April 25

”You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.” Walt Disney

I used to think Hollywood movies only had the purpose to entertain, to fill a screen with mindless pictures and sound for a couple hours to distract us. And while that may be true of some films, certainly some genres more than others, many films do have depth and important messages that I am better able to see. There are many lessons of life, and authors, poets, artists of all kinds use their medium and talent to share those with the rest of the world. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don’t, sometimes I need to see the same movie or painting a few dozen times before the message comes through. Yet I am aware why certain things have a draw that keeps me going back to them, that there are messages within that resonate to my beliefs and values. One of the many lessons I have learned through literature and movies is that my past, no matter how dark or devastating it may have been at times, can be overcome. My potential to do great things is not limited because of where I came from, or what I have experienced. To the contrary, much of that can serve as motivation to propel me to make the world so much better because of how I suffered. So I can be grateful for that kick in the teeth, today at least.

Affirmation

With growing awareness I will find messages of hope and strength all around me. I need to simply keep looking and there they will be.

October 3

” A bump in the road is either an obstacle to be fought or an opportunity to be enjoyed... it is all up to you.” Anonymous

I wish I could get to the point where things are just bumps in the road. Lately it seems my obstacles are either road blocks or sinkholes that come seemingly out of nowhere. The rest of the quote does have a lot of merit though. I still have the choice to fight, or to find the opportunity in the situation. Both are always there, but not necessarily easy to find. I am grateful that, by the grace of my Higher Power, I have a more solid foundation under my feet and I am able to evaluate these tough times. There are obstacles I need to fight, to defend my values and morals or to protect those close to me. And there are others that I need to dig through all the bad parts to find the opportunity. Thankfully I feel confident that I can take the time, seek advice or whatever else I need to move through the situation. Attitude is a big part of my recovery. I have consciously made choices to stick to the high road in dealing with conflicts that have arisen with people I hurt through my past actions who have reacted in anger or from pain. I have found other ways to let go of my own frustrations through writing, meditation, prayer and regular contact with my sponsor and fellow members. I am a changed person and am glad to be able to live this new life each day.

Affirmation It’s true that this too will pass, and I will gain the tools to help me make it through and hopefully learn something along the way by working my program.

November 2 (92)

”Fairness is not an attitude. It’s a professional skill that must be developed and exercised.” Brit Hume

I am certainly seeing that life does not always feel fair and just. As much as I would like the world to be respectful and honourable, the truth is that sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. What really matters is how I fulfill my role, if I choose to be honest and just regardless of the actions of others. I may not always be treated in kind but that is no excuse for me to behave poorly. It is important for me to live by my new set of values and morals, even if this not how I used to be. My change of attitude and behaviours is probably least accepted by those who are closest to me. They are the ones most betrayed and most familiar with whom I used to be. It is with them that only time and consistency in my new way of living that will allow them to being to trust that this isn’t just another phase, another attempt to make good long enough to go back to my old habits. Like many things in my recovery, being fair and just is another tool that I need to practice and strengthen. It may feel unnatural at first, but in time it will become part of my new “normal.” I just have to keep at it.

Affirmation It will be a challenge to prove to others that I am in recovery to stay, slowly and steadily must I continue along my journey.

June 21

”I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” Bill Cosby

I remember the reaction from one counsellor on hearing me divulge that I was a sex addict for the first time. He looked me square in the eyes and said, “So you have boundary issues do you.” In less than 3 seconds he neatly summarized years of behaviour. Of course it took me much longer to apply this against my previous actions. In the end thought, that observation has applied to most of my acting out, and even middle circle behaviours. Many of my downward spirals simply kept pushing my limits, the boundaries of my morals and values. Not only did I breach my own trust, I also brought others along for the ride. I have taken innocent situations and obsessed about them until I was convinced they meant way more than intended. I have taken a harmless glance and turned into an invitation for a one-night stand. My addict has done little to allow me to see clearly, always distorting reality in the attempt to make me fulfill my sexual desires. Some of my motivation was to try and please others, to fit in and be accepted. In recovery today I am establishing healthy boundaries for myself and learning to accept and respect those of others. I know that in my fellowship I am accepted simply as I am, I have no need to pretend to be someone or something else. And that suits me just fine.

Affirmation Today I focus on respecting my boundaries as well as those of others. I need to be clear on where I stand and differentiate my needs from my wants.