November 15 (79)

”We all feel the urge to condemn ourselves out of guilt, to blame others for our misfortunes and to fantasize about total disorder.” Deepak Chopra

Guilt is a powerful emotion. The guilt of the things I have done or not done, coupled with the shame, was fuel to keep me continuing to act out. It was both an attempt to run away from the pain and also a way to soothe my suffering and feel better. Another big factor was how I always shifted the blame, avoided my responsibility and found ways to justify my actions. It is almost humorous, in a very sad way, when I look back at how I used to be, how I thought I was successfully hiding everything I did, fooling all those around me into believing my fake persona all the while that I was living a lie. Really I am saddened and feel tremendous pity for how my life used to be, that I was so emotionally immature, so lost from the right path, and all that I missed out on while bowing to the will of my false idol. It is taking time to stop condemning myself, to stop seeing a monster when I look inside but instead finding a good person who has made bad choices. I know I am not perfect, far from it in fact, and I am getting better at accepting that I will make mistakes. The goal is to keep things in perspective and avoid living at the extremes, good or bad. Moderation is a tool to help me find balance and serenity.

Affirmation I have done wrong and will accept the consequences, but holding onto my guilt and shame will not aid me in moving forward.