August 26

”Whoever starts out toward the unknown must consent to venture alone.” Andre Gide

Looking back, this was probably the aspect of admitting I had an addiction that frightened me the most – having to face it on my own. Discovering my S-group and realizing that there were others like me was a huge relief, even if I was nervous going to my initial meetings. I felt at home almost immediately and found a place where it was safe and where I could allow myself to talk openly and honestly for the first time. I know that my recovery is my own journey, one that no one else can take. Yet at the same time, I know there is a great deal of support should I choose to avail myself of it. I am blessed to be able to leverage the strength, hope, experience and wisdom of others who have gone before me, or who are in the midst of their recovery like I am. Recovery is no longer as scary an idea, even though I realize that it takes a lot of work and effort. That part is alright, even welcomed, as I would rather be putting my energy into activities that are making me a better person than those which were out to destroy me. Rather than merely existing moment to moment, I much prefer to be living life to the fullest.

Affirmation

I may need to recover on my own, but with the support of my friends in the program, I am certainly not alone.

November 9

”You’re never too small to receive big things, and should never be too big to appreciate the small ones.” Anonymous

More and more I find reasons to be appreciative of the world around me. Recovery has allowed me to be more conscious of all the wonders that life has to offer, big and small. This expanded view of everything, this limitless horizon, has made me want to give thanks for all the beauty, joy and love that I see. This is all a part of my continually improving relationship with my Higher Power, and my opportunity to give praise and thanks for the opportunities and experiences that I have been offered. Life is not always a bed of roses. There are days which are grey, with dark clouds that follow me. Yet even in these moments there are things that I can be grateful for. I know my Higher Power, and many others are with me during those harder times. I have many tools, resources and skills to help me cope and overcome whatever I am facing. There is always hope of the better times to come, and I know that there is a reason for me going through whatever the situation is, even if I don’t realize it at the time. Life is a journey with many colours, flavours, twists and turns along the way. Things rarely happen the way I plan or hope. Yet I am confident that my Higher Power has a good plan for me, that there is a purpose to the path I am following. Therefore I am grateful for all the experiences along the way because the end result will have been worth all that I had to get through to reach the goal.

Affirmation

Today I give thanks for all that has happened, the good, the bad and the ugly. I trust in the divine purpose of my life and that my Higher Power does indeed know what is best for me.

March 5

”Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we are hurting or we will never know what is waiting for us around the bend.” Brigitte Nicole

So recovery teaches me to take things a step at a time. To get up each day and work my program. To work through all my issues one by one. To focus on the next day, hour, or minute as the case may be. The importance is the journey, that I continue to focus on Progress Not Perfection. This takes a great deal of trust and faith in my Higher Power. I have to surrender to His will, and accept that He will guide me in the right direction. In following the plans of the God of my understanding, I believe that there are great things waiting for me around the bend. I believe that it is through my suffering that I am encouraged to grow. It is from the pain that I learn to experience greater joy and beauty in the world around me. I know that taking the steps, sometimes blindly, is the right thing to do when I let myself be led by my Source. I will continue my journey no matter what it takes.

Affirmation The path that I have be given to have follow have many surprises along the way. I trust that my Higher Power knows what is best for me and has reasons for all that I experience.

November 21

”It costs nothing to dream, but everything if you don't.” Rita Davenport

Some days my skies are gray, colours muted, food bland, and life is dull. There feels like there is little to be thankful for or grateful about, that life is simply continuing but really not improving. It can be hard in these moments to find my blessings, to find reasons to be happy about my circumstances. Usually these are the days when I am facing some challenge of my past or my recovery from it. And usually they are not when I am dreaming of a better future. Let’s face the facts, recovery is not glorious. My past behaviours and idolization of my addiction have led me down some dark paths and have caused some serious damage. I have some serious atonement and amends to make to start repairing what I have broken, to start allowing myself and others to heal from the life I used to live. Some days it just isn’t fun being in recovery. I need to remind myself that being recovery is good, that it is the right thing. The alternative, going back to my old ways, isn’t a viable option. That I can be melancholy and suffer through today is a gift, if only in the sense that it means today I am not actively supporting my addiction. Sometimes that has to be enough to keep me moving forward in my program. And maybe I can find the energy to dream of when things will be brighter.

Affirmation Some days are tough, and much of my recovery is going to take hard work to make it through. But the end goal is worth the struggle and I commit to persevering to the finish line.

October 31

”Affliction is often that thing which prepares an ordinary person for some sort of an extraordinary destiny.” CS Lewis

I am learning a good deal about the hero’s journey, a common theme in literature where someone “normal” is pushed into a great adventure, usually after suffering a tragic loss of some kind. I do agree with Mr. Lewis that affliction is often a catalyst for change, for an undertaking of significant magnitude that often escapes someone at the start of the journey. My path into recovery is certainly a very personal example that only arose from tragedy. Along this path I have had tasks to face to confront my fears, acknowledge my weakness and to solidify my strengths. I have met wise advisors, and enemies along the way who have attempted to thwart my progress. Through it all, however, I have had to make many hard choices to continue following the right path. I know I am not yet at the end of this adventure, nor am I certain what the goal or treasure I seek to attain may be when I reach the destination. I do, however, have faith that there is a greater purpose for the road I am following and that the reward is worth the strife I face along the way.

Affirmation I recognize pain and suffering as teachers, as motivation for change and movement to a new and better direction of my life.

January 27

”Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you.” Aldous Huxley

I have come to realize that my life in addiction was not about experience, not about excitement, not even about living. My compulsive sexual behaviours for the most part are boring, monotonous, and only led to the routine and stagnation. When my life revolved around sex there was little else, no variety, no true appreciation for the natural wonder and beauty of the world, no connection with the people and places I encountered. Life is recovery is completely the opposite. Because I no longer crush, hide, or avoid my emotions, living today has depth. Because I once again believe in a power greater than myself that is good, that promotes life, everything I see, hear, touch, say and do has greater meaning and purpose. No longer do I live to satisfy only my own needs and desires but instead I strive to be of service to those around me and to share my God-given talents. Life now happens with me as an active participant rather than someone out-of-focus on the sidelines. I am accepting those things outside my control and taking the reins where I can make a difference. I am working to make the best of what is thrown my way, trusting that my Higher Power is there to lead me forward.

Affirmation Good or bad, come what may, let my Higher Power guide me today. If I stand or if I fall, let His strength carry me through it all.

January 11

”Real travel is not geographical. It is dimensional.” Alan Cohen

The longest journey I will ever embark upon is simply that of my life. It is destined to take me to numerous places, through tragedies and wonders, and to put me in touch with a multitude of people. Yet even still, at the heart of that journey, the crucial aspect is internal to myself. My voyage is in learning who I am, discovering my purpose, and finding my place in the world. This part holds true no matter where in the world I go or whatever stage of my life I find myself at. And when I think I have reached the point where I truly understand myself, I only need to dig a little deeper, peel away another layer of the onion, to find there is still more to my being. At the core of all this is my spiritual centre. If I am lucky, I will reach the point where I have fully accepted my physical body, aligned with my emotional self and fully surrendered to the spiritual being within. Then, and only then, will I have fully embraced the whole of nature that surrounds me.

Affirmation My true destination in life is to find harmony within myself, no matter where in the world I go or the experiences I encounter.

August 31

”Courage is resistance to fear, masking of fear, not absence of fear.” Mark Twain

Being in recovery is scary business. Facing life without the safety and security of my addiction can be frightening. Even though I see and hear that the program and faith in a Higher Power works for others in recovery, it is another thing entirely to make those steps on my own. Yet each challenge I face in sobriety, with the knowledge of my Higher Power by my side and my fellowship supporting me, strengthens my resolve and determination to live without the crutch of my drug of choice. Courage is a muscle that I can strengthen through use. I have faced seriously challenging and emotionally charged situations in recovery, sane and sober, that I could never have imagined having survived without resorting to acting out only a short time ago. God is a continued blessing in my life as I reprioritize my spiritual health. When I lack the strength, patience or courage I know help is only a prayer away. Meditation and gratitude complete the triangle of my spiritual life. To help keep me balanced and whole, in good times and in bad.

Affirmation I may be afraid to face life without my old coping mechanisms but I can take heart that others in the program have gone before me and succeeded.

August 29

”We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make.” Marian Wright Edelman

There are many days where I want big changes to occur in my recovery, even miraculous. The truth is, I don’t think I have had anything like that happen to me yet. And even though there have been no super-inspirational events, all the many small steps that I continue to make add up to where I am now, with several months of sobriety, a strong outer circle routine, great connection in the fellowship and decent rapport with my Higher Power. Honestly I think I prefer it this way, any big changes in my life, positive or negative, tend to disrupt my life more. Taking things as they come in smaller pieces is easier to manage, digest, and cope with on a daily basis. I shouldn’t be surprised by this…my trip into addiction was a long and slow process. So I expect my return voyage to sobriety to be a similar endeavour. I need to remind myself that each small correction I make is a victory. It is something worth recognizing, worth celebrating and being proud of. Progress, progress, progress is the name of the game, and persistence and patience are what will help keep me pointed in the right direction.

Affirmation I can celebrate the small differences I make - if the change is genuine and moves me forward in recovery then it has  been worthwhile.

March 9

”A rattlesnake, if cornered, will sometimes become so angry it will bite itself. That is exactly what the harboring of hate and resentment against others is, a biting of oneself. We think we are harming others in holding these spites and hates, but the deeper harm is to ourselves.” Eli E. Stanley

In our journey of recovery we need to learn how to set new boundaries, out of respect for ourselves and for others. We need to learn what lines we cannot afford to cross as they lead to middle and inner circle behaviours, or are simply inappropriate and unhealthy. It’s an important task to determine the actions and activities that fall within our three circles. This is part of establishing new boundaries within ourselves in terms of our addiction. It’s critical to remember that how we react to certain individuals, situations or emotions can be harmful and inadvertently feed our addiction. Learning to trust our new boundaries without testing them can be challenging. Some members go so far as a written contract with their sponsor to delineate their new acceptable behaviours.

Affirmation I can work on establishing healthy boundaries and relationships.

February 20

”I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.” Bob Hope

On our journey to recovery we discover that one of the important things that has been missing in our lives is a healthy expression of our emotions. Not only have we suppressed our negative feelings; anger, doubt, shame, regret and others, but we also discover that we have not truly expressed our positive emotions like happiness, content, joy and love. In connecting with our Higher Power and freeing ourselves of the burdens of our addictive behaviour we also gain the opportunity to rediscover our emotions. For many of us we need to relearn how to feel as we are emotionally immature to some degree. It is terrifying and exhilarating all a the same time to cry deeply, laugh without restraint, and love without condition. We can move along the path to wholeness and once again being a genuine person.

Affirmation I will dare to feel and embrace each moment of this day.