September 3

”You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.” Beverly Sills

Most people don’t like failure. The addict in me is scared to death of failure. It’s one of my biggest reasons to want to run away from the possibility and pain of making a mistake, of looking like a fool, of not living up to everyone else’s standards. So there are times in my life where I have regrets because I chose not to act, not to face the potential of falling flat on my face. There is also a lot of shame from the times where I did try and failed, and then refused to try again. My life is not meant to be lived for others; my success is not determined by what others think of me or how they perceive me. I know today that my worth is determined by how well I seek to do the will of my Higher Power. I am not in competition with anyone. I am far from perfect. I am permitted to make mistakes. In fact, I think I would even say I am encouraged to make mistakes. It is how I am learning to do things differently. Giving up is rarely an option. I no longer seek to bury my head in the sand. Living means participating, trying new things, and sometimes falling flat on my face. Through my Higher Power I have the courage to get back on my feet and give it another go.

Affirmation Disappointment is more about how others perceive me that about who I am. There is no shame in trying and not succeeding, as long as I continue to try again.

December 19

” The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” Mark Twain

There are days when I just don’t feel like being in recovery. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel, give up, lie down in the road and just wait for the next disaster to steamroller over me. Let’s face it, recovery is hard work. It doesn’t happen on a whim, because I think it should, but because I choose to make it happen. Like anything in life, if I try to tackle all of my recovery at once, I will certainly feel like I am overwhelmed and not have much desire to get started. Thankfully the program is broken down into multiple steps, designed to guide me along my recovery gradually. I still need to put the work into each step to keep moving through the process. I know also that I have a network of other that I can rely on to support me and offer suggestions if I am feeling lost. My addiction didn’t surface overnight, nor will my recovery appear as fast. This is a lengthy journey I have embarked upon, and there will be moments where I want to give up. But, then again, returning to the way things used to be, the way I used to live, isn’t’ a viable option either. I will find the resolve to continue forging ahead, one step at a time.

Affirmation One pace, one foot forward, one inch at a time. Progress may come in small doses, but each on is a distancing from my old ways of living.

August 30

”Being defeated is only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.” Marilyn vos Savant

How easy it is for me to give up. It only takes a moment of doubt that I cannot do it, cannot go on any longer and before I know it my actions have followed suit. Defeat starts in my own head; it is not something that comes from an external source, from fate, God or any power greater than me. I am defeated when I choose to be. I am not trying to confuse this with losing. I can, and do, lose at many things. Or perhaps more positively worded, I do not always succeed. But I always have the option to try again. If it is something important enough, worthy for my journey in life, then I need to pick myself up, brush off the dirt, and take the next step. I can see in retrospect that it takes work to give up on many things. It is not usually a simple task to let something go. I need to make excuses, find reason to beat myself down as to why I won’t succeed, find someone or something to blame my failures on – all time and energy I could be using to try again. It is a little like learning that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile – and smiling always makes me feel better.

Affirmation Today I choose to smile, to dance in the rain, to be a light in the dark, and to keep on keeping on.

May 25

”Don’t compromise yourself, you are all you’ve got.” Janis Joplin

Some days are harder than others. There are times when I wonder how much of my effort is put into things that can no longer be salvaged. I find myself internally conflicted about how hard I am supposed to fight for the things I still love and care about. When I lead from my heart I usually feel I am doing the right thing, but if I think too much it often seems I start to doubt my own intentions. I still struggle with trying to follow the right pas while at the same time being open to the guidance of my Higher Power. As much as there is a part of me that feels I need to hold on to what is dear to me, another part believes in the “if you love it let it go; if it comes back then it is yours” philosophy. In the midst of all this I need to constantly remind myself that my recovery, my serenity and sanity, is most important. I have to focus on what is within my control, which means taking care of me by working my program and performing actions that support my outer circle. I cannot control others, and can only pray that my heart’s desires will be fulfilled if I continue to patiently work away in the background.

Affirmation As hard as it may be, I need to remain focused on myself. Improving relationships takes two and I will practice patience until both parties are willing to move forward.