware of how I am feeling, or recognizing that I am acting in a way contrary to my former behaviours. That in of itself is a reason to grin ear-to-ear.

Affirmation I will find good in situations that may at first appear only bad, as I learn to let go and work on those things that I am capable of changing.

November 25 (69)

”Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is.” Thomas Szasz

My addict was easily bored. Anything that was not overtly sexual, or that did not lead in that direction was boring, therefore irrelevant and a waste of time. No wonder I felt so preoccupied with sex, in all places, at all times, and most of those where it was totally inappropriate! I guess, realizing how pervasive that thinking was, it is a miracle that I didn’t cross more boundaries than I did. Serenity for me today is not just simply acknowledging that nothing is a waste of time. It is about being aware and appreciating everything that happens around me. To be able to have lost that one-track thinking, to have the liberty to explore and connect with the rest of the world that envelopes everything I do and all that I am is a small miracle. My addiction had me tuned to the same TV channel while there are thousands of others with millions of subjects waiting for me to investigate and enjoy. Still the transition from boredom and loneliness to serenity and solitude has not been without difficulty.  I have had to do a lot of reflection and self-forgiveness to be comfortable being alone in my own skin. It is a new skill that I am putting into to practice, with heavy reliance on my Higher Power and the program.

Affirmation I will find serenity and solitude. They will become a regular part of my day and healthy way of living.

November 12 (82)

” Find a place or an activity that gives your senses a chance to unwind and lets you catch a fresh vision of peacetime possibilities. Furnish it comfortably. Make it beautiful. Use it often.” Thomas Kinkade

I am thankful that restoring my connection to natures has been one of the benefits of recovery. In my isolation I not only lost touch with the people in my life, but also the simple joys and wonders of nature. Being able to once again bask in the warm glow of the sun, to rejoice in the delights of the song birds and bathe in the light of the moon on a starry night – all these and more are pleasures that once again enhance and enrich my daily life. It is important for me to find those places and activities that refuel my soul. A special corner of the park where I ground myself, a specific passage from a book or piece of music that sets my heart at ease – these are tools to help renew my serenity and sanity. Sometimes I need to force myself to go there and unwind to get away from it all for a while. Being able to find ways to recharge my batteries on my own is important. It is equally important for me to continue to reach out and connect with other members at meetings, over coffee or even over the phone. The greater my peace within, the closer my connection to my Higher Power.

Affirmation Finding my ways to relax, reset, and refresh my energy are important in maintaining my sanity and serenity.

August 5

”When a man finds no peace within himself it is impossible to find it elsewhere.” La Rochefoucauld

Many in the program refer to a “hole in the soul”, a void or some other description of the part of their being that their addiction, in temporary measure, has helped them to cope with during their lives. For me I have come to recognize it as my spiritual centre, where my addiction was effecting in severing the ties to my Higher Power while replacing Him with false idols. I know I have tried many ways to complete this missing piece of my wholeness, all pulled from external sources, to try and feel complete. Today as I am reconnecting to the God of my understanding, I am realizing more that the hole was not so much an emptiness as a denial of the parts of me that allowed my belief, faith and trust in my Higher Power. I am uncovering talents, abilities and values that my addiction covered up to keep me under its control. The power of serenity comes first from within. Now that I am living in sobriety, working my program, and my thoughts, deeds and actions are better aligned, peace and harmony are radiating from an internal source of power. I need not rely on external sources to fulfill all my needs; God has let His light shine in me.

Affirmation I am a vessel for my Higher Power and when I let Him work through me, I can find peace, serenity and love.

July 30

”Deep down, real comforts are more important than temporary comfort.” Joni EarecksonTade

I am learning the true meaning of discomfort in my recovery. I have become aware of how my addiction relished any degree of discomfort and was able to turn it into fuel that fed my fantasies and desire to act out. It still takes me by surprise how the small disappointments, the times when things don’t go my way, how these moments can so easily disrupt my serenity and start me on the spiral of darker thinking. Real comfort and real happiness are not something I can buy, that I can find browsing on the internet, between the covers of a magazine or on a channel on TV. These are the things that need to come from within. Connecting once again to my feelings and finding the power of surrendering to my Higher Power are paths to being truly happy. Living a life that is based on honesty, faithfulness and integrity gives me peace and serenity. Knowing that I no longer maintain a secret life, that I have found a place to share my dark thoughts, my pain, guilt and shame, has given me a new sense of freedom and belonging. These are all purer things that I feel will endure. I desire less and less the temporary measure to make me feel alive and have instead begun to live and enjoy each and every moment.

Affirmation I can find a deeper, truer happiness that comes from within me. There is nothing or no one external that can give this to me.

April 30

”Where the soul is full of peace and joy, outward surroundings and circumstances are of comparatively little account.” Hannah Whitall Smith

An important realization that I have had while working Steps Two and Three is that in turning my life over to my Higher Power, I also need to be open to how that power greater than myself will work through others around me. This is really why both prayer and meditation are important. Asking for help and guidance is only half the solution, the other half is being open and listening for the answer. When I live and breathe from a serene state, when I turn over those things I cannot control to my Higher Power, it is amazing how much easier it is to deal with day-to-day life. Having that inner peace is something that I strove to find in my addiction and acting out, yet all it brought me was chaos and turmoil. This new way of living is much more pleasant and rewarding, without as many negative side effects. Life is still challenging. I still face difficult choices, conflict, controversy and change. Yet I am becoming better equipped to handle life as it happens, rather than avoiding, isolating or delaying what has transpired. I am far from perfect, but each step of progress is encouraging and gives credence to the idea that working my program will restore my sanity.

Affirmation Today I will be open to the way that my Higher Power works through those around me.

April 12

”The brook would lose its song if we removed the rocks.” Anonymous

I used to think that removing my faults, getting rid of old bad feelings and hurt would upset the balance of who I am. I am learning today that this is not the case; in accepting my past I am not condoning the bad things that I have experienced. Rather I am transferring the negative feelings back to the person they belong to, and allowing my Higher Power to deal with the situation and consequences rather than giving away control over myself. The song in the brook is never constant. The flow of water is faster in the spring and dwindles during the heat of summer. Many external influences outside its control will change the shape and the texture of the music. Yet all things are simply accepted and the brook maintains a harmony that can still be enjoyed and cherished. So to with myself, I need to accept these things I cannot change. Yet doing so does not diminish my ability to maintain harmony and serenity.

Affirmation Today I can let go of the past, accept things for the way they are and still rejoice in the strength of my song.

February 28

”Until you are at peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have.” Denis Mortman

I am the one and only me. Only I can truly understand myself. To thine own self be true. Statements like these can be really frustrating in our early recovery. For myself I know I had serious doubts about who I truly was. What aspects of my Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality came from the core of my being and which of them stemmed from my addictive behaviours. I came to a realization after much internal debate. Who I had been in the past and what I had done had no bearing on who I was going to become in recovery. This basically gave me the freedom to say that starting from today; I will be what I want. Here is a blank piece of paper, now draw a picture, write out the words, whatever, to determine who I am. I have the liberty to decide what things I want to keep and those I want to throw away. My ability to be at peace with myself is improving. If there is some part of me that I am not happy with, I have the power to stop it, change it, or give it to my Higher Power.

Affirmation I am the person I want to be and I can decide what aspects of my past I bring forward with me today.