April 5

"Love the moment, and the energy of the moment will spread beyond all boundaries.” Sister Mary Corita Kent

I do try to meditate daily, not only for a defined period of time, but also taking periodic pauses in my day to reflect on my breath and to ground myself in the present. Although I still consider myself a beginner at all this mindfulness business, I have noticed positive impacts in my life. Taking these intentional breaks to slow down, pause, and focus on the present helps to slow down the hamster wheel of thoughts in my head. It gives me time to reflect, to concentrate on the truly important things, to quiet my mind and to feel connected to myself and my Higher Power. I do think there is a great deal of love present in those moments. It is a time to refuel, recharge, and to set a healthier path before me. There is a definite power in the stillness and focus of the present moment.

Affirmation

I will seek opportunities to calm my mind and my thoughts and to ground myself in the present.

April 23

”You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result.” Mahatma Gandhi

Life in recovery is quite different than a few years ago at the height of my addiction. Whereas I used to spend as much time hiding from the world, and trying to do as little as possible that wasn’t acting out, today I am trying to enjoy each and every moment. While I am working at being present, making better choices, I am still not aware of all the results of my actions. Things can happen days, weeks, or even longer after I have done something that seemed pretty insignificant at the time. So there has been a lot for me to learn in turning things over to the will of my Higher Power and trusting in His path. I can’t foresee what the future holds, nor what may come from the simplest choices in the longer term. I have seen enough good, even great things come from small choices to disregard the fact that there is a bigger plan in the world in which I play but a small part. Doing nothing is no longer a viable option in my life. I have gained too much self-awareness through the Steps to ever consider going back to where I came from. I am seeing rewards that I never dreamt would have been possible in the short time that I have given my life over. Why would I even want to consider stopping what is having such a profound impact on my own life and those who I come into contact with? Recovery is so much better than anything I have ever experienced before.

Affirmation

I will focus on doing what I can today, and will work at turning things over to my Higher Power to follow the path that is being laid out before me.

December 25

”I am not young enough to know everything.” James Barrie

Christmas for me has always been about children, about seeing their wonder and amazement, their pure innocent joy and laughter. It is my time of the year to try and recapture that purity, that openness of just being in the moment, of believing in magic, of living with hope and without limit. I am no longer young enough to know everything, to be the centre of the universe, invincible and untouchable. My innocence has been jaded by experience, by a loss of the magic that anything can happen, that good always triumphs over evil, or that every cloud has a silver lining. Not necessarily an acceptance of pessimism, but of realism. Yet I still have those fantastical beliefs in me. I have hope in the power and goodness of humanity. I trust deeply in my Higher Power and my spiritual life. I believe in miracles. I believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and all those others dreams that I have taught my own children. With God by my side, I know anything is possible. I can find a way to live through the child within me and keep those fantasies alive.

Affirmation My child within permits me to believe, love and live unconditionally, without prejudice or worry.

September 19

”I have no Yesterdays, Time took them away. Tomorrow may not be but I have Today.” Pear Yeardon McGinnis

I used to think I had all the time in the world. Tomorrow I could fill up, and the next week, month, or year with activity and planning. It has taken a significant amount of recovery to realize that all I really have is Today, and even harder to come to terms with is knowing all that I really have is right now. I cannot get back Yesterday or anything that has happened in the past. The moment is gone, lost forever. I can choose to allow it to shape who I am and where I go from there. Regret, anger, and resentment about what has been only distract me from being in the present. The Future is little better. I can worry, but effort into my fears of what may be, yet here too I remove myself from right now. My power in just being, in gaining the awareness of who I truly am, of opening myself to the will of something greater than myself, grants me the freedom to choose how to live each moment. I can squander it on negative thoughts and emotions or parts of my addictive nature, or I can choose life in recovery – to be healthy, clean, sober and sane. Each moment of serenity restores a part of my true self and gives me the ability to serve the purpose of my Higher Power.

Affirmation My focus is to be in the moment, the past is beyond my control and the future may never come to pass. I will do the most I can right now.

September 13

”That which is worth doing is worth doing well.” Nicolas Poussin

Perfectionism has long been both one of my character defects and strengths. It is a strength in pushing myself to do my best. But in most cases it is a defect because it leads to the belief that only mine works and it prevents me from seeking advice or help. As I recognize this art of me coming into play I have to stop and question myself. How far do I need to go to have a workable solution that is “good enough?” Who can I ask or where can I turn for help? What purpose does this serve beyond my own satisfaction for a job well done? What am I sacrificing for the perfect answer? Looking to my Higher Power to help me let go of my defect and seeking His guidance to find a positive replacement will help me grow in many aspects of my life. Sometimes I lose sight of the goal while trying to nail down every detail or ignore valuable advice that can save me time and effort. I don’t have to do it all on my own or think my works is any less valuable because I had help. It is not that I need to settle for doing less than my best. On the contrary it is about doing my best without sacrificing time, energy and effort that I can use better on something else. When the task at hand is complete, maybe not perfectly, but certainly well enough, I can move on. Succumbing to my perfection prevents me from completing things and from moving forward.

Affirmation My best can be given without achieving perfection. I need to find balance to keep succeeding in many things.

September 10

”All the water in the world cannot drown you – unless it gets inside.” Mary Manin Boggs

Determining the sexual activities that I can keep in my life that are healthy has been a challenging endeavour. Working with my sponsor and filling out my circles has certainly helped to put things into perspective. All that groundwork has been useful in looking at sexual activities as I enter into a new relationship. I am able to recognize pitfalls and old behaviours, and be open and honest with my new partner. My sexual intimacy is deeper because of the knowledge and awareness I have gained through reading and internal reflection over the past months. It no longer has a stranglehold grip on my life, the compulsion has greatly diminished. I am able to let my partner set the tone and pace. I am able to set my own boundaries and respect those of my partner. This part of my life is being reintegrated in the whole me, rather than being the predominant aspect of my double life. I never expected to be able to experience a healthy sexual relationship again, not with myself and certainly not with someone else. The miracle of being where I am today has not escaped me and I am grateful to SAA for having guided me back to my Higher Power and this new life.

Affirmation I will find a healthy sexuality and be able to express it and share it with someone else.

August 8

”We have no need to find courage. It is already within all of us. We simply need to reclaim it.” Lance Secretan

The transition from loneliness to solitude for me is about stopping my tendency to escape and avoid what I am thinking and especially what I am feeling. Being alone is ok and being in a crowd is alright, but in either case or anywhere in between my head can be on its way out the door into the past, into fantasy, into planning, into regretting, into worry or any other number of places to get away from the here and now as fast as possible. It is all too easy for me to zone out in front of the TV, computer, a book, video game or whatever. It takes energy, effort and courage to stay focused in the present, to let my thoughts and feelings be experienced and then allowed to pass. But the reward is that I have less baggage to carry with me and it makes it easier to live just for today. As I have often written, my life in recovery is a lot less about learning new things as it is in rediscovering my positive traits and abilities that have lain dormant. I am finding my source of courage, hope, strength and resolve that reside at the core of my being and making better use of them. I am reclaiming my body, my mind, my heart and my soul.

Affirmation I will seek out the strengths that lie within me, my Higher Power has given me the tools to use I just need to pick them up.

August 1

”Life goes not backwards not tarries with yesterday.” Kahlil Gibran

Life may not take me back in time, but that certainly does not stop me from being able to get stuck in the past. If I send my energy either “what if’ing” or simply obsessing about things that have happened, the world carries on around me while I take no active role. My inability to let go, to give up control of the yesterdays that I can do nothing to change, inhibits me from being present and taking action in today. I wonder if we are one of the few species who even bothers to worry about yesterday. I can’t imagine most creatures would survive for very long if they spent as much energy thinking about all that had happened rather than taking care of what needed to be done right now. I think sometimes as a human I feel a need to complicate life when really it is meant to be simplified. If I am hungry, I eat. If I am thirsty, I drink. If I am cold, I find a way to stay warm. The weather yesterday, the report that was due, and the clothes I wore, all these details and more have next-to-no impact on my present condition and needs. Now is the time that matters and therefore deserves my attention.

Affirmation Right here, right now is where I can change, grow, learn, and work on my recovery – so let’s get to it!