February 5

”Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” Matthew 7:7

Sometimes wisdom seems so easy when given to me, but so much harder to make a reality. I do believe that this quote is how my Higher Power operates. The reality is that I know the difficulties behind the words. To receive what I want or need, I need to ask the right question. To discover what I want or need, I first must know what it is I seek. To have opportunities and openings, I must know which door I need to knock at. Added to this, is the distinguishing of want and need, of my will and desire versus that of my Higher Power. So, if these sayings are to be meaningful and bear fruit in my life, I need some wisdom first to seek answers to questions that are part of the plan from the God of my understanding. The last component is to surrender. This means having patience to ask, and then be willing to leave the outcome in the hands of my power greater than myself. This means waiting for the answer to come in His time and way. And to hope that I am actually paying attention enough to realize that prayers have been answered.

Affirmation Prayer can and should contain requests of my wants and desires, but I have to be patient for the response which may be realized when or how I expected.

February 12

”You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction.” George Lorimer

As I reflect on  my life today as opposed to a few years ago when my addiction was very active, there are a number of striking differences. Probably one of the most significant is in terms of my sense of purpose. In my acting out days, I felt lost, without purpose, and as though I was simply going through the motions. Today, I have something to live for, something to strive to achieve, goals and dreams that I want to realize. The change has happened subtly and progressively. Probably the first stage was getting to a point where waking up meant that my purpose for the day was to be in recovery. That was 2 big accomplishments in one, first wanting to work my program, but also wanting to be in the moment and live for today. Today I sense a number of different avenues of purpose. And while recovery is still important, I have found an even greater purpose, and that is to continue to seek and be willing to follow the will of my Higher Power. It is more than just abstinence from my compulsive sexual behaviours, but a desire to be a servant and to give of myself to others. My spiritual aspect that used to be buried has now come to the forefront to lead me on my journey.

Affirmation I will find the strength, courage and ability to move with purpose as I surrender myself to the will of the God of my understanding.

November 22 (72)

”There are two ways to get enough. One is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less.” G. K. Chesterton

This quote certainly rings true in terms of my addiction. Until I found recovery, the desires to act out came from a seemingly bottomless pit. Nothing was ever enough, the demand was always there for more, more acting out in terms of increased frequency, greater risk, greater perversity, and greater duration. It was an impossible request to fulfill and not lose sight of everything else in my life that mattered. Finding the program gave me the first glimpses of being able to reduce that unquenchable desire. I never imagined that such a thing could be possible at first. But as I listened to the sharing of others and heard their stories of a gradual return to a more normal life, I found hope that I, too, could make my own way back to a saner life. The changes happened slowly, almost imperceptibly, yet in retrospect much faster than I could have imagined. I not only lost the urges to consistently act out, and in darker fashion, but I have gained the freedom to no longer have my every thought revolve around sexual fantasy and desire. It is an indescribable relief to be able to focus on the present moment, liberated from the iron-clad grasp of my addictive thinking.

Affirmation I can find a way out of the downward spiral into a place where my desire will lessen as I work the Steps of the program.