April 12

”A brave man acknowledges the strength of others.” Veronica Roth

It never ceases to amaze me what I learn about myself from the most unexpected moments. I have been happily handing out the initial copies of my first book to friends and brothers and sisters in the program who have been kind enough to support me. I went through with the publishing because it felt like the right thing to do, and not because I was seeking recognition or reward. For me, it’s purely part of my recovery and certainly my 12th Step work of passing the message to others. So what I was prepared for has been the response from those who are taking a copy. I haven’t grasped the impact I have had on the lives of those around me, and I am gaining insights that I might never have known. This in some ways has been a little challenging as I have had a difficult time accepting praise and recognition in the past. I am also striving to be a humble person. So when I mentioned at a meeting in my sharing that I was there for somewhat selfish reasons, i.e. to pass along copies of my book, I wasn’t prepare when someone said in their opinion of me I wasn’t selfish at all. I am grateful for this program that is teaching others, like it has me, to be brave, and to recognize others. I know I am indebted to those who were there for me and said the things I needed to hear.

Affirmation

Knowing I am worthy and deserving of recognition doesn’t necessarily prepare me to receive the accolades of others, but if I remain humble and true, I can accept them with gratitude.

April 6

”Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.” John Wooden

The Steps are teaching me humility. Where I used to think my exploits were something extraordinary, something I could brag about, or even be proud of, today I see them in a different light. Having found out that I am not quite so unique, that there are others with similar talents, has humbled me. However, more humbling have been the tales of those who have hit bottom because of their addiction, and the steps needed to rise from that dark pit. Thank you God for the humility to recognize how to use my talents. I have had fleeting moments of fame and recognition. In hindsight I attributed my successes to my own efforts, often without gratitude for those who had supported me, and certainly did not recognize my Higher Power’s role. Thank you God for whatever recognition you allow me to receive, I am grateful for it. I have succumbed to the sins of pride and conceit, of measuring myself against others and judging that I am better. This is a personal flaw, and is not a healthy stance for me to have. I recognize that I am as imperfect as everyone else in the world, and do not need to rank myself among my fellow human beings. I will be careful.

Affirmation

Humility and gratitude are great strengths of character that I will promote, to better myself, and to avoid pitfalls like conceit and jealousy.

February 17

”Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.” Albert Einstein

I think this is another way of saying “in all things, moderation.” I can strive to simplify my life, but even in this task I can go too far. I can reduce something to the point where it no longer has any relevance or value. Or I can spend time making things so clear that anyone can understand, but who would at the same time feel degraded because the level of language and comprehension was too far below a respectable level. This also speaks to me of the challenging concept of “good enough.” Challenging to me because this goes against my more natural tendency of perfectionism. This is where I am growing more comfortable with an 80% solution and that not necessarily everything has to be just right. My best doesn’t always have to be an A+ or a gold medal. A 4th place-effort might be enough to get the job done and satisfy the needs of the client. George Carlin used to joke about the worst doctor in the world, and the fact that someone has an appointment to see him tomorrow. Be that as it may, the worst doctor is likely a better choice than the best plumber in the world to diagnose any healthy issues. So I don’t need to necessarily be in the top 10, 20 or even 50% of people in whatever field I “compete.” My skills are enough to finish the job, then that may be all that is required.

Affirmation Humility can also come from accepting that my work may not be top-class all the time, but if what was needed gets done, then I can be satisfied with my efforts.

January 2

”One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.” John Burroughs

There are days when even though most things have gone well, just a few episodes can seem to ruin a perfectly good day. It seems that communication is still a challenging area of my recovery. Sometimes I wonder if I have simply just missed the boat, that I wasn’t paying enough attention to those around me, and that’s why all of a sudden the ground seems to fall out from under me. Recovery has taught me to be humble. It’s in these moments that I need to fight hard not to put myself on the defensive and become argumentative. Instead I need to be willing to take the first step and admit my faults and work to make things better. Trying to prove who was right or wrong doesn’t help me make my relationships better. The small things are important, and these are the things that I missed first when I was in my active addiction. I was too preoccupied to notice all the small nuances in life as I was too self-absorbed. So I as much as it can be painful to have to deal with days like this, it is certainly better than the alternative.

Affirmation Little things that go wrong are still important and need to be resolved. I will not ignore the small hurts that need to be fixed today.

July 17

”A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” George Bernard Shaw

I don’t like making mistakes. And the only thing I like worse than making one, is admitting it. Yet it is the admittance of the mistake, and not the fact that I made it, where the opportunity for growth lays hidden. In owning up for the errors of my ways, my imperfections, I gain insight and valuable experience, and the chance to try again. I cannot imagine a life spent doing nothing. It would be boring, stagnant, and very long. Life is about purpose and exploration, curiosity and discovery, in trial and, yup you guessed it, error. I am part of this imperfect species known as the human race. I don’t know all the answers even if I might say or act as though I do sometimes. I am simply blundering along as best I can, trying not to really foul things up. Being a recovering addict continues to be a humbling experience. Taking the long hard looks in the mirror has forced me to reconcile with myself and my inner demons, to accept myself wholly, strengths and faults alike. It is in this self-awareness that I can seek balance, that I can find serenity within, and find the ways to let my Higher Power guide me.

Affirmation In seeking I will find, and there are no better opportunities to see myself than by looking at my mistakes and growing from them.

December 27

”You cannot hold back a good laugh any more than you can the tide. Both are forces of nature.” William Rotsler

When life has me down and I need to find a way out of my depressed state, I usually have to go no further than looking at the children in my life, my own or those of friends. To see their free spirits, their ability to just have fun, lightens my heart and gives me reason to want to be a part of life rather than staying alone with the thoughts in my head. It also does me good to look at myself and recall those moments when I have done some humorous things. It’s healthy for me to be able to poke fun at myself, to be humble enough to admit I have made some mistakes or taken decisions that were mildly to downright hilarious. Laughter is indeed good medicine. The more I am able to laugh, joke, or cajole with others about my addiction, the less power those experiences hold over me. In viewing my past with irony and even some ridicule, I can distance myself from the all-consuming nature of my inner demons. Knowing that I can make light of former behaviours does not excuse what I have done, but it is a sign of being in recovery and moving forward.

Affirmation Laugh and let go of the hurt and shame of the past. I am human and my mistakes can transform into humour as I move on in a better direction today.

December 14 (50)

”In struggling against anguish one never produces serenity; the struggle against anguish only produces new forms of anguish.” Simone Weil

I have the capacity to create new tensions in my relationships by fighting for things to happen my way. Or, I can step back, take a look at what my goal truly is, and if letting someone else take the reins will achieve the same thing, then maybe I am better off to let them be in control. It means I will not have to expend extra energy to defend my view and convince the other to follow my suggestions. Instead I can surrender. This does take faith that the other person will do as promised, and my willingness to accept that they will do it in their own way and not as I would have. This is how I need to see my relationship with my Higher Power. I have to find the courage and the humility to trust in His will, in His plans for how my life is supposed to unfold. It takes the continuing belief that He truly has my best interest at heart. I may not understand the path that has been place before me until I reach the destination, but I will have faith that the route I take is all part of the lessons I am supposed to learn along the journey.

Affirmation In surrender I gain the freedom to put my energy into more positive actions. Being humble and letting others take control can be a sign of strength.

December 3 (61)

”Making mistakes simply means you are learning faster.” Weston H. Angor

Recovery has and continues to be a humbling experience. I have stalled quite a few times in my recovery, trying to figure out the best or perfect way to go forward. From trying to define my circles and my personal definition of abstinence, to creating my list of character defects, I have not always been the easiest client who simply follows the program. As hard as my head might be, after several repetitions from some key members that the steps aren’t a one-time do-them-and-you’re-cured remedy, I am coming to grips with not having to do them exactly right the first time. The key is to do them to the best of my ability and just to get started working my way through the process. My Higher Power doesn’t expect me to follow everything the right way all of a sudden, the importance is that I continue along the better path, and continue to keep faith in His will. All the mistakes I am making in recovery are signs that I am breaking out of my old patterns and trying new things. The discomfort I feel is perfectly normal as I am no longer relying on old habits and coping mechanisms that are familiar. Change is an uncomfortable state that I am trying to embrace as I focus on my recovery.

Affirmation I accept that I am going to make mistakes in working my program. The importance is that I keep at it.

A Lesson in Humility

Well, so here is the gist of the matter. With all the best intentions (read planning and scheming), I boldy set out publishing my meditations with, I thought, a reasonable stockpile of roughly 90 reviewed, ready-to-post, meditations in m back pocket. I reasoned that if I could maintain a pace of writing 5 new ones a week, well, then I should relatively easily make it to posting a continuous 366 day's worth. So here we are after 2/3 of a year published, and the well of meditations has run dry. Well, maybe that is an overstatement - there are certainly plently of ideas running around in my head, its more the lack of having extracted them onto paper, then typing  them up and reviewing them to prepare them for posting that is missing.

So, to any of you have been faithful followers, my sincerest apologies as I expect that for the foreseeable future, that there may be, dare I say it, holes in my daily meditations. I have been slowly switching to a daily routine, but I know that life, as it often does, will through kinks into the works that will challenge me to keep this a true daily posting.

Still, on a personal note, having completed just over 240 meditations, a combined effort of about a year's worth of work, feels pretty good. I am going to accept a self pat-on-the-back for not having given up, well, at least entirely, on this aspect of my recovery, which has had the added benefit of bringing me closer with my parents, of all people, who have been a great support throughout these past months of change.

SoI hope you bear with me as the transition takes place, and who knows, maybe making this a truer "daily" blog won't be so bad after all. I have faith that my Higher Power knows what is best and will be there to support me in all my endeavours.

In Serenity,
Arthur

August 28

”Service is the rent we pay to be living. It is the key purpose of life and not something to do in your spare time. ” Marian Wright Edelman

As my term as group treasurer draws to a close, I am grateful for the opportunity to have been of service to my group. It is a small token of appreciation for all the fellowship has given back to me. It has also been a positive motivator to keep me coming to meetings on a regular basis, especially on those days where I would rather have done something else. Having an opportunity to act responsibly was also a building block to putting my life in recovery into perspective and having some healthy, positive experiences to rebuild my self-esteem and confidence. Service is also about humility and putting the needs of others before those of my own. It is a reminder that nothing is beneath me if it is for the benefit of the greater good. Simple acts of collecting donations, paying room rental costs and ordering literature also helped me in ensuring the continuing functioning of my group so that there is a place for fellow addicts, old and new, to come to find the same help I am.

Affirmation Service allows me not only to give back to the program that is helping me, but ensure that the group will exist for others to seek help as well.

March 30

”Even in you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward.” Victor Kiam

Humility is the virtue of knowing that we can and will make mistakes. It’s admitting we are not perfect. Being humble does not mean we are not worthy of love, respect or caring. It simply means that we have much to learn. The thing about learning is that we do not know all the answers. It means we can say or do the wrong thing. The importance is that we keep learning from what we have done wrong, make adjustments, and move forward. When we fall, we need to stand up, brush ourselves off and keep going. It’s important to remember that even if falling, we’ve moved on from where we were just standing. We need to remain open and teachable. Some of that means being willing to set aside our preconceptions and accepting new ideas and ways of thinking. We can admit that we need to listen and profit from the experience and knowledge of others if we want to change and grow.

Affirmation I am open to learning, prepared to make mistakes and willing to make discoveries.