November 16

”Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds.” Orison Swett Marden

One of the recurring themes in my recovery has been the fact that the right choices have most often turned out to be the hard choices. Dedicating myself to my program, sticking with the steps, turning away from my addictive thinking and behaviors towards sanity and sobriety – all these have and continue to force me to make difficult choices. The ways of the past, doing what I am used to and comfortable with, going with the flow – that was the easier, faster way. But that path no longer works for me, the cost of living that way is far too great. So I push the boulder up the hill, walk on the coals of the fires I started, and plug the leaky dam with fingers, toes and whatever else I can find. Okay, maybe not literally, but some of the challenges have seemed overwhelming, like the odds were stacked against me. It has taken courage, strength, patience, love, support, but most of all faith, to stick with doing the right thing. Have I accomplished things? Certainly. Are these things that most people in my life can see? Most of them, not directly, no. Many of the hardest battles have happened between my ears, the struggle of choosing between my old behaviours and my new, resisting the urge to go back to my old way of life. Over time, though, these choices have indirectly had a positive effect on those around me. And of course a direct impact on my sanity and the manageability of my life.

Affirmation

Doing the right thing is often hard, requires more effort, and is a challenge. I will trust in my program and my Higher Power as I know the reward is worth it.

January 16

”A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.” Charles Gordy

There are moments where I have to simply stop and smile at the craziness I find myself in. It is actually a relief to recognize when I am overwhelmed as it is a reminder that I am not simply ignoring what is happening around me, but that I am present and ready to face the challenge. It is wonderful to no longer be running on auto-pilot as I did in the past, but to be actively participating in the world around me. Taking those moments to pause when I feel like my head is under water are important to ground myself, mentally recite a Serenity Prayer or two, and start to focus on what parts of the situation I can control. Letting go of taking responsibilities for the actions and feelings of others allows me to concentrate better on my own. I am getting better at finding the positive in my adversities, even if it is only the fact that I am aware of how I am feeling, or recognizing that I am acting in a way contrary to my former behaviours. That in of itself is a reason to grin ear-to-ear.

Affirmation I will find good in situations that may at first appear only bad, as I learn to let go and work on those things that I am capable of changing.

September 17

”Our strength often increases in proportion to the obstacles imposed upon it.” Paul de Rapin

My life often feels like a series of tragic events… and I am sure it sounds that way when I tell others. I know that I often have the hidden desire of seeking sympathy. I heard a country song recently that summed things up pretty well, that it just “sounds like life to me.” I certainly can relate, in retrospect, that many of my “tragedies”, while painful and a pretty big deal when I am in the middle of them, are not really that huge when I get through them. The truth of the matter is that I tend to overreact and let situations overwhelm me that don’t warrant that much attention. It is a habit that helped feed my addiction, and still does when I let it. It is part of the same pattern that allows an addictive seed to be planted in my thoughts that eventually grows into something with enough momentum to lead me into my middle or inner circle behaviours. I no longer react instantaneously, but it still builds up to the point of no return after hours or days. That auto-pilot escape mechanism still functions all too well. I still need to be gentle with myself, forgive myself for being human and slipping on occasion. My life really is so much better. I need to keeping trusting in my Higher Power and working the program.

Affirmation I may slip and fall, but I will continue to get back up. My tragedies are not often as bad as I try to make them to be and things will improve.