August 29

”Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire, be breaks out against all sound judgement.” Proverbs 18:1

I can easily relate to my fellow addicts when they talk about isolation and how it seems to be such an integral part of the addictive process. I have been there, and in recovery, a pull towards isolation is a warning sign of my addiction trying to influence my choices. I falsely believed that what was done in isolation affected only myself and was nobody’s business but my own. As I grow in recovery, I know that this is not true, and that isolation, usually, means that I am headed in the wrong direction. In isolation my addiction has power as it removes me from all the external positive influences in my life. As the second part of the quote goes, this is where I tend to lack the common sense I usually possess to distinguish good choices from poorer ones. Instead I find myself listening to the whispers of the little devil sitting on my shoulder. Not a good spot for me to find myself in for sure. All this is not to say that I can never be alone. There is a distinct and important difference. Being alone, when I am seeking solitude, is healthy and is an opportunity for me to slow down, reflect, ponder, meditate or dream. Isolating is more a deliberate act to push everything away, to cut myself off from the world around me. That is a sign of trouble ahead. I am learning how to accept being along and doing so in a positive way.

Affirmation

Isolation leads me down the wrong path, today I will work on being alone and finding solitude by working my program.

July 20

”Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much.” Helen Keller

I had a great, positive experience recently that also gave me a long time to reflect as well. It was a team obstacle course, and I was part of a fairly large team, most people whom I only met for the first time the day of the event. The challenges were spaced out a fair distance so there was lots of time to job between them. And most of the challenges were set up so that the team had to act in unison to help each other complete the tasks. Somehow, I found myself in front of the team about halfway through the course. Not believing that I could have surpassed them, I pressed on, determined to find the head of the pack, denying that it could be me given my current level of fitness. A few challenges later without site of any of my team mates, I started to slow down, eventually stopping before the final few event to let my friends catch up. That time alone made me think about the importance of sticking together. It also made me think of how my initial reaction often, when I feel alone or isolated, is to run further away, instead of slowing down to let people catch up to me. At the end of the event was a very difficult challenge that needed almost everyone’s assistance and participation to complete. I am grateful that I took that pause to be part of the team in overcoming that hurdle. It was a moment of service, celebration and triumph. And it would not have been the same if I had done it on my own.

Affirmation

Being part of a team or a group is an important part of my recovery. Whether or not I lead, or my presence is important to how the group functions and behaves.

February 24

”It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company.” George Washington

I’m not sure it’s always better to be alone. I spent many years being bad company to myself, without the help of anybody else. I was quite capable of finding ways to keep myself occupied and mostly in ways that I am not proud to share now. My addiction liked to keep me isolated as that was part of keeping me under control. On the other hand, being in poor company is not necessarily a better option. Peer pressure can have a big impact on affecting how I act and the choices that I make. Getting caught up in the momentum of a party or group setting can encourage me to engage in activities that I wouldn’t normally consider. This is why part of me recovery program focuses on the people I keep in my entourage. From those I have met in the program, to family and friends, I have needed to evaluate which relationships are nurturing from those which are toxic. These influences have the ability to strengthen or weaken my resolve and determination to stick with my steps and my path of sobriety.

Affirmation Relationships play a huge part in maintaining my program of recovery, and I will seek to keep the healthy ones going. I will resolve to let the poor influencers go their own way.

December 31

”Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.” Henri Nouwen

Spending holidays without my kids puts some of my past into perspective. It’s a reminder of the cost my addiction. But it was also a time for reflection, and where I noticed that I am better able to be alone. As my group’s promises state, “reaching out in trust and connecting with others will come easier, dispelling our sense of isolation and loneliness.” This is something that I have begun to notice in my life, that my loneliness is indeed transforming into solitude. My addiction was lonely, and being alone was indeed painful, which led to my wanting to find some way to soothe the suffering. My medication was to act out, and I can see how so much of that past behaviour stemmed from desperation. Solitude comes from the serenity I experience in recovery. The fact that I no longer feel driven by my addiction, but that I know I can rely on my Higher Power, my group, friends, family, and even myself, has shown me the power of community. I have finally come to find peace within, and that is the best gift I could ever hope for.

Affirmation I will enjoy the tranquility of life, the quiet moments to simply sit and just be. I do not need external things to distract me from being alone.

December 23

”Each day is a loan, spend it wisely.” Anonymous

Time is a precious gift, and something I squandered too easily in the past. It is still something I struggle with, having too much time and trying to make good use of it. Having time on my hands doesn’t mean that I always have to have it planned out; spending free time relaxing, meditation or reflecting is healthy. But there are many ways I can simply waste it. I’ve come to realize that lure of my addiction was the lure to escape. And the result of all that running away is that I kept hiding from myself. This is most apparent in those times when I am alone and when I feel uncomfortable, like having an itch I can’t find to scratch. It’s at those times I wish I was anywhere else, or doing anything else, than being stuck with only myself. These are the times when I need to slow myself down, to reassure myself that I am safe all by my lonesome. I have to remember the simple things, like breathing. Or like focusing on the thoughts that are preoccupying my attention, recognizing they are there, and letting them go. I need to remain grounded and focused on the present to make the best use of my time.

Affirmation Time is a gift, one that I am learning to value. Time with myself is something to treasure, and a healthy part of my sobriety.

October 22

”Success is not a destination, it’s a journey.” Zig Ziglar

One of my personal triggers is travel. Being away from the familiar increases my stress because I feel less secure, more uncomfortable, and do not relish being alone. It is that fear of being along that comes out the strongest. I think that is from years of my acting out where all that activity kept me from spending quiet moments with myself where I could hear my internal thoughts which would have led to me seeing the conflict my actions were creating. I had to keep busy, keep making noise, so that those thoughts of wrongness would not escape the chaos and register in my head. Life is indeed a journey. I cannot go back to those earlier years and take the time to slow down and listen to the turmoil I was creating and choose to instead listen. I can choose, however, to listen to those thoughts and feelings now, to recognize the moments of discomfort when life feels incongruous. These are times where I need to pay closer attention and check if my thoughts, words and actions are aligned.

Affirmation In denying parts of myself, in avoiding listening fully to how I feel, I cut out important parts of my being. I will find time today to sit quietly and pay attention to my inner monologue.

May 27

”Having someone who understands is a great blessing for ourselves. Being someone who understands is a great blessing for others.” Janette Oke

The most precious gift I have found in my groups, and in the SAA fellowship as a whole has been understanding. For what feels to be the first time in my life I know, without a doubt, that I am not alone. While the reasons for me having found the group are not pleasant, the fact that there are groups of like-minded individuals who seek to overcome this addiction brings me tremendous hope. I challenge myself at every meeting to remain honest, to share openly about where I am, the struggles I still face and the successes I have achieved. I give my attention to others to show my own support for their journey. I learn from everyone I hear, and can almost always share in some aspect of their story that is similar to my own. In the beginning I needed to lean on others to have the courage and strength to keep taking the next step. Today I know I seek that support even more, not only in coping with my addictive thoughts and tendencies, but with most aspects of my life. Dealing with life on life’s terms is rarely easy, yet I am fortunate to know that I need not do it alone. I am able to support others in ways that I needed as a newcomer. I am grateful to be able to give back, and as the program says, to help those who still suffer.

Affirmation Today I will seek to understand others as much as I pray to be understood. There is great strength and hope in my fellowship which can support me.

April 7

”We are part of the whole which we call the universe, but it is an optical delusion of our mind that we think we are separate. This separateness is like a prison for us. Our job is to widen our circle of compassion so we feel connected to all people and all situations.” Albert Einstein

Most of us thought we were alone, that no one could comprehend how we felt, what it was like to lose control, how we despaired to find a way out of our addiction. We are usually amazed to discover others like us in our groups and meetings. How often do we see so much of our own lives and struggles in the sharing of others? And even stranger how often has someone else told us how much they have related to our own story? It is encouraging to know we are not unique in our situation. It is important to feel we belong. The family atmosphere that is created in most groups; the care, encouragement and understanding that develops further supports us in our recovery.

Affirmation Today I will listen to other addicts or share my own experience, strength and hope and know I have found a place where I belong.

February 14

”Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.” Paul Tillich

I am alone, I am lonely. These ideas are often a core aspect of many of our fears and triggers. In one group they have a set of promises about working the program, one of which talks about eventually turning loneliness into solitude. This is a hard concept for many of us, we have spent so long hiding in our addiction to avoid confronting ourselves that we are very afraid of the prospect. Working the steps of recovery gives us a gentle path to reconnect to our inner selves and rediscover and regenerate our self esteem. Eventually through our efforts, with the help of our Higher Power we will succeed in transforming our loneliness into solitude and learn to be at peace with ourselves.

Affirmation Today I will take some time to be by myself, to take an honest look in the mirror and to be alright with what I see.