May 16

”There's nothing like rejection to make you do an inventory of yourself.” James Lee Burke

Rejection – one of my biggest fears, one of my best known triggers. But I think I finally figured something out. Most of the rejection I have experienced has been from actions that weren’t even targeting me. That might seem a little confusing, so I guess I need to explain. I used to think that rejection meant that someone was wilfully pushing me aside, that I was less than, didn’t measure up, or had some other deficiency. In essence, that some part of me was the problem (or all of me as the case may be.) I am starting to see that is not the case at all. I think many times when I have felt rejected, I may not have been someone’s top priority, that they had something more important on the go that meant my needs (or wants) couldn’t be met by them. That’s it. Simply put, there are times when I think I should be everyone’s number 1 priority (a false expectation which cannot always be true) and then I am hurt when someone else does not treat me that way (other people have their own priorities, pretty normal if I think about it.) So what does this mean to me now? Hmm, well giving it some additional brain power, I see that I need to be open to seeing where other people are coming from when I feel rejected. What is it that is important to them at the time I feel this way? And for my own part, how is it I am feeling, what are my needs that I want to be met that seem to be at a shortfall? Looking at things this way, I can see rejection in a new light and with new understanding.

Affirmation

I may be amazed at the insight that comes my way when I stop to look inside myself, examine my feelings, my needs and desires. It is a worthwhile exercise to know myself better.

November 12

”Faith in small things has repercussions that ripple all the way out. In a huge dark room a little match can light up the place.” Joni Eareckson Tada

Delving into my past continues to bring to light things that shaped my life, and that pushed me to the paths that I took. One of those broad subjects is fear. I am only starting to explore this in more detail, but I have already gained a sense that this was a bigger part of my growing up than I ever imagined. One simple exercise of investigating some of the major events of my life at various ages has started to bring some things to light. One recurring pattern is a fear of rejection which has shown up in events from school, work and with friends over the years. Another is a fear of abandonment, from episodes in my family and choices that I have made throughout the past. Over time, some of this fear became irrational, and held more power in my life than was warranted. It was one of the tools used by my addiction to keep the cycle going. A new concept for me is to see fear as a friend. In truth, a healthy fear could hold this place, as it serves as a warning that there is danger ahead. When the threat is real, then fear is a perfectly reasonable emotion. My challenge is to stop manufacturing fears, or making them seem worse or larger than they are to cause stress which then needs to be dealt with.

Affirmation I will work at accepting my fears, tempered by the reality of the situation that they occur in. May my Higher Power grant me the wisdom to separate these accordingly today.

May 9

”I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do.” Helen Keller

I cannot be everything to everyone and still be faithful to myself and my program of recovery. There are certain roles in my life that I cannot fulfill as much as I want. This can be due to the places where I have damaged relationships or where I am simply not wanted or needed. It can be hard to face rejection…for me it is difficult. Yet being turned away does not mean that there are no other places where I am wanted and needed. When faced with rejection I need to be able to focus my energy and efforts where I know I can have an impact. The Serenity Prayer is so simple in words yet so encompassing in terms of all we encounter in daily life. I find new meaning and new places where it applies nearly every day. It is one of the greatest guiding principles that I use to stay on track during my journey of recovery. God, grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference – I surrender those things I cannot change, pray for the strength to change what I can (mostly myself), and ask for the guidance to know which is which. Whenever one door closes, help me find the others that, by your grace, remain open.

Affirmation I will look at rejection today as a way to refocus where my efforts are better placed. I am still worthwhile and have a lot to give.