March 19

”I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.” W. B. Yeats

It’s scary business being a recovering addict some days. Lifting the fog of my compulsive behaviours continues to show me how large the world around me really is, how much there is being offered, and how many things I dream and strive to realize as I set goals. Each day is a new story, a new miracle, waiting to be discovered. I am so grateful that I can dream big, that I am gaining the confidence that these dreams are not simply things that will stay in my thoughts, confined to my wandering mind, but can actually be made real. It is wonderful to know that I have the skills, resources, and willpower to take meaningful steps towards achieving my biggest wishes. In dealing with my past I am learning to push past my fears, to ignore the tape reel in my head that I am not worthy, capable or deserving of success, prosperity and happiness. I know that with my Higher Power anything is possible. I am learning how to ask for the resources, tools, and strength to pursue my dreams. I am no longer my worst enemy in preventing a happy, wholesome and hearty life. I will be all that I can be.

Affirmation My dreams may be a carpet, but I will no longer treat them as something to be walked all over. They are precious and I will cherish, nurture and achieve them.

February 27

”Turn your face to the sunshine and all shadows fall behind.” Helen Keller

I have referred to my past as a shadow, a scar, a darkness, a deep pit, an angry wolf and other names in a similar vein. It’s not something that I typically look at from any sort of positive view. It is a stain on my soul, on my being, that I wish I could was away. But it is not so temporary. I have a choice today, a choice to let that murky past overshadow my present, to be the little black cloud over my head that follows everywhere that I go. Or, I can choose to leave the past where it belongs, behind me, and turn towards the sun and the good choices I am making in recovery. This is one of the great freedoms I have found since finding the program, the ability to choose to live in the present and find the positive in the world around me. In my journey so far, there have even been moments where I have looked at my shadow-self and embraced it. Although I may not welcome all that has happened, I am at least grateful that it was part of what brought me here to this moment. It was not perhaps the best way I could have reached where I am, but then again, maybe it was the path I was meant to follow. I would not be the same person without all the experiences that have come my way.

Affirmation I have a good power in being able to decide today, right now, how to view my past, and to let it darken my skies, or to rejoice and give thanks for letting it bring me to this moment.

November 30

”Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, ‘It might have been.’” Kurt Vonnegut

Some of my greyest days are those when I find myself wishing that things had been different, regretting choices I made or the roads I took. My thoughts can trigger these episodes, or can things around me. Running across some old photos, having someone around me reminisce about a past event, or simply running into someone I haven’t seen in a while. It can be challenging to pull myself back into the present, to stay current. Letting go of the past, in many ways Letting Go and Letting God, is required to leave behind what can no longer be changed. But I do recognize that I need to face some of these issues in order to have some finality with them and move on. There are lessons to be learned. My ability to choose is a much greater gift than I have considered in the past. So many things I do have repercussions days, weeks, months or even years later, and I cannot always appreciate that in the moment. It behooves me to see guidance, to surrender to the will of my Higher Power, to make good choices today that will lay the foundation for a better and brighter future.

Affirmation Coulda, woulda, shoulda thinking will not change the past. Let me focus on what I can do today to make good decisions that support my recovery.

November 3

”Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them in with your favorite colors.” Khalen Hosseini

My recovery has required reflection on my childhood. It is a search for the events or simply the atmosphere in which I was raised that influenced how I grew up. It is an exercise in determining the “colours” that were applied to direct my choices and maturity. It is also an opportunity to identify the major events, negative and positive that have shaped my world. Although there is nothing I can do to change my upbringing, I can certainly benefit from looking at the snapshots of the past and gaining understanding of those who had an effect on my life. I can also ask adult explanations of people for things that I remember which may not quite be recalled exactly as they happened. So I do have opportunities to change my colored-view of the past. This knowledge helps me to move forward mostly by allowing me closure for old wounds, to forgive and let go of events from the past that have weighed me down for years. It allows me to turn over those chapters of my life and to look for the lessons to apply to my present.

Affirmation May I have the courage to examine my past, close old wounds, and free myself from some baggage to allow me freedom to be more present today.

October 18

”Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson

I’ve made mistakes, as many as anyone, probably more. I have hurt myself, my family, friends, colleagues, and even complete strangers. I have done many things I am not proud of, that I would gladly take back if I could, but I cannot change the past as much as I would like to be able to. What I have within my control is today. Yes, there is a past that brought me here, but it need not be the over-riding force that guides my actions. I have a choice, each and every moment of the day, to do things different and work toward a new ending, rather than the one my addiction has in mind. The key for me to stay in the present is to work at letting go. Surrendering to my Higher Power, to my program, and to recovery means that I have to move beyond my past. I have to leave those things that weigh me down behind, where they happened and are meant to stay, and look at what I can do now to change and make improvements. Change happens the moment I decide to embrace it and take action.

Affirmation I will live for the present today, accepting the gift I have to make new choices and to move in a new direction.

June 6

”Never fear shadows…that always means there is a light shining somewhere.” Jonathon Santos

One of the many challenges of recovery has been learning to accept myself. This is an acceptance of not just the good parts of me, but the whole of me - my addiction, my bad choices, my regrets and loss, as well as all of the more positive things. It is the combination of those things that make up who I am today, that have faced life’s challenges and allowed me to be where I am, right in this present moment. Acceptance does not mean that I have to be willing to keep these things with me for the rest of my life however. My past I can do nothing about, but I have the choice to decide what things I wish to bring with me into the future. I have the ability to change. This is a powerful realization, that I have the capacity to  move from being “holesome”, from having my negative behaviours and attitudes predominate my life, to being wholesome. I can choose to not let the past define me, but rather motivate me to be different and focus on the better aspects, and begin leaving my old behaviours and character defects behind. I can choose not to focus on the shadows of yesterday but look towards the light shining on my face.

Affirmation In the darkness of my life, let me find the strength to continue to move towards the light of my Higher Power and recovery.

February 20

”Cowards die a thousand deaths. The valiant taste of death but once.” William Shakespeare

I have dealt, more or less, with the major blow of losing my marriage to my addiction. The pain and grief of that failure washed over me in a few, large events and I hoped that was the extent of it. Nothing prepared me for the thousands of small deaths that have followed. It is not as easy as I thought to move forward from a decade of being with someone else in such a close relationship. Frequently something from my past pops up out of nowhere, an old photo, a card, some memorabilia, a song, or whatever else that triggers a memory of what has been lost. In that moment I am taken back to dealing with the emotions and my past. Then there are the living things, and hardest of these are my children. They are a constant reminder of a part of my life that is no longer there, and something that I was not able to repair. Yet I know that my life is much saner now that where I was. Shakespeare seems to imply that a glorious death is more worthy, but I think the contrary – it is the ability to surpass the thousands of small deaths, to repeatedly overcome our suffering that builds character and makes me “valiant.”

Affirmation As the saying goes, what does not kill me makes me stronger. Facing my emotions from the pain and suffering of the past will strengthen me for the challenges that lay ahead.

October 11

”When making choices in life, do not neglect to live.” Samuel Johnson

I can look back more objectively at my life and the times I lived in active addiction. I can see in retrospect that many of my choices were not about living, not about experiencing and enjoying the world around me. Instead they were focused on one sole train of thought – feeding my addiction. I truly did spend much of my time worshipping that idol of sex. I worked to have the resources to support my habit. I stressed about finances, conflicts and life events to feed the reason for my dependence on my addict as my coping mechanism and I rationalized it all away, not taking any responsibility for my actions. Today my decisions are made for better purposes. I choose to be in recovery and make it a priority. I choose to be second, putting the will of the God of my understanding before my own. I choose to serve others. I chose to love, to forgive, to seek and give kindness. I also choose to recognize my addict but not give in any more. I choose not to regret, not to carry resentments, nor to beat myself up for my mistakes – past, present or future. I choose to be part of the world around me rather than isolate, I choose to be an active participant.

Affirmation I have received the gift of choice; let me make the best ones to support my recovery today.

September 30

”Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were big things.” Robert Brault

Looking into the past is not easy for me. While I can find moments of serenity and happiness, it is hard to hold onto them against the weight of negativity that my addiction put into the same period. The fact that my emotions were dulled also is not helpful in trying to recall better times. Then there are other people who only want me remember all the bad times which can make it even more challenging to look back. My task is to focus on today, and even though things are not all rosy, I am learning to focus at least equally on want goes well each day. I have to find the balance, and I need to practice positive thinking if I want to stop all that mental berating I am used to giving to myself. Like a friend recently shared, there is no way I would want to stay friends with someone who belittled and degraded me as much as I do of my own accord. It is learning to be gentle. To understand that I am not perfect. That I will make mistakes. That I have lots to offer. That I can rejoice in what I accomplish each day. It is also about surrounding myself with good people. Those who lift me up, who remind me of the good I do and the progress I have made. It is an accumulation of many small acts of goodness that have led me along the path of recovery. As I approach a year of sobriety, all those small things are turning into something quite large indeed.

Affirmation Today I will reflect on the small good things that are present in my life because I have chosen to be in recovery.

August 1

”Life goes not backwards not tarries with yesterday.” Kahlil Gibran

Life may not take me back in time, but that certainly does not stop me from being able to get stuck in the past. If I send my energy either “what if’ing” or simply obsessing about things that have happened, the world carries on around me while I take no active role. My inability to let go, to give up control of the yesterdays that I can do nothing to change, inhibits me from being present and taking action in today. I wonder if we are one of the few species who even bothers to worry about yesterday. I can’t imagine most creatures would survive for very long if they spent as much energy thinking about all that had happened rather than taking care of what needed to be done right now. I think sometimes as a human I feel a need to complicate life when really it is meant to be simplified. If I am hungry, I eat. If I am thirsty, I drink. If I am cold, I find a way to stay warm. The weather yesterday, the report that was due, and the clothes I wore, all these details and more have next-to-no impact on my present condition and needs. Now is the time that matters and therefore deserves my attention.

Affirmation Right here, right now is where I can change, grow, learn, and work on my recovery – so let’s get to it!

July 27

”The childhood shows the man, as the morning shows the day.” John Milton

It took only a few weeks after joining SAA for me to recognize how far back my addictive tendencies went. I guess I thought I would have been more surprised to trace events and behaviours back to my teenage years, but somehow I think deep down I always suspected it was true. I think it is amazing that as a human being I can keep such a toxic part of me active in my life for so many years yet still appear to be a functioning part of society. I guess my coping mechanism did get me to the point in my life where I finally decided that there had to be a better way to live. In working the steps, in sharing with other members, I am often challenged to look at myself, my thoughts and actions from a totally new perspective. I don’t like questioning that my thought processes are broken, but I think the fact that I lived my double-life for so many years is proof that all was not functioning in the healthiest manner. I have lived with the addict in my head for so many years that I am not always aware which voice is active. So I am grateful to have my new SAA family to help me hear and see more clearly what I am thinking, saying and doing. My increasing awareness gives me the power to choose new ways to behave , act and react to the world around me.

Affirmation I can accept my group as a mirror that will better help me see where I can improveand grow.

July 13

”There is a past which is gone forever, but there is a future which is still our own.” F. W. Robertson

I think I am starting to understand the concept of not being able to go home again. After 4 months of living on my own, away from my spouse and my family, I know things will never be the way they were before, even if we reconcile. There is no changing the past. Yet I am not completely in despair. I hope that if things do work out, they will be better than before. I know I am no longer the same person I was since having admitted my problems and actively taking the steps to change. Living in recovery today I am aware that the pull of my addiction is not the promise of a bright and happy future, but the attempt to pull me back into the past. My addiction prefers to keep me in stasis, unchanging, isolated and stagnating in the fantasy world that does little to make my life productive. Recovery on the other hand is not so much about the future as it is about the present. Living for the future can be as destructive as dwelling on the past. The program is teaching me to live in and for the moment. This is where the action is, where my energy is best spent to make real changes. I may never go home again, but living in the now helps me to be content with myself, no matter where I may be.

Affirmation I will not dwell on the past nor worry about the future: the here and now is where I need to be focused.

May 20

”We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as causes and return to us as results.” Herman Melville

I recently watched the movie Shame. In my opinion, although it is somewhat explicit, it portrays the life of a sex addict without glamourizing it. As a recovering addict it fell like watching periods of my life as an outside observer. While I could relate to the pain, the seemingly irrational pull into acting out and the eventual downward out-of-control spiral, it also felt comforting to recognize that I am no longer in that space. I was aware of the opportunities that were missed to seek help; I know from my own past how long it took to reach a bottom that pushed me to find a different way out. Finding the SAA program and taking the risk of admitting I had a problem has been at the same time one of the most difficult and health decisions I have made. I continue to see more and more the places in my life where help was right in front of me but I was too blinded by my addiction to care. My life in recovery has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. Not only do I have to face the consequences of my past, but life continues on and new challenges await me all the time. For the most part I have faced them from a place of sobriety and serenity. The rediscovery of my Higher Power and the support of my caring friends in the program continue to keep me afloat.

Affirmation Today I can be grateful that I am not in my active addiction. I will thank my Higher Power for the gift of sobriety.

May 17

”We must always have old memories and young hopes.” Houssaye

The past is just that…all which has passed. It is no longer something that can be changed nor controlled. The best I can do is to learn from it to be better in the present and to let it go so I do not carry it with. This in no way implies that I will simply cease to remember what has happened. But it also means that I no longer need to dwell on it as it robs me of time in the present. I can certainly take time for reflection and seek to understand what has happened in my life, but my time and energy are often better sent on the here and now. In my hopes I try to remain as a child, full of dreams of the fantastic and impossible, to see all things in their splendour through eyes of innocence. Life has regained a sense of joy and wonder, of the excitement that anything can and will happen. I continue to break free of the bonds of my addiction a day at a time, even though I need to face reality and pain to do so. My faith in my Higher Power is there to help me stand tall when I would rather fall down and quit. I believe that there is a better life before me as long as I continue to struggle against the darkness.

Affirmation I will take from the past what can propel me forward; dwelling on what has been will only tie me down.

April 22

”A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.” George Moore

I’ve tried many ways to escape my past. One of my favorites was to move, to not stay tied to one place or to get away from the bad memories. The problem is that the things I tried to escape from were within me and always seemed to get packed up and moved right along with me. Sometimes change would hide them for a while, but that box would always come out into the open, just waiting for someone to look inside. I have looked for many other ways that were external to me to make a change. A new partner, new friends, new job … all things that I figured could renew my happiness, my sense of purpose and help make me feel whole. Whole … without a hole; what I needed to find was a way to complete what was missing within. I know now that hole has to be filled from within me, by my own actions, by my acceptance of my Higher Power, and by letting go of all my anger and resentment. I cannot escape who I am or what has happened in the past. Yet I can influence what happens in my present – I can come home again.

Affirmation I will be aware of ways I try to escape today; home truly is where my heart is and I will be alright to stay with myself.

April 12

”The brook would lose its song if we removed the rocks.” Anonymous

I used to think that removing my faults, getting rid of old bad feelings and hurt would upset the balance of who I am. I am learning today that this is not the case; in accepting my past I am not condoning the bad things that I have experienced. Rather I am transferring the negative feelings back to the person they belong to, and allowing my Higher Power to deal with the situation and consequences rather than giving away control over myself. The song in the brook is never constant. The flow of water is faster in the spring and dwindles during the heat of summer. Many external influences outside its control will change the shape and the texture of the music. Yet all things are simply accepted and the brook maintains a harmony that can still be enjoyed and cherished. So to with myself, I need to accept these things I cannot change. Yet doing so does not diminish my ability to maintain harmony and serenity.

Affirmation Today I can let go of the past, accept things for the way they are and still rejoice in the strength of my song.

March 29

”Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” Denis Waitley

There may come a powerful moment in your recovery where you can look at your past with a new set of eyes. In reflection you may discover the ability to filter out the double life of your addict and focus in on the real person that was struggling through life. Getting to this point in recovery can help you see the true underlying issues that the addiction has kept under wraps for all these years. There comes a time for many addicts where they need to grieve the loss of their addiction to fully relinquish control. This may happen as a letter, full of feelings towards letting go in order to free oneself to move forward. We can gain great power in our lives by going through a formal farewell and letting ourselves be part of the natural process of losing a part of who we are.

Affirmation I can accept that some moments in recovery will be powerful and life changing.  I am ready move on and continue to change.

March 24

”Nothing hath separated us from God but our own will, or rather our own will is our separation from God.” William Lau

In looking at our past, at our compulsive behaviours and how it controlled our lives, we usually discover that we have put effort into a power greater than ourselves – our addiction. In doing so, we’ve likely stopped most of the activities that help us stay connected to our Higher Power, be it God, Mother Nature, the Universe…most of our energy has gone into feeding our addiction. Not only have we lost our connection to our spiritual centre, we have likely lost many of our favourite activities and friends due to the all-consuming nature of our addictive behaviour. This is why finding things to put into our outer circle is so important; we need to find ways to re-establish a healthy and complete life. Working the 12 Steps will help us to release the old ways of living and free us to restart doing the things that gives us our connection to our Higher Power. We can make the conscious decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a power greater than ourselves and trust that this will lead us back to sanity.

Affirmation I will give today over to my Higher Power and let His will guide my actions.

March 15

”I wanted to write about the moment when your addiction no longer hides the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down that’s the moment when you somehow have to choose what your life is going to be about.” Chuck Palahniuk

One of the things we realize is that once we’ve admitted that we are a sex addict there is no turning back. Just like a cartoon character that runs off of a cliff, once he looks down, gravity suddenly takes effect and there is nothing left to do but be pulled down. Taking that first step to come clean about our past behaviour can feel the same way, like the dam of our past has sprung a leak that leads to us being washed away in a flash flood. It’s important to remember that our past is finite and that the waters trying to drown us are not limitless but will eventually recede. In the beginning is when we need the most support to know we aren’t alone, to help keep us afloat and to remind us that this too will pass. It’s also comforting to know that at the time we find the courage to admit our problem and begin working the program, our resolve and will are often strong enough to help us weather the oncoming storm. In the end, time will temper all things and restore balance.

Affirmation I know there is a flood that awaits me, but I also know that I need not face it alone.

February 26

”We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon – instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.” Dale Carnegie

It is often said that we do not know what we had until it is gone. The same can be said when we look back at our past during periods of sobriety and see what we have lost, squandered or thrown away. The addiction promises a lot, to fulfill our needs, our wildest fantasies, but when things are realized, these promises are usually empty ones. As addicts we live to feed our addiction that does not give back what we put into it. Rather, it keeps demanding more, more time, effort, money, often to deliver even less to us in return. It’s hard to break the cycle, but when we manage to put healthy means of meeting our own needs, physical, emotional and spiritual the benefits are often much greater than our efforts. Why wouldn’t we jump at the opportunity to have more of this in our lives! This is part of the struggle of living in our addiction.

Affirmation I will be thankful for what I have today and be aware of the empty promises of my addictive behaviour.