March 31

”Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.” Lao-Tzu

I used to be attracted to the idea of being famous, of having enough “celebrity status” to influence people and to be able to make a difference. Yet the more I learn in my journey about being truly happy and about how I can make a real difference in the world, the more I realize that best way to go is to work on myself. It’s in mastering myself that I will become an attractive point of change. It’s a lot like the 11th tradition, that our group seeks to grow, not through promotion, but by attraction. When something is good and truly works, people will be drawn to it. There is also the aspect of service. Being well-known, being someone recognized as a leader, as the take-charge kind of person is one thing. But to be a servant, I believe, is even more powerful. The names that come to mind – Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Princess Diana – provide strong examples of the power of servitude. So allowing myself ot be a good servant, to work to help others grow and succeed is by no means a misplaced effort. I think there are professions which are like this by their very nature, nursing and teaching come immediately to mind, among others. If I think about people whom I would consider truly wise and strong, they certainly fit into the category of knowing themselves well. They are people who are not focused on others first, but in being living examples of what they believe. I am here to live my own life, no one else’s, so it makes sense that I need to have the best relationship with myself that is possible.

Affirmation

In learning about myself I will become a centre of change and make the difference I want to see in the world.

August 26

”Even in the darkness there is something to be learned.” Scott Stewart

Fear. Envy. Anger. Greed. Jealousy. Hatred. Evil. War. These are some of the many shades of darkness. For me as a child, these were aspects of sin, of the failure to live up to the standards of God as written in the Bible. My addiction is certainly my personal heart of darkness. Black as coal. Slick as oil. Dark as night. Life has many tints of light and darkness in it as well. It’s found in the places I go, the people I met, the experiences that I live. The dichotomy of light and dark, good and evil, life and death, exists in almost everything around me. In my journey of recovery, I have had to learn to not only endure the darkness, but to plunge willing into it, to embrace and explore it in an attempt to gain understanding. In short, in order to shed some light on it. It is only in doing so, in learning the truth about my other side, my other self, that I have been able to put things into perspective. This knowledge gives me the power to deflate the ego of my addict, to dispel the lies and exaggerations that held me captive for so many years. It is this understanding of the worst side of me that has given me the promise to bring forth the best into the world.

Affirmation I am not good or evil, light or dark, but a myriad of colors, ever changing. In my willingness to explore all the corners of my being, I will grow and become stronger.

December 5 (59)

”Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” Will Rogers

Learning about the program is a great help. Having the literature, listening to others, absorbing all the tools and tricks is a part of my recovery. But at some point I need to take action. Leaving my Green book beside my bed is not going to magically transform my behaviours. I need to read and then apply the new knowledge I gain. Just as listening to other people is great, but if I don’t try some of the tools that have worked for others, I can’t expect to be getting better. This is the part of the Serenity Prayer, accepting the things I can change, that I need to be focused on. If I want to stop acting out and behaving like I used to, well then I need to be doing things differently. It’s my task to start making the changes in my life, big or small, to put into practice my program of recovery. That’s why it’s called a program; there is a practical and applicable part that requires me to get involved. Progress will only happen if I am making some kind of effort. The onus is on me; I am the only one who can change what needs to be changed. It is not going to suddenly happen when I get a new job/relationship/life but when I decide that it’s time.

Affirmation I am my own master of my recovery. With the support of my Higher Power and friends in the program, I will take each step forward towards surrender.

November 6 (88)

”Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” Benjamin Spock

This is a hard thing to do some days…trusting myself. Thinking back, that sentiment is what led me down many paths that weren’t the best decisions. Yet, honestly, at the same time, if I consider the person that I am now and who I am becoming, I do trust myself a great deal more than I used to. And, apparently, as is continuously evident in my God-given talent to keep filling these pages, I do know more than I think I do. Or at the very least, I am open to being a vessel for the inspiration of my Higher Power to flow through me and into these passages. Sometimes I even pay attention and listen! Learning to forgive myself has been a big challenge. I have caused real harm, hurt real people, and there are many regrets that I have which I may never be able to properly amend. It’s not right, fair, nor anything I can control. Part of my acceptance is being willing to let God present those opportunities for amends when and if they are part of His plans, not my own. If they come or don’t, there is a lesson for me to learn, and many other things I can focus on doing better. Life is full of surprises, but I am becoming more capable of handling events as they rise, accepting situations as they unfold and finding my part to play. I thank my Higher Power regularly for the continuing guidance and insight which continues to keep me headed in the right direction.

Affirmation In time doubt will be replaced with faith, fear with trust, and I will move forward with confidence and purpose.

June 27

”You get nowhere with theories. Try to be simple and always take the next step…So climb down from the mountain…and follow your nose. This is your way and the straightest.” Carl Jung

It’s a great aide for me to go to meetings, to read all the literature I can get my hands on, and to be open to listening to the experience, strength and hope shared by others. But the only way for me to change is to start applying those tools and principles in my life. The theory is terrific but will not have any effect unless I transform it into action. I recall being very enthusiastic and reading and absorbing everything I could when I first discovered the fellowship. I soon became saturated with knowledge, yet found myself still discouraged, still floundering in middle and inner circle behaviour. It took a little while to realize that having all this knowledge wasn’t enough, I actually had to do something with it and put it into practice. These days I am living my program. I have several tools that I have found work well in my life and I make use of them on a regular basis. I am still reading literature and garnishing information from others, but my focus is more on how I can use that knowledge to reinforce my own program or add in a new tool. I know my actions speak louder than words in showing others how my life is changing.

Affirmation Today I commit to living in recovery and showing my new way of being through my actions.