April 1

"Honest people don't hide their deeds.” Emily Bronte

In discovering that I had an addiction, I turned to honesty as one of the improvements that I needed to make. Not only has this affected my self-awareness when I slip into deceit, but it has attuned my radar to see dishonesty in others. This can be a blessing and a curse. The problem here is how I choose to react, if I react at all, when I notice someone else who is not being fully transparent.    That's quite a dilemma. I need to take a step back and remember the times that I was confronted with my own lies. How did that feel? There were certainly approaches that did not encourage me to disclose and be honest about what secrets I had been keeping. Other moments were more gentle, trusting, and where I felt that the person calling my bluff genuinely wanted to help, rather than accuse and shame me for my actions.     I am still a human being, and I still avoid being completely truthful from time to time. Yet I see the value in being more honest. It might be more difficult in the moment, but it is healthier and more conducive to keeping my relationships healthy with others. My goal is to be an open book, to be transparent, to no longer be secretive and deceitful.

Affirmation

Honesty, in myself and others, may be a challenge today, but I will approach it with kindness and courage.

February 10

”And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:32

I spent many years hiding from the truth. I was too afraid to be honest, to be rejected, refused or abandoned for what I thought or how I felt. I lied, or told half-truths, or simply neglected to share things that I should have to stay authentic with myself and others. Years of living like that took its toll, and I became a prisoner to the layers of deceit that I’d built over the years. It’s taken many years to come to a point of living a more genuine and honest existence. I finally got tired of the burden of carrying all the deception with me. It is as though a great weight was lifted from my shoulders, my heart and my soul in becoming truthful. It’s a transformation that needed to start with myself as I had been dishonest with the most important person in my life – me – for a long time. The truth is not always easy. Doing the right thing is often very difficult. But once done, it’s done. There is no web of lies to remember or maintain, no recalling of what version of the truth was told to whom, who is implicated or not, or any of the hundreds of details used to make the mistruths believable. The truth demands none of that, it is simply what it is and I can always recall what it was. Honesty certainly keeps me liberated and open to participating more fully in life.

Affirmation Honesty, starting with being truthful with myself, is a key to turning over a new page in my life and committing to being in recovery.

June 16

”Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment.” Proverbs 12:19

This quote is interesting, but I can relate to it better if I think in an opposing sense. Telling the truth takes but a single time, but telling a lie often starts in motion a story that must be continued without end, compounding lie upon lie to maintain the original. So indeed, truthful lips endure forever, because what is said is believed and is accepted. The lying tongue however has its work cut out for it, as many more lies will need to be fabricated to continue keeping the truth hidden. Honesty is more than just telling the truth, it is also taking ownership of my deeds and confessing when I could easily omit letting others know what happened. The thing is, there are always at least 2 people who know anything that happens in my life, me and my Higher Power. So I really can’t say that no one else knows what has happened – the God of my understanding was right there with me.  Secrecy has been the cornerstone of my addictive behaviour. Opening the shutters and letting the light of the truth pierce the darkness has lifted the veil of lies I hid behind for all those years. I no longer need to exercise my lying tongue, I am content to tell the truth and give my mouth some rest.

Affirmation My shadow need not rule my life. Instead I can look towards the light instead of focusing on the deception that lies behind me.

January 8

”If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.” Mark Twain

Sometimes the quotes I choose feel more like they have been chosen for me. This one in particular made me laugh as I reflected on the irony of my past behaviours. It made me recall a period of my acting out days where I almost, but not quite, had to resort to making a set of cheat notes to keep track of the details of several people I was communicating with on-line. This was of course, after a couple of times where I had confused details from one person with those of another. Not only did I need to have a primary acting out partner, but had a couple back-ups on the go, you know, just in case. Oh the insanity! In all honesty, and no pun intended, being truthful is a lot less work. I don’t have to remember what story or excuse I used with whom, continue to invent more lies to keep the originals intact, until I was no longer able to see anything through the web of deceit. It might be more difficult, and often is right at the moment to be up front with myself and others, but in the long run it is always the better option. The time and energy I had to spend to maintain those falsehoods is much better spent in getting to know myself, reconnecting to my Higher Power and working my program. It is amazing how many more hours in the day I have now that I am in recovery.

Affirmation I can see that honesty really is the best policy and will allow me to continue to live in the moment.

October 21

"The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousandfold.” Aristotle

I think this is one of the first quotes that really hit me in the face as I began my recovery. Coming to admit that I had an addiction, to acknowledge probably for the first time the dual life I had been living was certainly difficult. I spent many weeks questioning everything about me and my past, trying to separate the lies from the truth. I know I practiced a lot of deception through my years of acting out. I think I was hard pressed to think of someone whom I hadn’t lied to along the way. It became part of my addict, seeking ways to disguise the truth to keep access to my compulsive and destructive behaviours. Through the program I have regained my capacity for honesty. Finding a group of sympathetic people where I was free, even welcome and encouraged, to share my deepest and darkest secrets and fears, has gradually allowed me to regain my faith in open and honest communication. I have shared so many things with people, complete strangers, which I thought I would never tell another soul. At a more basic level, I am truthful with myself and how I am feeling and this shows in my deeds as well.

Affirmation Honesty is truly the best policy and it’s only through the truth, through the revelation of my secrets, that I will be set free.