December 20

”Experience is what you get when you do not get what you want.” Anonymous

Looking back at the past year, I would have to say that I have gained a lot of experience, but gained a lot of other things as well. If I look carefully, probably the biggest reasons I would say I have gained experience are because I did not truly know what I needed, or more likely that what I wanted was not really in-line with what my Higher Power knew I needed. A year goes by so fast and the road behind me seems much longer than it did as I travelled it. I could not have predicted to be where I am today when this year started. I had many difficult challenges to face with my relationships, especially my family, as a result of my addiction. This year has been rocky to say the least, and there have been some significant endings, like that of my marriage. Yet endings often lead to beginnings, and there have been some of those as well. I do know that I am more aware and appreciative of the ebb and flow of life. I feel more an active participant, taking my place, handling my responsibilities, and focusing on things that really matter. So I guess I am mostly content with the results thus far, and will continue to put faith in the path that God has lain before me.

Affirmation My journey sometimes needs to be seen in retrospect to be truly appreciated and put into perspective. I am on the right track if I stay in recovery.

November 11 (83)

”Great hope makes great men.” Thomas Fuller

Hope is still something I struggle with. Having lived with the belief that “if something is too good to be true, it usually is” for so long is challenging to overcome. I am too used to that feeling that when things seem better than what I think I deserve that I need to sabotage them. It takes time and effort to be okay with the good things in my life and to have the self-esteem and self-confidence to accept them. Coming to terms with being in a better place in my life takes time and effort. But here, as in recovery, it is important for me to continue facing life One Day at a Time. Just because I am doing better is not a reason to stop applying the Steps and principles of the program. In fact, it should be the incentive to keep using them to protect this new way of living. It’s pleasant being able to hope and to have moved forward from the place and time where I was reaching out for something else in total desperation. Instead I find I have a healthy yearning for the good and positive things in my life. The program is helping me experience personal renewal as I transform from darkness into light.

Affirmation Hope and dreams will become a way to look forward in anticipation of a happier and healthier life.

August 26

”Why are we surprised when fig trees bear figs.” Margaret Titzel

Being in recovery is both a blessing and a curse. It’s been a blessing because it has shown me the depths of my own sickness and that awareness has motivated me to change my behaviours. It’s a curse because the awareness has also shown me how others in my life have been contaminated by my illness. This is not always a good thing because others are not always open to admitting they are sick as well and need help. I cannot force anyone to seek help for the damage I have caused by bringing my addiction into their lives. This negative side of my awareness leads me too often to expecting to react as though they have the knowledge I am gaining in my recovery. The problem is, many of them are doing little to change their coping mechanisms, so it should not be a surprise when they continue to act as if I am sick, or just in their own unhealthy ways. Yet is takes me aback more often than not. I need to be careful in setting unrealistic expectations in my relations with others. It is me that is in recovery; I am working a program; I am getting help and walking a new path. I can encourage others to do so, but until they make that choice for themselves, they are not likely to treat me any differently nor change their own behaviours. This is something I need to be prepared for and to live through.

Affirmation I will be aware that I am not expecting too much of others and to remember that my recovery changes me first.