October 14

”Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.” Corrie Ten Boom

Choices are the cornerstone of my world. There are those which propel me forward and those which help to keep me mired in the muck. Worry is one of the latter. It is something I am recognizing that serves no purpose other than to have me dwell incessantly on past mistakes or a future that has not yet come. Both of these have the same result, which is taking me away from today and from acting in the moment. Worry is also a root of other negative states, like anxiety, fear, desperation, frustration, sorrow and even depression. It saps my time and energy to focus on those things within my control. Worry is very much about spending, or wasting, time on all the multitude of things which are outside my control. A good place for the Serenity Prayer to help me regain my bearings. Just like my circles teach me to surround myself with healthy activities, I also need to consciously seek healthy states of mind. I agree that there will be times when situations evoke less pleasant emotions, and that it is important for me to experience them and get through those moments. However, those should not be my predominant feelings to help me along my way. I recognize that life is not a steady state, but filled with highs and lows, yet I do have the ability to wallow in my states of despair and sadness, or to find the courage to find the joy and happiness in life. My Higher Power is always there to lend me the strength to get back to living my life rather than merely passing from moment to moment.

Affirmation

Just like there are days when it is difficult to get out of bed, so too are there days when it will be hard to put a smile on my face. Yet even this is a choice, and I can choose to see the light of the day rather than the shadow that falls behind me.

October 6

”If you don’t create change, change will create you.” Anonymous

I’m beginning to understand addiction as a disease of choice. My addiction began slowly, spreading slow tendrils and roots of illness by corrupting my small choices, by offering glimpses of instant gratification. Gradually the choices grew in consequence and in severity. And by the time I realized I was in trouble, there were thousands of connections that had been made and I was in a veritable web of deceit, shame and guilt. Yet even still, trapped as I was, I still retained the power of choice. My addiction, even with all the lies and deception, could not remove that basic principle. It certainly tried hard to cover up alternatives, to make only the choices that related to my addiction seem attractive or even possible. But the power of choice remained, however slight the chance remained that I could choose another path. Recovery is my process to change my choice-making behaviours. It is an exercise in awareness that lifts the fog that surrounds me, the blinding wall of falsehoods that my addiction built to protect its dominion. It’s a building of confidence that I can rely on different ways to cope with life, instead of continuing to blindly follow the choices that now create more harm than help. It’s the power once again to create, to rejoice, to rejuvenate, to live. It is also the opportunity to choose to relinquish control over those things I cannot change to my Higher Power, to focus on the limited number of things within my direct sphere of influence. It’s simply the choice to change.

Affirmation

Growth comes as I begin to see my addiction from the perspective of recovery, and start to understand this disease from which I have suffered for long enough.

September 7

”My story isn’t sweet and harmonious, like invented stories. It tastes of folly and bewilderment, of madness and dreams, like the lives of all people who no longer want to lie to themselves.” Hermann Hesse

Wow, what a quote. For me it sums up perfectly life before and after admitting that I had an addiction. Life before was a fairy tale that I was trying very hard to continue to believe, pursue, and make a reality. Life since admitting I had a problem has been a wild rollercoaster ride through some pretty wicked weather. And this life is reality that I am learning to accept as it is, rather than pretend it is something else. Life is, and always has been, about choices. My past was filled of choices of avoidance, blaming, running away, or ignoring the truth. It focused on immediate and instant gratification; it did not care about the long term, or the consequences of my actions. It was short-sighed, selfish and very exclusive. My present is about acceptance, forgiveness, honesty, staying in the moment and trust. It is focused on real relationships, genuine connections with myself, my Higher Power, and other human beings. It cares about the moment, knowing that if I am doing well here, the future will take care of itself. It does worry about consequences and how my decisions and actions affect those around me. It has selfish aspects in terms of making my recovery and personal relationship a priority, but it seeks to balance that with all the other parts of my ever-expanding horizon of reality, which is very inclusive. All because I no longer wish to lie to myself, which makes me content to not have a life which is sweet and harmonious.

Affirmation

Reality is a mix of ups and downs, highs and lows, good, bad and sometime ugly moments. But reality is the better option, so God Bless the Mess.

In Memorium

'Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.' The Latin term for that sentiment is Carpe Diem. Now who knows what that means?...Seize the day. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. Why does the writer use these lines?...Because we are food for worms, lads. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day gonna stop breathing, turn cold, and die.

Now I would like you to step forward over here and peruse some of the faces from the past. You've walked past them many times. I don't think you've really looked at them. They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you. Their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen. Do you hear it? Carpe. Hear it? Carpe. Carpe Diem. Seize the day boys. Make your lives extraordinary.

Robin Williams

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I'm breaking from my writing pattern for a special occasion, the untimely passing of someone who has, likley unbeknowst to him, been a major role model for most of my life. Dead Poet's Society has remained my favorite movie of Robin Williams. My Captain has gone forth from the land, and not in a way I had hoped he might. His loss, especially as a suicide, has not change my opinion of him. Having faced demons of my own, I feel I can sympathize and understand, at least to a degree, where he has been.

And in the same moment, this event has brought about a mix of emotions. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. I am a big fan, I have had the blessing of meeting my idol in person backstage during one of his stand-up tours. I thought so well of him, that I have an unsent letter sitting in my computer, that was to accompany a copy of my meditation book as a gift of appreciation for the inspiration his career and talent has given me. That letter which has been written for 3 months while I wait for the right moment to send it. And then come the questions, did I wait too long to send it? Would he have received it and read it? Could I somehow have changed his path through that gesture? Then comes the reality of accepting that I will never know as I cannot go back into the past and make things different. Did I miss my chance to seize the day?

We are all worms for food, that is the fate that awaits each of us. Do I have the courage to take the reins in my life, to act with extraordinary courage and fearlessly pursue my dreams? Maybe I have been listening too long, waiting for the perfect moment, and instead need to act more swiftly before I am too late. Life is precious and fragile. Our grasp and understanding of the world and reality is often tenuous at best. Moments like these are a harsh reminder that none of us escapes this mortal coil alive. Therefore every moment is a gift and should be treated with care, and used to the best of its ability. So the unsent letter, although it may be too late to reach the intended recipient, is going in the mail tomorrow. Many other things that have been put aside now seem more important to me. I know for myself, this tragic loss will not be in vain, and it will be another source to fuel my recovery, my giving back to the world for the recovery and serenity I have found. Thank you Robin for being a source of inspiration that will carry on well after you have gone from this life. I know that Heaven is a much happier place now that you are there. God bless you and keep you, thanks for all the tears, all the laughter and for being who you were. Genie, you're free.

September 6

”Decide what a beautiful day it’s going to be for you before checking the weather.” Mary Ellen Edmunds

Life is more how you take it than how it happens. There have been many days that I have missed opportunities of joy and happiness simply because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and chose to stay there. My attitude colours what happens to me – if I am being negative that is all I will see even in the good things that come my way. It is pretty much a guarantee that each day I will have good and not so good things happen to me and around me. But it is my choice to see everything as either a blessing or a curse. In moving to a stronger connection with my Higher Power, I am starting to believe in a greater design of which my life is but a small, yet important part. I can’t always see the bigger picture, nor am I necessarily always meant to. I need to trust that the God of my understanding has plans for me that are good. I am not able to comprehend all that lies before me and need to learn to accept where I am and to be content with what I have. Being where I am with the promise of becoming better is a miracle in of itself.

Affirmation I will decide to have a good day, to walk beside my Higher Power and see the positive in all I experience.