December 12 (52)

”Great souls have wills; feeble ones only have wishes.” Chinese Proverb

Trusting in my own will is not an easy thing as for too many years it has been corrupted by my addict. My heart, mind and soul have lived out of sync and are only beginning to work together in harmony. It’s no wonder that living for my addiction has caused so much damage to my soul, my spiritual connection and reservoir as I like to think of it. My self-centered acts and behaviours did nothing better than to cut me off from my Higher Power and any belief in something wonderfully greater than myself. My life was all about wishes and fantasies that were far from being based in reality. Thankfully the fabric of my soul can be repaired and the wellspring of spirituality can be replenished. It happens when I surrender, when I accept to put my life second, place my priorities behind those of the God of my understanding. It happens when I open myself in prayer, seeking guidance to following the will of my Higher Power, to be in service to others rather than being hell-bent on fulfilling my own desires. My soul does not require fame or fortune to be rich. It is satisfied when it is in harmony with the world around me, when it seeks love, compassion, joy, hope, honesty, integrity and serenity.   It need not wish for fulfillment, but rather seeks to share my gifts with others.

Affirmation I will take back power in my life by living for others, especially my Higher Power.

October 14

”If you wait for tomorrow, tomorrow comes. If you don’t wait for tomorrow, tomorrow comes.” Senegalese proverb

I heard something on the radio recently that gave me pause. The message was that God wants us to confront our problems, as the speaker put it, to be a giant-killer, as in relation to the story of David and Goliath. It was a message that I needed to hear, a reminder that one of the big concerns in my life was not going to change if I continued to do nothing about it. Tomorrow would come, and it would still be there, just as much as it is today. So I made a commitment to take action, to make a phone call that I had been procrastinating about for a few days. It has not yet solved the problem, but I am now moving towards a solution rather than turning away from it. I still don’t know what the end result will be, and that is where my faith in my Higher Power has to take over. Tomorrow will be here whether or not I do anything about it. My choice today is to look at what action I can take, what problems I need to face to start making a difference in my life. May God grant me the courage to change what I can.

Affirmation I will be a giant-killer today. I shall run towards my problems and face them.

October 13

”After winter comes the summer. After night comes the dawn. And after every storm, there comes clear, open skies.” Samuel Rutherford

The bad thing about life is that it is always changing. As much as I would like things to stay still, to freeze time at those points where I am happy and content, it simply doesn’t happen. Life keeps marching merrily along to its own beat, fulfilling some unseen design. The good thing about life is that it is always changing. I will get stuck in ruts and go through rough patches. There will be times when I am sad, feel blue, get ill or I am simply in a foul mood. These things will pass as life continues its journey all around me. My choice in the matter is how I want to travel along the river of life.  I can choose today to struggle against the current, to refuse to accept and acknowledge the events in my surroundings and to try to go in the opposite direction. I can choose to do very little, and simply float, letting the current take me where it wills. Or, I can decide to participate, to swim with the flow of events as I embrace the world as it unfolds. What will be your choice today? Me, I think my decision is to jump in and ride the waves, trusting in my Higher Power’s will.

Affirmation Change is all around me, a constant part of being alive. Today I will join it rather than fight it and see where I end up.

September 15

”A will finds a way.” Orson Svelt Marden

So many things in life are like a double-edged sword… the subject of will certainly is one of them for me. Trying to bend things to my will, well I have years of experience doing that, and more than ample examples of how my addict found a way, even against my better judgement. That was a total loss of will – me powerless and out-of-control. Recovery is showing me a new way, the will of the God of my understanding. It’s not all about me figuring out where my life is headed. It is about trusting in something bigger than me that knows better than I do what the future holds for me. It is opening myself up to the possibility that this “Other” wants the best for me and knows the way even though I probably cannot see it. It is faith become action that if I continue working my program, focus on me and what I can change, all the rest of the pieces are going to fall into place. It sounds a little crazy and too simple, yet it is working. Letting Go and Letting God has moved my life to such a better place than I ever thought possible. The program works if you work it!

Affirmation I am learning to let go to be open to the will of my Higher Power; it is a new and better way to live.

September 4

”Life’s most persistent and urgent question is ‘What are you doing for others?’” Martin Luther King Jr.

Reaching a more stable point in my life makes me ask the question “What next?” The program knows the answer, and it’s all captured in the 12th Step, “carrying the message to others.” The implication here is that now that the program has helped me rise out of my own pit of despair, I have a certain duty to share my message, strength and hope with others. My service work doesn’t have to stop at the doors of my meetings though. Being a grateful recovering sex addict hasn’t just improved me in terms of my addictive behaviours, but as a whole person. I am living more authentically in all aspects of my life. I have rediscovered talents and abilities within me that are meant to be shared with the world. In essence my spiritual awakening has been about the journey of learning how I am meant to serve my Higher Power. Being open to the will of the God of my understanding, listening for the good orderly direction in my mediation and reflection, is the primer for me to serve my fellow man. I am less self-centered than I used to be and more selfless – I want to share the happiness, joy and wisdom that has blessed my recovery and returned me to the person I was always meant to be.

Affirmation It is in giving that we receive; my gift of recovery is priceless. I can never repay the debt but I will share with any willing to listen.

July 12

”The important thing is this: to be ready at any moment to sacrifice what you are for what you could become.” Charles Dickens

I often question which choices are fulfilling the will of my Higher Power voice those that are of my own design. I think my place where this is least clear is in dealing with my spouse. Having made many efforts to reconcile, reading scripture and working through self-help books to improve my knowledge of the role I should be taking thus far have had little impact as my partner has barely begun their own journey of recovery. It is easy for me to doubt what the future holds and trust that my Higher Power knows what is best for me in the long term. I know the hard choice, loving when no love is returned, forgiving when no pardoning comes back, hoping when all seems hopeless, is the way I should be going yet as a human being I have limits. It is hard not to give in to frustration and despair. In times like these I need to turn back to my program, my outer circle, and do what I can to take care of me. If I concentrate on life a day at a time I let go of worrying about what the future holds and keep myself more open to the will of the God of my understanding.

Affirmation My sacrifice for today will be to follow the path that is difficult, but likely the best one for me in the long run.

February 19

”There is nothing good or evil save in the will.” Epictetus

It is normal for us as addicts to question if our past and present actions have been good or bad. However, it is important to keep in mind that our addiction is a disease, and mostly a disease of choice. Our dependence on our sexual behaviours compromises our ability to make the appropriate choices. Our sexual desire has become our primary instinct for survival, superseding our other basic needs for food, shelter and affection. The good news is that we can re-establish these priorities in our recovery. By working the steps of the program we can begin to re-adapt to our environment, to recognize our sexual cravings as unhealthy and find more appropriate responses to satisfy our needs and to cope with situations. We will be able to rediscover that we have the willpower to make choices other than the automated responses of our addictive behaviour. Regaining the power of choice grants us the ability to make better decisions for our recovery.

Affirmation I will make the best choices I can for today and I am ready to accept the consequences of my actions. I can trust in the support of my Higher Power and my group.