September 7

”My story isn’t sweet and harmonious, like invented stories. It tastes of folly and bewilderment, of madness and dreams, like the lives of all people who no longer want to lie to themselves.” Hermann Hesse

Wow, what a quote. For me it sums up perfectly life before and after admitting that I had an addiction. Life before was a fairy tale that I was trying very hard to continue to believe, pursue, and make a reality. Life since admitting I had a problem has been a wild rollercoaster ride through some pretty wicked weather. And this life is reality that I am learning to accept as it is, rather than pretend it is something else. Life is, and always has been, about choices. My past was filled of choices of avoidance, blaming, running away, or ignoring the truth. It focused on immediate and instant gratification; it did not care about the long term, or the consequences of my actions. It was short-sighed, selfish and very exclusive. My present is about acceptance, forgiveness, honesty, staying in the moment and trust. It is focused on real relationships, genuine connections with myself, my Higher Power, and other human beings. It cares about the moment, knowing that if I am doing well here, the future will take care of itself. It does worry about consequences and how my decisions and actions affect those around me. It has selfish aspects in terms of making my recovery and personal relationship a priority, but it seeks to balance that with all the other parts of my ever-expanding horizon of reality, which is very inclusive. All because I no longer wish to lie to myself, which makes me content to not have a life which is sweet and harmonious.

Affirmation

Reality is a mix of ups and downs, highs and lows, good, bad and sometime ugly moments. But reality is the better option, so God Bless the Mess.

October 1

”When the rock is hard, we get harder than the rock. When the job is tough, we get tougher than the job.” George Cullem, Sr.

Too much of my life has been spent looking for the easier way out. I guess that made me a prime target for becoming an addict. Although I only identify with one major category, my one vice that I turned to without fail to cope and survive, I know better that my addictive personality has a broader scope. I recognize now many other ways were I escaped, be it food, video games, volunteering – I was able to take other things to an extreme to deal with my emotions. Life has not gotten any easier in recovery. In fact, in most aspects it has gotten harder. Becoming responsible, facing the consequences of my actions, and taking life as it comes is hard work. Even harder without the ability to resort to my tried and true methods of handling stress. But in spite of the negative, I am aware that my life is more authentic. I am more real, honest and connected than I have been in years. The challenges are hard, but the feeling of overcoming them more than compensates for the difficulties. I have a renewed strength and drive to tackle the problems that come my way rather than cower and hide like I used to. Life is meant to be lived, not watched from the shadows.

Affirmation I have confidence in facing today’s challenges, knowing I can make it through with the support of my Higher Power.

December 21

”We are haunted by an ideal life, and it is because we have within us the beginning and the possibility of it.” Phillip Brooks

It is still challenging to admit that I have moments of weakness and temptation. I still get upset and frustrated with myself when I find that I am being pulled into my middle circle. I think, in my case, that perhaps I am haunted by an ideal recovery, knowing that I have within me the potential for a “textbook” recovery, if such a thing were to exist. The reality is that I am human and I am flawed. I have strengths and weaknesses, talents and imperfections, the potential for good and poor decisions alike. I will take steps backwards as I try to move forwards. Not everything I do will I get right the first time around. Yet there is not much harm in keeping the hope of an ideal recovery in my head. It can be a goal, one that I know I shall never achieve, but that I can strive towards nonetheless. Like wanting to be more like Christ or Buddha is good for some, I, too, can seek to live an ideal life within my imperfect vessel. The importance is to keep trying and to continue using my tools to live better, One Day at a Time.

Affirmation I need to remind myself today that I can do my best, yet that it is alright to make mistakes, to have a slip, to experience a setback. Trying to be perfect in recovery is not a requirement, but can be a goal I reach towards.