January 17

”Do not confuse motion and progress. A rocking horse keeps moving but does not make any progress.” Alfred A. Montapert

There are times when I have tried turning a problem over to my Higher Power and have waited patiently for Him to take care of things. And waited. And waited some more. And then come to the conclusion that perhaps it was something that I could change after all. So instead of asking for it to be taken from me, I prayed for the courage to take action and move forward. This is the way things are supposed to happen sometimes. Some of the main advantages of these delayed actions are that I have ample time to let my emotions cool, time to think of possible solutions and to have an opportunity to discuss the situation with others. If and when I finally do act it is from a more rational and calm place. I am grateful for that time to reflect because it helps me from reacting in the heat of the moment and escalating a given situation. Surrender is becoming more and more natural, but even this I can rely on too often. God’s will might be what I am striving to carry out, but it’s not going to happen of its own accord. I need to do the work to move in the right direction. Otherwise I will just sit on that rocking horse until it can no longer support me.

Affirmation Delaying my actions in emotional situations is often beneficial.  And it is okay if sometimes I need to pray for the courage to do what needs to be done.

December 19

” The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” Mark Twain

There are days when I just don’t feel like being in recovery. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel, give up, lie down in the road and just wait for the next disaster to steamroller over me. Let’s face it, recovery is hard work. It doesn’t happen on a whim, because I think it should, but because I choose to make it happen. Like anything in life, if I try to tackle all of my recovery at once, I will certainly feel like I am overwhelmed and not have much desire to get started. Thankfully the program is broken down into multiple steps, designed to guide me along my recovery gradually. I still need to put the work into each step to keep moving through the process. I know also that I have a network of other that I can rely on to support me and offer suggestions if I am feeling lost. My addiction didn’t surface overnight, nor will my recovery appear as fast. This is a lengthy journey I have embarked upon, and there will be moments where I want to give up. But, then again, returning to the way things used to be, the way I used to live, isn’t’ a viable option either. I will find the resolve to continue forging ahead, one step at a time.

Affirmation One pace, one foot forward, one inch at a time. Progress may come in small doses, but each on is a distancing from my old ways of living.

December 5 (59)

”Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” Will Rogers

Learning about the program is a great help. Having the literature, listening to others, absorbing all the tools and tricks is a part of my recovery. But at some point I need to take action. Leaving my Green book beside my bed is not going to magically transform my behaviours. I need to read and then apply the new knowledge I gain. Just as listening to other people is great, but if I don’t try some of the tools that have worked for others, I can’t expect to be getting better. This is the part of the Serenity Prayer, accepting the things I can change, that I need to be focused on. If I want to stop acting out and behaving like I used to, well then I need to be doing things differently. It’s my task to start making the changes in my life, big or small, to put into practice my program of recovery. That’s why it’s called a program; there is a practical and applicable part that requires me to get involved. Progress will only happen if I am making some kind of effort. The onus is on me; I am the only one who can change what needs to be changed. It is not going to suddenly happen when I get a new job/relationship/life but when I decide that it’s time.

Affirmation I am my own master of my recovery. With the support of my Higher Power and friends in the program, I will take each step forward towards surrender.

October 23

”Hope does not necessarily take the form of excessive confidence; rather it involves the simple willingness to take the next step.” Stanley Hauerwas

I did not learn to run before I crawled, to write before I could print, or to give a speech before I could say “See spot run.” Like most things in life, I have learned skills gradually and progressively, in a series of small steps as my confidence and ability grew. For many of these abilities my goal was to have an adequate level of proficiency. I have never dreamt of being a marathon runner, a famous author, nor a world class orator. SAA has given me hope for a brighter and saner future, starting with today. Like riding a bike, I have taken gradual steps, attending meetings, sharing my story, gaining a sponsor and working the steps. Each is a stepping stone of progress. I have stumbled along the way, but have had sufficient hope to climb back onto the bicycle and try again. I can happily report that I have a new support network that I frequently rely on, that most days I pick up one or more tool of recovery, and that I still go to my meetings as a fundamental part of my program. SAA continues to give me hope. I am grateful for that gift and even happier to be able to share it and encourage others to keep trying.

Affirmation I will make the small steps I need to in order to continue along my path of recovery.

October 4

”The saints are the sinners who keep going.” Robert Louis Stevenson

I am now 18 months into the program and nearly at a year of uninterrupted sobriety. It’s certainly been a time of reflection on where I have been. As I work my steps in my study group, I am gradually moving beyond the sins of my past, one microscopic step at a time. I will readily confess that I am miles from being considered a saint, but gratefully less tempted to label myself a sinner. The healing process is working and I can look myself in the mirror and genuinely appreciate the person looking back at me. If I had to try and figure out the one thing that has allowed me to get this far, my secret for my success if you will, it would be letting go. It sounded so strange and felt so awkward and unnatural in the beginning. But turning over things I cannot control to my Higher Power has given me the power and energy to focus on what I can deal with and have the capacity to change. I have lost track of how often I apply the Serenity Prayer, not just in dealing with my addict, but with life in general. It has easily been the guiding principle that has helped me the most in making it to where I am today, One Day at a Time.

Affirmation It’s good for me to reflect on my progress and to discover the tools that help me the most in my journey of recovery.

August 27

”Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what your do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi

I am more conscious when my life is in harmony; when I feel content with who I am right here, right now. Becoming honest with myself, connecting with my feelings, and being able to speak my mind appropriately give me a new sense of living that feels healthy and whole. I am more often able to be in a state of mind where I feel at peace with myself and connected to my Higher Power and the world around me. Even though parts of me know better, I still have moments where I need to learn the hard way. I will speak to the wrong person, say the wrong thing or have an inappropriate thought. But by the grace of God, as I understand Him, I  now feel how incongruent these behaviours are and recognize that I have indeed changed. I’ll still have to handle the consequences of what I have said or done, but in most cases the lesson has been learned. I am moving forward in my recovery and moving beyond my mistakes. Harmony in my life ebbs and flows like most things. How well I work my program and take care of myself and my basic needs are all factors that I can control to improve my current condition. As long as I keep focusing on the small things I will be much more prepared to face the bigger challenges.

Affirmation May my thoughts, words, and actions match for today. I will be open to my Higher Power working through me.

July 3

”At first dreams seem impossible, then improbable, then inevitable.” Christopher Reeve

When I walked through the doors of my first SAA meeting and knew I had find a place where I belonged, you could not have convinced me of how much my life would change in that first year. Yet a short 12 months later I was working a program with 6-months of solid sobriety, faithfully attending meetings 2 days a week plus a step-study group. I had reconnected my feelings, given my first step, written numerous meditations, taken on a service position and had gained several friends in the fellowship. All this progress was made in spite of the fact that things were still tense in my marriage which eventually led to a separation and shared custody, my spouse having residual effects from a side-relationship they had started, dealing with teenage kids, learning to live on my own, etc. I am still amazed that I have somehow survived all this emotional turmoil without resorting to acting out. I’ve still slipped into my middle circle occasionally, but my inner circle has been avoided. I can only thank my Higher Power and the support of my group for having put all those 24-hour periods together. It’s been far from an easy road, yet I am gaining the faith and confidence to move forward a Day at a Time.

Affirmation I know change is possible, and sooner or later I will be able to look back and see how far I have come by working my program.

May 23

”While it is well enough to leave footprints on the sands of time, it is even more important to make sure they point in a commendable direction.” James Branch Cabell

My life has taken me forwards, backwards, sideways and sometimes I have been in the mud simply spinning my wheels. Looking back there many periods where I made progress, but not in any direction that I am proud of. My addiction has led me down a number of avenues that rightly make me feel guilt and shame for the way I behaved. I no longer try and make excuses, and my path forward leads on through the amends I make. Not all of my past is tarnished; the good periods need to be remembered in equal measure to balance the scale. My future lies before me and how I tackle each new day is a testament to my progress I have made in recovery.  I can look at myself in the mirror and see a person of respect, integrity, and honesty.  Each day I become more authentic as I continue working my program and becoming a living amend for the hurt and pain I have caused myself and others in the past. The great thing about leaving footprints in the sand is that eventually they will fade away. Only the most recent are important in showing the direction my life is now headed. I can keep my head held high, focusing on a new horizon as my journey continues.

Affirmation I will continue to focus on not only moving forward, but in the right directions, by the grace of my Higher Power.

May 1

”One drop of water helps to swell the ocean; a spark of fire helps to give light to the world. None are too small, too poor to be of service. Think of this and act.” Hannah More

It is very true in my own recovery that I take a small step forward each time I use a tool of recovery or reach out for support. All those individual acts add to the overall direction of my recovery. I need not bite off large chunks of my problems in one sitting, but I can be content to work slowly, rebuilding my inner self brick by brick. Unfortunately, I am also realizing that the flip side is equally true. When I allow myself to entertain middle circle thoughts and behaviours, I give momentum to my addiction. Just like rolling a small snowball from the top of a steep hill, each time I go into my old patterns of thinking, my snowball rolls further down the hill and increases in size. I do not want to let it make it all the way down the slope and become a huge snow boulder. If I drop the ball in working my recovery, I need to ask for the strength and courage to jump right back on track. The longer I let myself roll downhill, the bigger the snowball that I have to get around and the more of the hill that I have to climb to get back to where I was. I would rather start that ascent sooner than later...and save my self the pain and effort of that trek.

Affirmation I will be aware of the small acts that affect my recovery, but also be wary of those that can lead me in the opposite direction.

March 1

”Man is only now more active – not more happy – nor more wise, than he was 6000 years ago.” Edgar Allan Poe

I’ve heard it said that some people confuse movement for progress. I know I’ve experienced it in my own life, and even in my own recovery. Some days my best coping mechanism is to simply keep busy. While this technique may work for the short-term, it tends to fail over the long-term. I am learning that it’s not as important to keep busy as it is to continue doing the appropriate things for my recovery. Spending hours in front of the TV or surfing the internet (safely) do not contribute much to my emotional and spiritual health. They’re simply distractions. Attending meetings (in person, on the phone or on-line), calling my sponsor or a brother or sister in the program, reading recovery-related material, exercise, prayer, meditation or any of the many other activities that now reside in my outer circle are much more productive ways to spend my time. It’s critical that I focus on these new tools rather than time wasters that eventually lead back to my old habits and behavioural patterns.

Affirmation Today I make a conscience choice to practice my outer circle behaviours to reinforce my commitment to recovery.

February 25

”The person who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.” Chinese Proverb

Many of life’s challenges are daunting and impossible when we look at the whole picture. Trying to see where we will be at the end without seeing all the steps we can take to get to our goal can weaken our will and desire to move forward. The critical task is to look at the first steps and start taking them to move towards our objective. Picking up those first small stones will lead us towards the task of moving the mountain. The important thing is making that effort and in turn progress. When we reduce a large problem into smaller tasks and figure out a place to begin, the endeavour that seemed insurmountable in the first place often seems achievable and much less daunting. Our journey in our recovery is often like this. Even though we may not always make the right choice all the time, if we keep the end in sight and continue to move towards it, we are making progress.

Affirmation I can take a small step towards resolving a larger problem and be proud that I am taking action.