June 9

”We teach others how to treat us.” Anonymous

I recall that from my early years I never really felt like I fit in, that I was never one of the crowd. In my teens I wrote a lot of poetry, and most of it was about my teen angst and depression. One poem that still comes easily to mind was titled Nobody, with one of the key lines being, “but who really cares about a nobody like me.” It’s only been in my recovery that I have begun to question how much of that attitude was deserved or received by others, and how much it was exactly what I wanted to project to keep others at a distance. Being alone, consider a loner, was certainly beneficial to my addiction that was laying its foundation in me in those years. Not having anyone that could get too close to me enable me to begin building my double-life. I used to blame it on my academics, but I think it was an aura that I was subconsciously emitting to push people away. This is a character defect that I am asking my Higher Power to help me with, to stop portraying the mask that I would rather be on my own, when the opposite is the truth. I know that I want and need closeness, real intimacy in my relations with my family, my friends and that special someone that I want to share my life with. I want to re-teach others how I want, and now know, that I deserve to be treated.

Affirmation I am gaining awareness of all the ways, obvious and subtle, that I have isolated myself from reality. God help me stay present and connected to life.