March 24

”We don't heal in isolation, but in community.” S. Kelley Harrell

Strange times, strange times indeed. The world today feels like it is collapsing inward. Self-isolation is the buzzword in every heart. As an addict, I have a love/hate relationship with isolation. My addict craved isolation, sought excuse after excuse to get those moments alone where it could be satisfied. And in early recovery I feared isolation, afraid to give that space for my addiction to increase it's tendrils of temptation. Thankfully I have a foundation of recovery, and a community that is a large part of that. It involves my sponsor, sponsees and fellow brothers and sisters in the program. It has expanded to include family and close friends, and I know I am not alone, not on my own to fight the daily battle to remain safe and sober. I am grateful for the 12 Steps and the guidance they have provided to lead me back to serenity and sanity. I have found an inner strength which has sprung forth from the depths of my pain and suffering. So I no longer fear isolation as I once did, for I have a strong network of support to keep me on the path of recovery.

Affirmation

I will take measures to ensure I am not isolating myself today, and reach out to someone who is there to support me and my recovery.

August 29

”Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire, be breaks out against all sound judgement.” Proverbs 18:1

I can easily relate to my fellow addicts when they talk about isolation and how it seems to be such an integral part of the addictive process. I have been there, and in recovery, a pull towards isolation is a warning sign of my addiction trying to influence my choices. I falsely believed that what was done in isolation affected only myself and was nobody’s business but my own. As I grow in recovery, I know that this is not true, and that isolation, usually, means that I am headed in the wrong direction. In isolation my addiction has power as it removes me from all the external positive influences in my life. As the second part of the quote goes, this is where I tend to lack the common sense I usually possess to distinguish good choices from poorer ones. Instead I find myself listening to the whispers of the little devil sitting on my shoulder. Not a good spot for me to find myself in for sure. All this is not to say that I can never be alone. There is a distinct and important difference. Being alone, when I am seeking solitude, is healthy and is an opportunity for me to slow down, reflect, ponder, meditate or dream. Isolating is more a deliberate act to push everything away, to cut myself off from the world around me. That is a sign of trouble ahead. I am learning how to accept being along and doing so in a positive way.

Affirmation

Isolation leads me down the wrong path, today I will work on being alone and finding solitude by working my program.

July 20

”Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much.” Helen Keller

I had a great, positive experience recently that also gave me a long time to reflect as well. It was a team obstacle course, and I was part of a fairly large team, most people whom I only met for the first time the day of the event. The challenges were spaced out a fair distance so there was lots of time to job between them. And most of the challenges were set up so that the team had to act in unison to help each other complete the tasks. Somehow, I found myself in front of the team about halfway through the course. Not believing that I could have surpassed them, I pressed on, determined to find the head of the pack, denying that it could be me given my current level of fitness. A few challenges later without site of any of my team mates, I started to slow down, eventually stopping before the final few event to let my friends catch up. That time alone made me think about the importance of sticking together. It also made me think of how my initial reaction often, when I feel alone or isolated, is to run further away, instead of slowing down to let people catch up to me. At the end of the event was a very difficult challenge that needed almost everyone’s assistance and participation to complete. I am grateful that I took that pause to be part of the team in overcoming that hurdle. It was a moment of service, celebration and triumph. And it would not have been the same if I had done it on my own.

Affirmation

Being part of a team or a group is an important part of my recovery. Whether or not I lead, or my presence is important to how the group functions and behaves.

March 26

”People are strange when you're a stranger Faces look ugly when you're alone Women seem wicked when you're unwanted Streets are uneven when you're down” The Doors

The word “isolation” in French translates to “insulation” in English. I’ve had some fresh reminders of what I am like when I isolate, and I see a resemblance to the insulation that is provided by my addiction. Insulation does two things, it keeps things in on one side, and out on the other. The insulation of my addiction keeps my feelings inside myself, not able to be released, and it keeps others from me by steering me to isolate and keep to myself. There are still many old habits that can innocently sneak up on me to send me back down the path of my middle and inner circles. Simply having a few more drinks than normal, watching too much TV, resisting going to sleep at a good hour, or other such activities can weaken resolve. Often for me, these are coupled by a lack of good outer circle behaviours like getting to a meeting, reaching out, journaling, prayer and meditation. This combination of less desirable actions with less attention to working my program can easily lead to a slippery slope. I’m recognizing that this sets my up to a state where I do feel like I am insulated, where a barrier is up in front of my emotional centre and where I am less enthusiastic about staying connected to others. This needs to be a warning to me that I am not in a good space. The insulation has a cost, and I no longer need or deserve to fulfill the desires of my addiction, I am worth more than that.

Affirmation When life gets a little too comfortable, when I don’t feel like making a true effort, I need to stop and evaluate where I am and make sure I am safe.

February 24

”It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company.” George Washington

I’m not sure it’s always better to be alone. I spent many years being bad company to myself, without the help of anybody else. I was quite capable of finding ways to keep myself occupied and mostly in ways that I am not proud to share now. My addiction liked to keep me isolated as that was part of keeping me under control. On the other hand, being in poor company is not necessarily a better option. Peer pressure can have a big impact on affecting how I act and the choices that I make. Getting caught up in the momentum of a party or group setting can encourage me to engage in activities that I wouldn’t normally consider. This is why part of me recovery program focuses on the people I keep in my entourage. From those I have met in the program, to family and friends, I have needed to evaluate which relationships are nurturing from those which are toxic. These influences have the ability to strengthen or weaken my resolve and determination to stick with my steps and my path of sobriety.

Affirmation Relationships play a huge part in maintaining my program of recovery, and I will seek to keep the healthy ones going. I will resolve to let the poor influencers go their own way.

September 29

”To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.” Clara Ortega

My father has always tried to impress the importance of family on me and my sister. I remember from an early age his advice to keep my relationship healthy and vibrant with her, as at some point she will be the only family I have left. I didn’t think much about it as a child, the idea that my parents would one day be gone from my life was not something I could understand. As I grew older, and began a family of my own, the words of my father began to make more sense and take hold in my life. Yet, in the midst of my illness, my family too suffered as I isolated myself from them, their love, care and guidance, just like I din from everyone else who mattered. Thankfully some bridges can be repaired, and my relationship with my family is much strong in my recovery than it has been in quite some time. A blessing, and sometimes a curse, as no one else understands me quite the same way they do. Family is a critical part of my outer circle, a place where I need to make amends for the past, but also a place of support and caring. It is the foundation of my world, the birthplace of my morals and values, and an integral part of my emotional maturity. Indeed, there is no place like home.

Affirmation There are certain people in my life who are important to my recovery. I will make time for them today to connect and maintain the relationship to support my growth.

June 9

”We teach others how to treat us.” Anonymous

I recall that from my early years I never really felt like I fit in, that I was never one of the crowd. In my teens I wrote a lot of poetry, and most of it was about my teen angst and depression. One poem that still comes easily to mind was titled Nobody, with one of the key lines being, “but who really cares about a nobody like me.” It’s only been in my recovery that I have begun to question how much of that attitude was deserved or received by others, and how much it was exactly what I wanted to project to keep others at a distance. Being alone, consider a loner, was certainly beneficial to my addiction that was laying its foundation in me in those years. Not having anyone that could get too close to me enable me to begin building my double-life. I used to blame it on my academics, but I think it was an aura that I was subconsciously emitting to push people away. This is a character defect that I am asking my Higher Power to help me with, to stop portraying the mask that I would rather be on my own, when the opposite is the truth. I know that I want and need closeness, real intimacy in my relations with my family, my friends and that special someone that I want to share my life with. I want to re-teach others how I want, and now know, that I deserve to be treated.

Affirmation I am gaining awareness of all the ways, obvious and subtle, that I have isolated myself from reality. God help me stay present and connected to life.

November 16 (78)

”Because no retreat from the world can mask what is in your face.” Gregory Maguire

I do remember periods of my youth where I was teased about wearing my heart on my sleeve, where I was too sensitive. Maybe those remarks conflicted with how I saw I was supposed to be as I matured – less emotional, with a tougher skin. Yet I know that I kept some of my emotional displays throughout my life, for example I have always cried at the sad and touching parts of movies, even when at the theatre. There are other places where I should have taken notice to understand how poorly I hide my emotions. I have never been the best card player; I certainly have little aptitude for a “poker face.” So as much as  I thought I was  good at hiding my double life, I only really succeeded as well as I did by all the extra effort I put into my “good” persona while at the same time keeping everyone at arm’s length. The isolation prevented anyone from getting to know me too well. Since finding the program I have found a place where I do not have to hide my feelings. I can be myself, feel at ease being honest and open about how things are really going in my life. It is a freedom I never expected to find, being able to take off my mask and just be. This is a gift from my Higher Power and the program which I cherish.

Affirmation My emotions are an important part of who I am and I will learn to accept them and appreciate the richness they add in my life.

November 4 (90)

”It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself.” Eleanor Roosevelt

During a sharing session I had a spark of insight that linked a few behavioural patterns together that I had not realized previously. When I get into a period of stinkin’ thinkin’, part of my middle circle behaviours, I tend to isolate, usually from those closest to me – friends, family and members of the program alike. I used to think that it was primarily to give myself the extra space to keep feeding my addiction. I also discovered that in a twisted way, as my addictive thinking can be, it is also a way to try and protect those I care about. Pushing away or retreating into my shell keeps people away from me when I am in a bad place and when I am more likely to do something to harm others. Guess I should include harming myself in there too, I know better now. The opposite is the truth though, that by isolating I am removing myself from the people who are most likely my best advocates for my recovery and who support me in continuing to do the right things. This is still a challenge, to realize that I need not face everything on my own. That I can ask for help and it’s alright. That I deserve to live better. That I will face difficulties that make me want to run away. God give me the courage to accept those people in my life who support me.

Affirmation If I am willing to go out on a limb for another member in need, I need to remember that it is okay for someone to reach out to me.

September 11

”Don’t allow the grass to grow on the path of friendship.” Native American Proverb

Friends – here is another regret from my past. I have always complained that I have never had many. In retrospect, it was probably a lot of my own doing. True, I didn’t really fit in when I was younger, but I can’t honestly say that I didn’t find ways to isolate myself further. Fear of someone getting close, discovering my other life, certainly was cause enough to push people away. I encouraged grass to grow on my paths of friendship, no one was ever really allowed into my world. You would have needed a machete at least, most probably some heavy duty bush clearing machinery, to try to get to know the real me. So finding a group of like-minded individuals in the program, who shared openly and honestly about all aspects of life in addiction, was a game changer. What freedom the group offered, no longer did I have to hide that darker side of me. I have learned that through honesty I can make friends. I have gained confidence and trust that I can be myself the same way as I am in meetings outside the walls of our rooms. Today I am making slow progress in establishing new friendships, a skill that I had forgotten in my youth. It feels wonderful being able to connect to others and the world around me once again.

Affirmation I have the ability to turn anything in my life around. Through the steps I can turn isolation into friendship and fellowship.

April 3

”I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.” Galileo Galilee

There are days when it is hard being in recovery, when I wish I was not there because before some things were easier to cope with. These are usually the times I don’t want to let in my feelings, when I am searching for the off-switch to my emotional parts. I remember how I survived so many tragedies in that zombie-like trance where nothing fazed me, where no feelings came in or were let out of my being. The trouble is that there were too many negative side effects from living like that. I no longer want to live in that cold, dark isolation. As much as Galileo saw our strengths in our sense, reason and intellect, I believe more and more that it is our emotions that set us apart from other species. It is not our logic that drives us with passion or that motivates us with fervour. Why else would we talk about the agony of defeat, the joy of victory, or any other state that can only be described by attaching emotion? It is our feelings that connect us, that make us human.

Affirmation I will rejoice in my emotions, positive and negative. They are a reminder of my humanity and my connection to those around me.