December 16

”Part of being a man is learning to take responsibility for your successes and for your failures. You can’t go blaming others or being jealous. Seeing somebody else’s success as your failure is a cancerous way to live.” Kevin Bacon

I do appreciate the discussion in Step 4 about resentment where we are called to focus on our part, however small, in situations where we are holding something against someone else. This has been helpful for me in two ways. The first, of course, has been in taking responsibility for my own actions. This was certainly something I shrunk away from during my life, especially during my periods of active addiction. The second way, and perhaps more important way, is realizing that I am not responsible for how others have acted or treated me. It is about coming to the realization that I have been holding on to grudges which have had the result of allowing that situation or person to keep power over me for a long time. This awareness leads to the conclusion that only I can let go of those issues from my past to grant me freedom. This is a large component of my work in recovery, to regain power where I have given it away. It is about recognizing where I have made mistakes, seeking forgiveness and making amends. It is about turning over what others have done to my Higher Power with the realization that I am powerless to change them.

Affirmation

I will work on acknowledging my part in situations of the past, and giving back responsibility to those who have wronged me in return.

May 31

”Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.” Ann Landers

I surprised myself recently and attended a Christian rock concert, not something I thought I would do as an adult. However, it was a powerful experience, and one of the songs that I still have playing in the back of my head is about forgiveness. The artist at the concert even took the time to challenge everyone to think of who they could turn to after leaving to call and ask forgiveness of, or better yet, who they could forgive. It was not hard for me to find a few people in both those categories. My views of forgiveness are shifting as I work my program of recovery. I am learning that it is about taking back my power, about freeing me from self-imposed chains, and not at all about condoning or accepting the actions of others. My addict was the first person I have needed to give an eviction notice to, having over-stayed their welcome rent-free in my head. That is part of forgiving myself. In forgiving others, I am clearing out more rooms, space that I can use instead to be filled with my Higher Power, and a better spiritual force that will sustain me. I will fill those places with things that love and cherish me .

Affirmation Like all places, even my head needs the occasional spring cleaning. Forgiveness allows me to throw away baggage I have been carrying and makes room for better things.

October 25 (100)

”Purity of soul cannot be lost without consent.” St. Augustine

It was a hard fact to face in a treatment session that I had given my power away. Learning about the destructive power of resentment, I began to see how blaming others, holding grudges, and seeking revenge were all acts that kept me tied to the past and allowed others to continue to influence my life years after the fact. Worst of all, I had done this to myself, allowed a part of me to take a stranglehold of my emotions, to deny a very core part of my being in order to further my harmful and compulsive behaviours. The core of who I am still remained beneath all the garbage, lies, cheating and other negative stuff I piled on top of it over the years. I had neglected my emotional and spiritual selves, yet could not destroy them, only hid them out of sight, out of mind. As I had chosen to bury those parts of me, I also regained the ability to dig them out and reintegrate them into my whole being through working my program. The human spirit is nothing if not resilient.  I have heard stories from people that have amazed me in seeing how far they have fallen only to rise back into a healthy state of living. The program is nothing short of a miracle for providing a framework to allow us to rediscover ourselves and return to society as a whole person.

Affirmation I have not lost who I am or who I was meant to be. I simply need to continue to work at rediscovering myself.