January 11

”Yeah ain't it just amazing, how a God can tend a broken man. Yeah let him find a fortune and then ruin it with his own two hands.” Lyrics from Difference Maker by Needtobreathe

I recently watched the movie Thanks for Sharing, another film that challenges the subject of sex addiction. It`s challenged a number of areas of my life, not just for myself, but for some people close to me who also choose to watch the film. I am grateful for opportunities to discuss my recovery. On the other hand, I still get a sinking feeling in my gut when asked about my past behaviours – there still remain traces of my shame and guilt from my actions. The movie allowed me to see once again how much my life has changed since finding the program. I related well enough to the characters still stuck in active addiction. Yet at the same time it was a sobering reminder that my serenity and recovery is fragile and that my addiction is still lurking. Relapse can happen any time, and my program needs to be something I am continually working. It`s also brought to light how important some of my new relationships are, and how I cannot afford to take them or the people around me for granted. Still, I need to be selfish enough to put my recovery first, for with it none of the rest of the good things in my life will be possible. And to all my fellow brothers and sisters in recovery, thanks for listening, and thanks for sharing.

Affirmation Recovery is a daily activity that I need to continue to work at to maintain this new life of serenity and sobriety.

October 21

”What makes the pain we feel from shame and jealousy so cutting is that vanity can give us no assistance in bearing them.” Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Shame, jealousy, guilt – these are feelings that work against my sense of pride, accomplishment and self-worth. They are not character aspects I can flaunt to make myself feel good, to show that I am better than someone else. Rather they deflate me, and turn me away from others. Yet there is a healthy way to deal with these negative emotions. Rather than burying them, or trying to run away, I can speak about them and share them with those who support me. In bringing them out into the open, I expose them for what they are, but also start to give up the power and control they have over me. It is letting them go that I can move away from their influence. Shame, jealousy, guilt – yes there are times when things I or others do bring about these feelings. But like all emotions, these are just a warning sign to recognize what is happening. I don’t need to react as a result, but I can sit with the feeling, explore the root cause, and choose to acknowledge where I am but still move forward. I need not fall into despair, depression or isolation. There is another way to go, and I need to be honest and talk with someone about where I am.

Affirmation I will not be afraid of my feelings of shame, guilt or jealousy today. If I find myself confronted by them, I will choose to share them with someone who supports me.

November 18 (76)

”I get up and pace the room, as if I can leave my guilt behind me.  But it tracks me as a I walk, an ugly shadow made by myself.” Rosamund Lupton

If I really want to move forward with my life, I need to be able to truly forgive the most important person in my life – myself. As long as I continue to drag the ugly shadow of my past, all my guilt and shame, with me, I will not make significant progress. Starting new things – moving to a new place, getting a new job, or making new friends – all these will give me a temporary reprieve from the burden of my past but I need to forgive myself and surrender what I cannot change to my Higher Power in order to progress in my recovery. Another aspect is that I am the sole cause of any guilt and shame I continue to carry. I am the one who has given the power to past situations to continue to haunt and detriment my present condition. Therefore it is only I who can decide to take back what I have given away and choose to focus on the better parts of my situation. Letting go of those negative aspects of my past and present gives me the opportunity to change and improve my character. Asking the God of my understanding to take away my character defects is a step in the right direction to a better way of living. Becoming an example of the changes I want to see in the world is a large part of my amends for all the damage I’ve done in the past and diminishes the power of my ugly shadow.

Affirmation My guilt and shame can only maintain power in my life as long as I choose to let them. I will let go of some today with the help of my Higher Power.

November 15 (79)

”We all feel the urge to condemn ourselves out of guilt, to blame others for our misfortunes and to fantasize about total disorder.” Deepak Chopra

Guilt is a powerful emotion. The guilt of the things I have done or not done, coupled with the shame, was fuel to keep me continuing to act out. It was both an attempt to run away from the pain and also a way to soothe my suffering and feel better. Another big factor was how I always shifted the blame, avoided my responsibility and found ways to justify my actions. It is almost humorous, in a very sad way, when I look back at how I used to be, how I thought I was successfully hiding everything I did, fooling all those around me into believing my fake persona all the while that I was living a lie. Really I am saddened and feel tremendous pity for how my life used to be, that I was so emotionally immature, so lost from the right path, and all that I missed out on while bowing to the will of my false idol. It is taking time to stop condemning myself, to stop seeing a monster when I look inside but instead finding a good person who has made bad choices. I know I am not perfect, far from it in fact, and I am getting better at accepting that I will make mistakes. The goal is to keep things in perspective and avoid living at the extremes, good or bad. Moderation is a tool to help me find balance and serenity.

Affirmation I have done wrong and will accept the consequences, but holding onto my guilt and shame will not aid me in moving forward.

July 27

”The childhood shows the man, as the morning shows the day.” John Milton

It took only a few weeks after joining SAA for me to recognize how far back my addictive tendencies went. I guess I thought I would have been more surprised to trace events and behaviours back to my teenage years, but somehow I think deep down I always suspected it was true. I think it is amazing that as a human being I can keep such a toxic part of me active in my life for so many years yet still appear to be a functioning part of society. I guess my coping mechanism did get me to the point in my life where I finally decided that there had to be a better way to live. In working the steps, in sharing with other members, I am often challenged to look at myself, my thoughts and actions from a totally new perspective. I don’t like questioning that my thought processes are broken, but I think the fact that I lived my double-life for so many years is proof that all was not functioning in the healthiest manner. I have lived with the addict in my head for so many years that I am not always aware which voice is active. So I am grateful to have my new SAA family to help me hear and see more clearly what I am thinking, saying and doing. My increasing awareness gives me the power to choose new ways to behave , act and react to the world around me.

Affirmation I can accept my group as a mirror that will better help me see where I can improveand grow.

February 18

”Nothing is more wretched than a guilty conscience.” Plautus

Many of us did not experience guilt or shame during the periods of our lives where we actively acted out. It is often not until we have gained some sobriety that we can look back and experience the negative emotions that accompany our behaviour, not only for the harm we have caused ourselves, but those around us as well. There are others of us who have experienced guilt and shame throughout our addiction and the best way we knew to deal with it was to avoid it by turning back to our false higher power, our addiction. This led us to a vicious cycle of acting out, feeling guilt and shame, evading things and feelings by acting out, and so on. Our guilt and shame, once recognized for what they are, do eat away inside us. In the SAA program, we learn that sharing our past, sharing our experience and our sexual patterns, has the power to free us from the guilt and shame that we carry within ourselves. Lifting this burden from our shoulders gives us new life, hope and strength to put towards our recovery.

Affirmation Today I will not succumb to my guilt and shame. I can share it with my Higher Power, sponsor or group and let it go.