April 27

"Don't wait. The time will never be just right.” Napoleon Hill

Fear is a powerful emotion, often paralyzing, freezing me in my tracks, even before I have attempted to take the first step. Fear of failure, of making the wrong choice, of not being able to follow through, of not having the skills or ability to succeed. My fear manifests in many different forms, but no matter how it appears, the goal is the same, to keep me within the safe and comfortable chains of what I know. This is not a recipe for growth or change. In order learn, to improve, to become a better person, I need to take risks and voyage into the unknown. I need to break free from the chains of my past to try something new, to be open to failure, to be vulnerable. In my struggles I am learning to see the presence of fear from a new perspective. Rather than it being an obstacle, it is becoming a sign post that I am moving towards growth and development, that I am challenging myself and my beliefs. It is becoming an clear indicator that I am making progress and moving in a new direction. I am turning my fear into positive motivation.

Affirmation

I will pause when I feel afraid today to investigate the message behind it, and look to use it to fuel my decision to change and grow.

March 29

"But fear is an incompetent teacher...to be alive is a responsibility as well as a right.” Patrick Stewart

I've heard the mantra in the program than pain is a teacher. I think that is a more valuable assessment, so I agree with the actor's statement as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, fear is not a great teacher. Fear has taught me to hide, to cower, to run away from adversity and difficult. Pain used to teach me the same thing, but only because I turned to the compulsive and obsessive behaviours and acts of my addiction. In recovery, pain is a signal that there is something going on that I need to pay attention to, that this is an opportunity for growth and change, not something that I from which I need to escape.      I have been given this life, for a reason, I have a purpose. I have both a responsibility, and the right, to use the talents, skills, and abilities that I possess, to live the best and most productive life that I can. My addictive past was selfish and self-centered. My life in recovery, while taking care of myself may be seen as a selfish act, is all about widening my horizons so that I am an active part of my community and the world. It is about being the best me I can in order to give service to others.     I still face fear and pain. I still have regret, shame and guilt. Yet these are no longer the dominating emotions in my world. Rather, I am able to focus on the hope, joy, serenity and beauty in the world. I am maturing, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and even in my relationships. I am more connected to myself, more in harmony between my thoughts, words, and actions.

Affirmation

I will be open to the signs of fear and pain in my life today and look for the opportunities within them for growth and development.

August 15

”Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.” Eliza Tabor

I’m not sure how noble my soul is, but I can certainly accept that my intentions in recovery are indeed noble. The process of wanting to better myself, to leave my poor habits and behaviours behind while replacing them with more mature and positive ones is certainly a noble endeavour. Disappointment, failure and even loss can be used to fuel change. They can be the starting point to temper my resolve, to strengthen my courage, and to intensify my commitment. While they do not destroy, if I feed them instead with worry, doubt and fear, they will cover up my feelings, dragging me down the path of despair and desolation. Herein lies my dilemma, to choose the path that will nurture me and help me grow, or to follow the other which will stunt and retard my progress. The latter path is well known to me, the way is smooth and free of obstacles. The nurturing path is barely cut and full of thistles and thorns, deadfall that blocks the path, mud and other challenges. Yet it is in the struggle that I rediscover myself, that I put my new tools and ability to use and begin to build new roots. Setback is something I expect, I am learning to do things a new way and I accept that I will make mistakes. The goal is to continue trying and moving away from my old ways of behaving. This is part of the adventure of my new life.

Affirmation

My perception of failure, disappointment and setbacks can change to be a positive thing, a source of inspiration to continue down my new path.

November 12

”Faith in small things has repercussions that ripple all the way out. In a huge dark room a little match can light up the place.” Joni Eareckson Tada

Delving into my past continues to bring to light things that shaped my life, and that pushed me to the paths that I took. One of those broad subjects is fear. I am only starting to explore this in more detail, but I have already gained a sense that this was a bigger part of my growing up than I ever imagined. One simple exercise of investigating some of the major events of my life at various ages has started to bring some things to light. One recurring pattern is a fear of rejection which has shown up in events from school, work and with friends over the years. Another is a fear of abandonment, from episodes in my family and choices that I have made throughout the past. Over time, some of this fear became irrational, and held more power in my life than was warranted. It was one of the tools used by my addiction to keep the cycle going. A new concept for me is to see fear as a friend. In truth, a healthy fear could hold this place, as it serves as a warning that there is danger ahead. When the threat is real, then fear is a perfectly reasonable emotion. My challenge is to stop manufacturing fears, or making them seem worse or larger than they are to cause stress which then needs to be dealt with.

Affirmation I will work at accepting my fears, tempered by the reality of the situation that they occur in. May my Higher Power grant me the wisdom to separate these accordingly today.

October 22

”Success is not a destination, it’s a journey.” Zig Ziglar

One of my personal triggers is travel. Being away from the familiar increases my stress because I feel less secure, more uncomfortable, and do not relish being alone. It is that fear of being along that comes out the strongest. I think that is from years of my acting out where all that activity kept me from spending quiet moments with myself where I could hear my internal thoughts which would have led to me seeing the conflict my actions were creating. I had to keep busy, keep making noise, so that those thoughts of wrongness would not escape the chaos and register in my head. Life is indeed a journey. I cannot go back to those earlier years and take the time to slow down and listen to the turmoil I was creating and choose to instead listen. I can choose, however, to listen to those thoughts and feelings now, to recognize the moments of discomfort when life feels incongruous. These are times where I need to pay closer attention and check if my thoughts, words and actions are aligned.

Affirmation In denying parts of myself, in avoiding listening fully to how I feel, I cut out important parts of my being. I will find time today to sit quietly and pay attention to my inner monologue.

August 24

”Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” Epictetus

I think this quote sums up what the program has been trying to teach me. That I need to be okay knowing there is only so much I can do, and that the rest I simply have to accept things as they are. It is also providing me with tools to help me be in a better position to do my best and to be able to fully commit to those things that I can do. Life is complex. Relationships, at least the ones that matter, are complicated. Yet amidst all this I can still follow the Keep It Simple principle. I have the ability to not add my own complexity into the situations around me. The most direct way for me to do this is to be aware of my own feelings and actions, to take responsibility for what I say and do, and stay in the present. Realizing that strong emotions are a sign from my body that something important is happening, as opposed to something I need to react to, is helping me guide my behaviours. All this is part of my continuing emotional maturity that takes away power from the need for my compulsions of the past. Fear of many things has diminished as I continue to learn more about myself. I have fewer problems with rejection, abandonment, self-worth, and acceptance. I have been able to create boundaries and develop healthy friendships. I have learned to use my talents for productive reasons that support my outer circle. I am returning to the person I know my Higher Power wants me to be.

Affirmation Getting to know myself is not only helpful for me, but for everyone I interact with. It gives me insight and direction on how to be a better citizen.

August 22

”For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7

It still takes me by surprise when I see myself reacting differently in stressful situations. It is comforting to know my immediate reaction is to turn to the Serenity Prayer, or other prayer or meditation, to focus on the present, count my blessings or one of the other new techniques that help me seek the will of my Higher Power. I still have fears and worries. Yet they no longer have the power they once did, they do not feed my addiction nor lead me to all my compulsive behaviours as they would have in the past. I am adapting better to life events as they occur, more accepting of how situations unfold, and more confident that things will work out the way they are meant to, and that it will all be good in the end. I am content to be second and to let my Higher Power show me the way. I am still taking responsibility for my own role, for the duties I need to fulfill. But I don’t have to be in complete control, I trust that the God of my understanding has the plans well in hand. My spirit has been renewed and I am grateful for the grace that has been shown me.

Affirmation I will Let Go and Let God today and allow my actions be guided through the Higher Power that I have faith is looking out for my best interests.

May 17

”Worry is like a rocking chair, it will give you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere.” Anonymous

One of the biggest shifts in working and living my program is the fact that I am trying to be in the moment. Not in the past, not in what happened an hour ago, a year ago or a decade ago. Nor in the future, what might happen later today, on the weekend or a month from now. The most important thing is right here, right now, this very instant. Worry is a thief. It steals my energy, my concentration, but more importantly it takes away the present. It will certainly fill my time, and make me consider a number of things that will pre-occupy me, but it does not lead me to action. Worry is a master of inaction, very similar in that respect to fear. Fear is conquered by courage. Worry is conquered by surrender and faith. By the belief that my Higher Power is holding me in His hands, that He knows what is best for me and will lead me along the right path if I trust and follow His direction. My task is to continue doing the right things, to work my program, follow the steps, reach out, pray and meditate. The rest will happen as He has designed.

Affirmation I will be wary when my thoughts turn to worry and take me away from the present moment. I will keep surrendering myself to the will of God.

March 2

”Trust yourself. If you don’t learn to trust yourself, you will never be happy. You’ll always be deferring your authority to someone or something outside of you.” Paul Selig

One member’s introduction made a big impression on me and served as a reminder of the fact that I often go to a meeting to share the things I don’t want to say. Recently this message took on a new meaning as I began to look more at my actions, primarily as part of my work on Step 10. What I have discovered is not only that I need to share the things I don’t want to talk about or prefer to keep a secret, but that I also need to apply this to what I do. I have many choices in my day of what needs to get done  or what I should be doing, and I have recognized that I often shy away from the things I don’t want do. Just like I need to share the things I would rather not bring out into the open, I am realizing that the things I don’t want to do are what I should be doing. Most often they are related to my recovery and taking better care of myself. I was too used to shirking my responsibilities during my active addiction, of finding everything I could do other than what really needed to be done, so this is another area where I need to work and develop better habits.

Affirmation I will prayer for the strength and courage to do the things that I would rather not today. The challenge they present is a block I need to overcome to grow.

April 8

”Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” Ambrose Redmoon

Fear is a natural instinct; its role is there to help us distinguish things that are good for our survival from those that threaten it. It’s an automated response and determination that happens before we have the chance to think and evaluate a situation without any coherent reasoning. Yet our brain has not evolved in this process are we are very rarely in situations of immediate danger when our fear reflex responds. We need to be able to adjust to the initial shock, the fight, flight or freeze response, and allow the moment to pass then determine the real level of danger and threat in what is happening around us. This is not to say the reflex does not have some merit, there are certainly occasions where our life may be in imminent danger. But our fear reflex in most day-to-day confrontations is merely a reflection of our ego and basic needs and desires being threatened. We often put more emphasis on our fear response than the situation demands.

Affirmation Today I will be aware of the times I feel afraid and give myself time to evaluate why I feel threatened. I will react with an appropriate response and not one based on fear.

March 10

”We cannot be right with God when we are wrong with others.” Lehman Strauss

Step Five is all about forgiveness. One of the more difficult challenges we may face in this step is admitting the exact nature of our wrongs. We fear going into the past, reliving our mistakes and wondering if doing such activity will pull us back into our addictive patterns. The reality is that we need to express our faults, release our resentments and fears in order to be free of them. Only by doing so can we gain the freedom to will allow us to move forward in our recovery. Holding onto our negative past, especially those parts related directly to our addiction, keeps us trapped and more prone to relapse. In forgiving ourselves it can be helpful to remember that our Higher Power has already done likewise, even without us asking. We’ve been supported, and carried when required, through the worst times by the God of our understanding. The act of forgiving ourselves is powerful, liberating so much of our energy that has kept our faults under lock and key. The pain of the process comes with great satisfaction and hope of a brighter tomorrow.

Affirmation I will find the courage to forgive myself and open myself to my Higher Power in the process