February 4

”The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi

Steps 8 and 9 for me are the ones where “I put my money where my mouth is.” Up to this point, the steps have been focused on learning about and coming to accept who I truly am, the good, the bad, and the ugly. In making my list of those who I have harmed, becoming willing to make amends, and making those amends wherever possible, my recover moves beyond being a personal thing. These are the steps of taking responsibility for my past actions and behaviours with those around me. My list was a long one. It was a daunting process just to note all those who I had hurt along the way as I lived my dual life. It was even more frightening to think that I would have to confront all those people to seek amends for the way I had treated them. Anyone who has been through this process can surely attest that it is not something for the weak of heart. It took a great deal of courage to admit that I had a problem to myself…admitting that to someone else in my fifth step was a bit harder, doing this to people who were very close to me that I had hurt – I thought would be impossible. I am grateful for the wording of Step Nine, especially the phrases “wherever possible” and “except when to do so would injure them or others.” Just because I become ready to make amends, doesn’t mean the person on the other end of the conversation is ready to receive them. In truth, I have found the best amends for many of those on my list has been to simple continue working my program, and ensuring I don’t repeat my damaging behaviours. That is a gift for everyone involved, including myself.

Affirmation

Forgiveness takes courage, but amends lead to freedom from my guilt and shame of the past.

April 26

”We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreparably broken.” John Green

I still recall how I felt when I finally admitted that I had a problem. I was numb, no longer able to find any joy or pleasure in the world, truly a walking zombie. I felt broken, like I had wasted most of my life being a subject to my addictive behaviours. There was little hope, only darkness, despair, regret, and shame. I was a monster, and felt I only deserved to be punished. SAA gave me hope. I am glad I found it, glad that my father had been through AA and that I knew at least a little about the 12-Steps. Going for myself, for my own troubles was still difficult, but I was encouraged to have some familiarity. And knowing that my dad had managed to stay sober gave a glimmer of hope. It was certainly the stories of the men and women I encountered in those first months, their experience, strength and hope that showed the program could work for my issues as well. I saw their courage, their new found lease on life inspiring. I saw many examples of lives that should have been broken beyond repair, beyond forgiveness, beyond the reach of goodness. Yet I was surrounded by overcomers, and that gave me the will to put my faith in my own Higher Power and the program. For that I will be eternally grateful.

Affirmation

The human spirit and soul are resilient. There is always hope to change as long as there is breath in my body. I can and will overcome if I but trust in the process.

December 17

”Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage.” Lao Tzu

Love is a part of my life that I have only begun to understand correctly in my recent recovery. It is not about seeking, about getting what I want, or about having things I deserve. Rather, love is about sharing, about spreading the joy I have inside with others, about wanting to put someone else before me. I love not to be loved in return, but simply because I am filled with it and I need to pass it along. I now have people in my life who love me deeply, some who always have but I never recognized it, like my parents, and others who are a more recent addition. Nonetheless, knowing that others care strongly for me gives me strength to want to continue in this new life, to keep on progressing in becoming a better person. I am also learning how to love deeply, to be fully committed to other people, to be truly intimate and to be part of a partnership. Relationships may be based on give and take, yet I can half participate, only giving when I know that I will get something in return. Nowadays, I give simply because I am able, and I am less expectant of what might come back as a result. I have more courage to face the world because of the depth of my love of others.

Affirmation May God grant me all the love I need today to share with others, to spread joy and happiness, and to propel me along my path of recovery.

October 19

”Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

I am beginning to see the challenges, obstacles and difficulties of life in a new perspective. I used to complain a great deal about life being hard, about the fact if there was a most complicated and convoluted way to get through a situation, I would be sure to find it. I thought life was supposed to be easier, and was constantly seeking a time when it would be normal, without disaster after disaster. Now I am realizing that maybe this life is meant to be hard. That the mountains I encounter are meant to teach me something, to help me grow, to give me strength. Perhaps even to humble me, and make me realize that I cannot succeed in this life on my own, without my Higher Power to help me. So I find myself opening up to embrace the challenges. I have always had the belief that God never gives us more than we can handle. So when I feel overwhelmed, it’s the time to ask for His help to go through it. And I can be grateful for those times of difficulty and see them as a sign that the God of my understanding has the faith in me that I come out the other side of the storm.

Affirmation If life is an uphill climb, I will but on my boots and tackle the mountain before me. I will be better for facing the challenge rather than looking for an easier, softer way.

May 11

”The most beautiful people I've known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

How much does that resemble me as a recovering addict, like many of the brothers and sisters that I have met? To have fallen into my own pit of despair and arisen anew, having reconnected to my Higher Power and my soul, I have indeed uncovered my own beauty. And how beautiful and strong do I find those like me who have overcome such terrible pasts to find a second lease on life. Struggle, strife and hardship seem to be trials that push us to our limits and when we come out the other side we are better people for having made the journey. I am extremely grateful to have the aid of the 12 Steps to guide me along this new road. They have helped to clarify the path I need to take, and provided tools to help guarantee my success to continued sobriety. My rebirth is a gift I am thankful for each and every day. I feel a responsibility to share my story, my strength, and hope with others that they may too find their way from their own tarnished past into the present. The program is a set of principles, a fellowship, and even a family all rolled into one. I know my Higher Power’s will is for me to help others find their way back into the light.

Affirmation I am learning to find the positive in the struggles of the past, the strength to overcome, and the power that sharing my experience can have in helping others like me.

February 5

”Then he said to them all: ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.’” Luke 9:23

My religious background always led me to believe that the cross I had to carry was a burden, a punishment of sorts that was simply part of my life on Earth. It’s probably one of the many reasons that I turned away from the formal institution in my adolescence, that and the sense I had at the time of being brain-washed in ritual. My spirituality has matured a great deal in my recovery. While there is a God, of my understanding, that I value as my Higher Power, it is no longer the same figure I was raised to believe in. This transformation has also started to give me new insight into the cross I bear. I no longer see it as a burden, but as a tool. Perhaps seeing it as a yoke is more appropriate for me in my life today. A yoke gives the impression of work. Now I see all that I carry with me not as something to weigh me down, but as the experience, strength, hope and wisdom I have gained in this world which I can share with others. With this change of perspective also comes a change of attitude. Rather than dreading each day, and the burden I must carry forward, I can start my day joyously glad of all the opportunities that lay before me to share my gifts with others in need.

Affirmation As I strengthen my connection to my Higher Power, I will find strength and hope in places where there used to be only darkness and despair.

June 30

”Not a day passes over this earth but men and women of note do great deeds, speak great words and suffer noble sorrows.” Charles Reed

While history best remembers the words and works of great men and women, whether for noble or more impure reasons, I think true greatness is displayed best in those who are managing to exist in harmony from day to day. There is something to be said for those who maintain a simple life, who remain connected to family and friends, have a good sense of spirituality and morality, who respect the planet and all its inhabitants. These people will rarely be found in the history books, won’t be taught to our kids in school, are not immortalized in song yet have, in my opinion, likely found the most wisdom. Greatness is surely subjective…and while I can think of many well-known people whom I consider great, I am sure there are thousands more, who if their stories and their ordinary lives were made known, who I find have an equal measure of greatness. This is one of the many things I appreciate when I hear the experience, strength and hope of other members. Their stories of facing insurmountable odds, rising from the depths of pain and despair, the courage they display on a regular basis, all this and more makes me feel they deserve recognition of greatness. We in the fellowship have certainly suffered as noble as any.

Affirmation I will look for the simply greatness in those around me and it is certain to help me find it within myself.