February 23

”It is strange that those we miss the most are those we take for granted.” Sir John Betjeman

This is one area that I am working on not repeating in my life. It was in taking those closest to me for granted that I was able to so deeply fall into my addiction and ignore the best things in my life. And this lack of attention led to me losing some of the people that I cared deeply about. I know I used to escape my feelings of loss, abandon and rejection. I didn’t want to feel like I was missing people that were important to me, and I sought refuge in my acting out. It’s hard looking back, knowing that this behaviour is w.hat ultimately caused me to lose the people I didn’t want to miss. So recovery is teaching me to experience my feelings. The simple fact that I miss someone doesn’t mean than they are rejecting or abandoning me. It is a sign of them caring for me, and also of how much they mean to me. These are good things, and good reminders that it is great for me to have intimate relationships. I know much better what I risk losing by taking others for granted

Affirmation The one thing I cannot afford to take for granted is the fact that I am today, like yesterday and tomorrow, an addict. Remembering this allows me to focus on being in recovery.

October 1

”When the rock is hard, we get harder than the rock. When the job is tough, we get tougher than the job.” George Cullem, Sr.

Too much of my life has been spent looking for the easier way out. I guess that made me a prime target for becoming an addict. Although I only identify with one major category, my one vice that I turned to without fail to cope and survive, I know better that my addictive personality has a broader scope. I recognize now many other ways were I escaped, be it food, video games, volunteering – I was able to take other things to an extreme to deal with my emotions. Life has not gotten any easier in recovery. In fact, in most aspects it has gotten harder. Becoming responsible, facing the consequences of my actions, and taking life as it comes is hard work. Even harder without the ability to resort to my tried and true methods of handling stress. But in spite of the negative, I am aware that my life is more authentic. I am more real, honest and connected than I have been in years. The challenges are hard, but the feeling of overcoming them more than compensates for the difficulties. I have a renewed strength and drive to tackle the problems that come my way rather than cower and hide like I used to. Life is meant to be lived, not watched from the shadows.

Affirmation I have confidence in facing today’s challenges, knowing I can make it through with the support of my Higher Power.

September 5

”If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it elsewhere.” Marvin Gaye

My addiction only ever had one goal in mind – escape. To run, hide, avoid or ignore the pain, stress, emotion or whatever negative or seemingly overwhelming situation was before me. The more my addiction took over, the more things I feared and needed to escape from, the more lies and excuses I had  to manufacture to rationalize and justify my behaviour to “normalize” it and make it acceptable for myself.  Taking away this toxic coping mechanism from my life as I discover and use the tools of recovery leads me in a new direction. I am learning to like the person I see in the mirror, to know and feel that I act with more integrity, that I am honest and genuine with myself and others. In short, my life is moving from chaos to serenity. Although many outside factors have assisted and influenced my recovery, the transformation has come from within. My addiction promised happiness, content, joy, pleasure and even peace through many external things. Yet it has been in my recovery, in learning to love, care and nurture myself, that I am finding the peace within me…and it’s a peace that no one can take away from me.

Affirmation I need to work on me from the inside out, to bring forth my qualities that will reflect the authentic person I am becoming.

June 4

”The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don’t know what to do.” John Holt

In the past when faced with a situation when I did not know what to do, my usual reaction would have been to say “<insert your favourite expletive here> it” and seek escape in my addictive behaviours. It still happens frequently in my recovery that I find myself in these types of situations. But I have found new ways to handle them. Usually I start with a Serenity Prayer (or 3) to help calm me down as well as providing me the time to evaluate how much (little) control I have. Then I try turning over everything (almost) that is out of my power to my Higher Power (here you go, it’s all yours!) At this point I usually feel relief and a decrease in the pressure and stress of the situation. Finally I can take a realistic look at what is within my power to deal with (lil ol me) and can start formulating some ways to handle the problem. I know I can always ask for help or simple reach out to others to vent. Life in recovery is about making different choices (see definition of insanity.) My tendency now is to evaluate and act rather than immediately reacting to the world around me. I know that as a result that I am rebuilding my character in the process.

Affirmation Today I will try not to escape from life’s challenges, but pause and focus on the things I can change.

April 22

”A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.” George Moore

I’ve tried many ways to escape my past. One of my favorites was to move, to not stay tied to one place or to get away from the bad memories. The problem is that the things I tried to escape from were within me and always seemed to get packed up and moved right along with me. Sometimes change would hide them for a while, but that box would always come out into the open, just waiting for someone to look inside. I have looked for many other ways that were external to me to make a change. A new partner, new friends, new job … all things that I figured could renew my happiness, my sense of purpose and help make me feel whole. Whole … without a hole; what I needed to find was a way to complete what was missing within. I know now that hole has to be filled from within me, by my own actions, by my acceptance of my Higher Power, and by letting go of all my anger and resentment. I cannot escape who I am or what has happened in the past. Yet I can influence what happens in my present – I can come home again.

Affirmation I will be aware of ways I try to escape today; home truly is where my heart is and I will be alright to stay with myself.