February 3

”Compassion is the antitoxin of the soul: where there is compassion even the most poisonous impulses remain relatively harmless.” Eric Hoffer

I recall life in my active addiction, and that all too frequent feeling of being a passenger within my own body as if some other entity was in control. I can remember multiple occasions where I awoke from a trance-like state in the middle of acting out, without any clear recollection of how I got to where I was. I didn’t fully comprehend the grasp that those compulsive behaviours had on me, nor did I truly know how to stop them. It was not until I found the rooms of my S-group that I truly began to comprehend my situation. Certainly one of the first things I noticed was the compassion and understanding present within all those occupying the seats around the table. I was finally surrounded by others who could relate, and for the first time in a long time, I did not feel alone. It would still take a good deal of time within the confines of those rooms to free myself from the confines of my mind. Yet the support I received during meetings, in step groups, and back in the “real world” helped me along my path to resisting those toxic impulses. Even more amazing, I witnessed several times where the sharing of my own pain, and my resurfacing compassion, were of use to someone else struggling with this painful addiction. Life is truly amazing, thanks to my Higher Power.

Affirmation

There is a tremendous power in the compassion of the human spirit; I will be open to others in the program to help support me on my journey today.

December 19

”No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and be enslaved to money.” Matthew 6:24

I’ve used many different ways to describe living with addiction, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, feeding two wolves, and others. There is a distinct dichotomy that exists within, the addict and the rest of me. Like any mental illness, the hardest struggle in dealing with my disease happens internal, unseen and mostly unknown to those around me. I tried for years to serve both masters, the normal person at work, with my family and friends, and the addict in secret, in the dark places and quiet hours. Yet although I thought I was in control and was managing, the truth was that I was only fooling myself and eventually those around me. I could not love both at the same time. I could not commit to both equally. I could not support them both with enough energy and effort to sustain them without the other suffering. And for too long, the dominate side was my addiction. Today, through the steps and friends in the program, I have found a new balance. It is the tools of recovery and my outer circle activities and behaviours that dictate the flow of my life. In focusing on new, positive ways of embracing the challenges of life, I am no longer enslaved by my addiction.

Affirmation

The hope of the program, of my Higher Power, is gaining freedom to be myself and not a slave to my addictive behaviours.

November 23

”A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience.” Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

I was reminded recently of how working my program on a consistent basis opens me to new insights. After attending a few meetings in close proximity, I uncovered a new perspective on this addiction. I have struggled a bit in the past as the professional community is pretty mixed on whether or not sex addiction is truly an addiction. But what I have come to realize is that it does not matter. You see, being in my meeting rooms made me aware of how much wisdom is present in all of us struggling with this affliction. There is ample proof that we are ordinary people capable of great things and deep thoughts and reflection. Yet at the same time, we also struggle against something more powerful than us which occasionally takes away that ability. Call it an addiction or not, the 12 Steps and the program of recovery have worked for me, like it has and continues to work for others, to regain a sense of balance and normalcy. This is why each day I make a promise to be in recovery. It is why I need to work my program, to pray and meditate, go to meetings, work the steps, reach out to members. It is why I need to do the other basic things in life like sleep properly, eat well, and exercise. It is also why I need to spend quality time with friends and love ones, play and have fun, and live in the present. These are all the components of my program, and if they do not come first, then there is something else waiting in the wings to fill in the time. That is my reality as an addict. Period.

Affirmation

My recovery is my own to define, to follow and it is my responsibility to maintain. Others can help keep me on track, but in the end I need to put in my own time, energy and effort.

April 16

“Life is a sum of all your choices.” Albert Camus

This is the place I keep coming back to, the decision place. My life cannot simply just happen, things do not just automatically occur. There are always choices to be made, paths to be followed, and actions to be taken. In this endeavour, I am somewhat handicapped by my addiction, this disease of choice, which has placed within me a path which takes priority unless I consciously choose otherwise. So it goes, each day a struggle, an ongoing battle against an enemy that lives within me, in my thoughts and deeds. I tried explaining this to someone close to me, and the best example I could come up was to compare it to having a constant craving for chocolate. If this was me, then there are days when it is easier, when I can be at home, at work, or elsewhere and not come across any chocolate, and thus fight back the craving. Other days I might come across it only a few times, and find the strength to resist the temptation. Yet other days are like Valentine’s Day, Halloween or Christmas where chocolate is everywhere I turn, and the fight is very present and real to stay away. Yet most of this war is fought within my thoughts, unbeknownst to those around me. There are little outward signs of my struggle that constantly rages within. I guess maybe that is the reason that I continue to go through periods where I get lay and stop making the right choices. Combatting my disease is at times exhausting and I just want to take a break and get away. But I can never get away, the only thing that happens when I decided to relax my program is that my addiction is given more freedom to influence my life. So it is back to work, to pick up my sword and continue to work against this illness, to fight, fight, fight for my life.

Affirmation

I choose to be in recovery today. I choose to make the sane choices, to move away from those that feed my addiction. I choose to be free!

October 6

”If you don’t create change, change will create you.” Anonymous

I’m beginning to understand addiction as a disease of choice. My addiction began slowly, spreading slow tendrils and roots of illness by corrupting my small choices, by offering glimpses of instant gratification. Gradually the choices grew in consequence and in severity. And by the time I realized I was in trouble, there were thousands of connections that had been made and I was in a veritable web of deceit, shame and guilt. Yet even still, trapped as I was, I still retained the power of choice. My addiction, even with all the lies and deception, could not remove that basic principle. It certainly tried hard to cover up alternatives, to make only the choices that related to my addiction seem attractive or even possible. But the power of choice remained, however slight the chance remained that I could choose another path. Recovery is my process to change my choice-making behaviours. It is an exercise in awareness that lifts the fog that surrounds me, the blinding wall of falsehoods that my addiction built to protect its dominion. It’s a building of confidence that I can rely on different ways to cope with life, instead of continuing to blindly follow the choices that now create more harm than help. It’s the power once again to create, to rejoice, to rejuvenate, to live. It is also the opportunity to choose to relinquish control over those things I cannot change to my Higher Power, to focus on the limited number of things within my direct sphere of influence. It’s simply the choice to change.

Affirmation

Growth comes as I begin to see my addiction from the perspective of recovery, and start to understand this disease from which I have suffered for long enough.

March 1

”Ego has a voracious appetite, the more you feed it, the hungrier it gets.” Nathaniel Bronner Jr.

Hmm, I can relate a little to appetite, my addiction certainly has one. And it was an appetite that tended to have no end, a bottomless pit that was never satisfied. And based on the number of years I was in it, I would certainly agree that it got hungrier and hungrier over time. What I needed to consume to satisfy the craving had to get bigger, riskier, or simply more. My recovery had to look at ways to starve my addiction, to take away all the food and attention I was giving to it. Some of that work was fairly easy, but it only took me so far in helping to push away my cravings. Eventually I realized that my addiction was covering up a deeper need. And that need was my spirituality that had been covered, ignore, and displaced for too many years. The best way for me to defeat my addiction was to find the ways to nourish my soul. This is where focusing on my outer circle became crucial. Making new habits, focusing on all the healthy ways to take care of myself is what worked to diminish my dependence on my addiction.

Affirmation The choices I make can feed my recovery, or feed my addiction. I will pray for the guidance of the God of my understanding to make the right decisions.

February 12

”Habits are cobwebs at first; cables at last.” Chinese Proverb

How true this is! My addiction was not something that came in like a tidal wave, strong and overpowering, taking control in a single motion. It began as a small river, slowly eroding away at the bank, carving a slow, steady path into my life. Over the days, weeks and years that constant stream of water ran deeper, grew wider and stronger, and gained momentum. Recovery started in damage control, throwing sandbanks along the river’s edge to stop the water that was flooding parts of my life. Since then, it’s been about creating new pathways for the river to flow, ones that are healthy and maintained, and created with purpose, not left to run wildly along, uncontrolled and unmanaged. The damage from the river of my addiction is likely to stay. Even should the waters fully recede, the dry riverbed will remain, waiting to accept new water at any time. My task in recovery is to keep the waters diverted to their new routes, through the diligence of working my program.

Affirmation My addiction crept into my life slowly, and so too will my new program of recovery. With time and persistence, my actions will change for the better of myself and those around me.

January 17

”Wisdom begins with the sacrifice of immediate pleasure for long-range purposes.” Louis Finkelstein

There’s the truth of my addiction, all neatly wrapped up into one simple quote. Its goal is not wisdom, but chaos, as its focus is not on the long-term, but only the immediate pleasure. If this is what consumes me, then I will not succeed in achieving purposeful goals. My decisions will not be made to support a healthy path in life with great accomplishment. Rather, I will simply continue to exist between my periods of acting out and preparing to act out, driven by the guilt and shame that fuels the darkness within. Sacrifice, this is a pretty harsh, brutal word. Yet I must sacrifice the instant gratification if I hope to find serenity and sobriety. If I don’t, then I will continue to sacrifice myself to my compulsive and unmanageable desires. The sacrifice to my addiction is a fatal path, of this I am certain. Sacrificing my addict, however, is liberation and an opportunity for a new life. I am grateful that I have found SAA and the 12-Steps to help me begin making the sacrifice of surrendering my will and letting go of those immediate urges and cravings. It is neither easy nor obvious, but it’s a necessity for my own preservation.

Affirmation I will seek my Higher Power in help me resist the immediate temptations, to ride out the wave of craving to the calmness that will follow.

January 11

”Yeah ain't it just amazing, how a God can tend a broken man. Yeah let him find a fortune and then ruin it with his own two hands.” Lyrics from Difference Maker by Needtobreathe

I recently watched the movie Thanks for Sharing, another film that challenges the subject of sex addiction. It`s challenged a number of areas of my life, not just for myself, but for some people close to me who also choose to watch the film. I am grateful for opportunities to discuss my recovery. On the other hand, I still get a sinking feeling in my gut when asked about my past behaviours – there still remain traces of my shame and guilt from my actions. The movie allowed me to see once again how much my life has changed since finding the program. I related well enough to the characters still stuck in active addiction. Yet at the same time it was a sobering reminder that my serenity and recovery is fragile and that my addiction is still lurking. Relapse can happen any time, and my program needs to be something I am continually working. It`s also brought to light how important some of my new relationships are, and how I cannot afford to take them or the people around me for granted. Still, I need to be selfish enough to put my recovery first, for with it none of the rest of the good things in my life will be possible. And to all my fellow brothers and sisters in recovery, thanks for listening, and thanks for sharing.

Affirmation Recovery is a daily activity that I need to continue to work at to maintain this new life of serenity and sobriety.

October 16

”Fate leads the willing, and drags along the reluctant.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I firmly believe that addiction, and I include all types in my definition, is a disease of choice. That my uncontrollable and unmanageable craving is caused by an illness that affects my ability to make rational decisions, and which circumvents my capacity to recognize the consequences of my actions. Having come to this belief has also increased my fear of being able to make good choices in my recovery. The problem is that life is full of choices. In fact, it’s probably what we spend most of our time doing, from the very simple tasks of taking care of ourselves, our surroundings, or doing our job, to the larger choices of setting goals, working towards dreams, etc. So I suppose it should come as no surprise that there are times when I shy away from making choices. As Patrick Carnes points out in his Recovery Zone series, decisions come at the cost of some sort of loss, something is cut away as the origin of the word suggests. Deciding to eat healthier means giving up some of my comfort foods. Deciding to exercise means giving up some time lazing around doing nothing. Deciding to be in recovery means having the willingness to cut out my addict. All these decisions come at a cost. The problem is, the decisions have to be made, the price paid, in order for me to move on. And this can be why it seems hard to make choices, especially the right ones.

Affirmation Decisions are a part of my life. While the cost of a choice might seem steep right now, chances are the long term effects will more than offset the price I will pay.

August 26

”Even in the darkness there is something to be learned.” Scott Stewart

Fear. Envy. Anger. Greed. Jealousy. Hatred. Evil. War. These are some of the many shades of darkness. For me as a child, these were aspects of sin, of the failure to live up to the standards of God as written in the Bible. My addiction is certainly my personal heart of darkness. Black as coal. Slick as oil. Dark as night. Life has many tints of light and darkness in it as well. It’s found in the places I go, the people I met, the experiences that I live. The dichotomy of light and dark, good and evil, life and death, exists in almost everything around me. In my journey of recovery, I have had to learn to not only endure the darkness, but to plunge willing into it, to embrace and explore it in an attempt to gain understanding. In short, in order to shed some light on it. It is only in doing so, in learning the truth about my other side, my other self, that I have been able to put things into perspective. This knowledge gives me the power to deflate the ego of my addict, to dispel the lies and exaggerations that held me captive for so many years. It is this understanding of the worst side of me that has given me the promise to bring forth the best into the world.

Affirmation I am not good or evil, light or dark, but a myriad of colors, ever changing. In my willingness to explore all the corners of my being, I will grow and become stronger.

January 10

”In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” Albert Camus

Life at the bottom of my addiction was cold, dark and empty. I was more like a zombie than I cared to admit, no heart, no spirit, no emotion, a puppet on strings just going through the motions. I cared for nothing, about nothing or anyone, including myself. I was in a hole and there was no light, no heat, no escape. Somehow my Higher Power saw fit to put something in front of me that caught my eyes – of all things a presentation on addictions. For whatever reason, there was a glimmer of hope that I could find a different way, but also, after a few decades of insanity, the beginnings of the realization that I was ill and had a problem. It is from those depths that I have risen, and continue to flourish as I grow in the program. It has happened in small, painstaking steps with the occasional leap of faith. In most respects it has been a steady journey forward, as I discover myself, let go of my past, shame and guilt, find my strengths and grow in spirit. I continue to learn through my experiences and those of others that as a human being we can suffer greatly yet still come out a survivor to wondrous things. I am grateful for my second lease on life.

Affirmation From the darkest place I can find my way back into the light with continued faith in my Higher Power.

November 9 (85)

”Gastronomy is the art of using food to create happiness.” Theodore Zeldin

It’s interesting that there are certain subjects that are considered specialities, such as gastronomy or “haute-cuisine”, being a wine connoisseur or a collector of fine art where there is an associated perception of a privileged or higher class. Yet these are also things that can be abused and are addictions. I wondered when reflecting on this quote what a sex connoisseur would look like, if such a thing did or could exist...maybe this ties into a master of the Kama Sutra or tantric sex realms? Really my question comes back to perceptions, how certain things or behaviours are socially acceptable, or at least tolerable, and how some are given an elevated status and yet others are completely abhorred. Sex addiction I think is still far from being an acceptable subject, and likely to remain given the broad spectrum of acts and behaviours that fall into this category. Alcoholism and even to some extent drug addiction are topics that can enter into normal conversation, yet one only needs check the daily news to see how we still treat sexual deviancy. Perhaps someday the stigma will lessen and it will be more acceptable to group sex addiction with the others. Until then, I am at least happy that there is still help and fellowship within all the S-groups.

Affirmation Sex can be something to create happiness, but I think I prefer when it reflects happiness that already exists within me.