November 12

” It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” J. K. Rowling

I believe that addiction, any addiction, is a disease of choice. That the addictive process affects the brain’s ability to make choices, to evaluate a situation and to understand the repercussions of our actions. As most significant recovery literature points out, without this disease, the threat of the consequences, the harm it can and does cause to ourselves and those around us, would be enough to make us stop. The fact that we, that I, continued to make choices to support my addiction and to act out in spite of the damage it would cause, confirms that belief. I have learned in recovery that although I have this disease which affects how I make decisions, I am not doomed forever. The problem is only present when I am actively supporting my addict, and when I am sober, when I abstain from those behaviours and activities that are part of my addiction, I can and do make sane and healthy choices. It is said that actions speak louder than words. By corollary, my abilities, the things I am capable of, are not worth much if they do no match my choices and how I decide to interact with the world around me. My program is giving me the tools and tips to be a productive and connected member of society, rather than isolating and only seeking to fulfill my own selfish desires. I am grateful for the gift of choice which has been restored to me by working the steps.

Affirmation

I will focus on my ability to make choices today, and work at making the best choices that I can to support my program and my recovery.

April 16

“Life is a sum of all your choices.” Albert Camus

This is the place I keep coming back to, the decision place. My life cannot simply just happen, things do not just automatically occur. There are always choices to be made, paths to be followed, and actions to be taken. In this endeavour, I am somewhat handicapped by my addiction, this disease of choice, which has placed within me a path which takes priority unless I consciously choose otherwise. So it goes, each day a struggle, an ongoing battle against an enemy that lives within me, in my thoughts and deeds. I tried explaining this to someone close to me, and the best example I could come up was to compare it to having a constant craving for chocolate. If this was me, then there are days when it is easier, when I can be at home, at work, or elsewhere and not come across any chocolate, and thus fight back the craving. Other days I might come across it only a few times, and find the strength to resist the temptation. Yet other days are like Valentine’s Day, Halloween or Christmas where chocolate is everywhere I turn, and the fight is very present and real to stay away. Yet most of this war is fought within my thoughts, unbeknownst to those around me. There are little outward signs of my struggle that constantly rages within. I guess maybe that is the reason that I continue to go through periods where I get lay and stop making the right choices. Combatting my disease is at times exhausting and I just want to take a break and get away. But I can never get away, the only thing that happens when I decided to relax my program is that my addiction is given more freedom to influence my life. So it is back to work, to pick up my sword and continue to work against this illness, to fight, fight, fight for my life.

Affirmation

I choose to be in recovery today. I choose to make the sane choices, to move away from those that feed my addiction. I choose to be free!

October 10

”Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32

As I have said many times, and I am likely to continue repeating, life is about choices. Through the program and my tools like the 12 Steps and the Serenity Prayer, I am getting better at being able to see where and when to make good choices. Bitterness, anger, frustration, malice – these are not choices that enhance my calm. Being loving, tenderhearted, forgiving, showing compassion – these are attitudes that make me feel genuinely good and support my recovery. There is a great parallel here to my program of recovery. Much of my focus these days is on incorporating my outer circle activities into as much of my life as possible. These are the healthy choices that not only support my recovery work, but they also help out my family, community, and workplace. In making decisions that support my new lifestyle, I strengthen my commitment and desire to continue living this way, free from the manipulation and control of my addiction. Much of my time is spent looking at how I can be of service to others, be it my children, my partner, my colleagues, or whomever I am in contact with. In doing so, I am gradually rebuilding my own self-esteem and confidence. I am increasing my self-love, self-acceptance, and fulfilling my own basic needs without needing to have them filled temporarily by sources outside myself. All this leads to a healthier, happier, and more resilient me.

Affirmation

Positive choices today, from my attitude to the activities that I undertake, have a significant influence on how good I will feel, and how healthy and sober my day will be.

September 29

”And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” Abraham Lincoln

These days, weeks and months of sobriety have given me the freedom and opportunities to look at my future. Some of that focus has been thinking about what kind of legacy I want to leave behind. Some of it has been looking at the things I would like to accomplish or the places I would like to go. One of the most interesting exercises/experiences I have done was a reflection on how my priorities in life would change if I found out I had only 1 year left to live. This made me challenge the things I am doing today to look and see if there were important things that are often being pushed to the side. I know it has made me more conscientious about spending time with those close to me, family and friends alike. It has also helped me to view of my worries and fears from a new perspective that makes me want to think about them a lot less. The biggest improvement in my life is my continually growing aptitude of living in the moment. Putting the past behind me and leaving the future to happen in its own time are huge hurdles to overcome in living for the now. Yet this is where I am needed most, right here is where I have the most to give, this exact instant is where I have the power of choice. My Higher Power has given me a huge gift, the freedom to decide what I want to do with the time that has been given to me. It’s high time that I take that responsibility seriously and respect this precious offering.

Affirmation

Time is an insubstantial thing, except for the moment I am in. It is here that life, decisions, and everything is tangible. This is where I need to be to make my life exceptional.

August 25

”Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way.” Les Brown

Part of my self-discovery in my recovery work has been to look at some of the beliefs that I have carried with me from childhood. One area has been to investigate all the things I have learned from the fairy tales of my youth. In doing so, there are many simple truths that simply aren’t true. Happily ever after, well it may exist, but it doesn’t just fall into anyone’s lap. Love at first sight, well experience would say lust, and then reality eventually comes back into the picture. This internal work continues to show me, time and time again, that most of the things that are worthwhile in my life will only remain that way as long as I continue to choose to make them a priority. I will continue to be in love because I make the choice, each and every day, to love the partner I am with. As a result I will dedicate time and energy to nurture that relationship. Choosing to be a good father/coworker/friend falls into the same pattern. The simple truth of the matter is that it is where I put my time and energy that counts. This is where my willpower comes into play. I do have the capacity to choose to focus on these positive aspects. I do have the ability to turn my will over to my Higher Power, and ask for help to keep them a priority. In committing to recovery, in seeking to learn how to be a better me, I have little choice but to move away from my old behaviours that held me back. The motivation is within me, and always has been.

Affirmation

It’s not enough for me to say I want something. I need to make the effort to incorporate what I want into my life in order to realize my goals.

July 22

”You may not control all of the events that happen to you but you can decide not to be reduced buy them.” Maya Angelou

I recently re-watched the movie Forrest Gump, having not seen it in a number of years. If there is a lesson to be learned from that movie, it is to never settle for what anyone else thinks you are capable of. The main character of Forrest, while shown as someone mentally challenged, has a complete disregard for the boundaries and limitations that others want to impose upon him. Instead, he follows his instincts, naïve as they may be at times, but accomplishes great things without seeking to do so. Life may not be quite that Hollywood-esque for most of us, but there is a good point here. In allowing others, or even myself, to put limitations, to listen to worries and fears, I reduce the chances I have to do great things. I believe that my Higher Power has given me the tools to do limitless thing, but I need to act upon that faith and not fall prey to my doubts. There is opportunity in every situation. I never used to think that way, but was more in the company of accepting my lot in life, whatever happened was meant to happen. My outlook has changed as I have seen what I, and many others, have been able to achieve after having been through very dark and low places. I have seen how my weaknesses have been turned into my greatest assets. I choose to see life as endless possibilities rather than a predetermined fate. I choose to participate in life, regardless of what happens around me.

Affirmation

Every situation is an opportunity and I will look for them today, rather than resigning myself to fate.

May 10

”We cheerfully assume that in some mystic way love conquers all, that good outweighs evil in the just balances of the universe and that at the eleventh hour something gloriously triumphant will prevent the worst before it happens.” Brooks Atkinson

I do believe there is a certain balance in life, and that the disparity between right and wrong, good and evil, is part of how the world is structured. But I no longer think that there is a huge fight to figure out which side will win. All of this exists at the same time, good, evil, pain, sorrow, joy and sadness. Each has an equal part in the world, and in all human beings, me included. The path we take and the choices we make direct which parts of the universe we will focus on and share with the rest of the world. It’s by my own hand that I can make the world a better, more positive place, sharing joy and creativity with those I meet. Or, I can turn inward, and selfishly take from the world, seeking to meet my greed, and in kind leave the world a more bitter, lonely and miserable place for others. I have spent too much time blaming this, that, and the other thing for where I am in my life. Yet I am a product of my past, and the decisions I made along the way. I need to take responsibility for my part in getting to where I am today. I do have hope and faith for a better and brighter future, because, by the grace of my Higher Power, I am more aware of my personal impact. I have the power to make changes, to shape the world how I would like to see it each and every day. For those opportunities, I am eternally grateful.

Affirmation

God, grant me the courage today to make good changes in the world, to continue to strive making this planet a better place to live.

May 8

”Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible.” Cherie-Carter Scotts

Each day I am reminded of how much I still have to learn. Life is full of surprises and opportunities to increase my knowledge and awareness. I’m not sure that I agree that there are no mistakes, but there is certainly a chance to garnish some new nugget of insight from everything that happens in my day. It can be something small like appreciating time with one of my children, reflecting on how I acted in a specific instance, or gathering information before making a decision. Life is a series of endless possibilities, and I have a part to play in the path my life takes. Even though I am working to follow the will of my Higher Power, that endeavour takes effort and a directed purpose on my part to be realized. It will simply not happen as a series of random events. I do need to be a driver to keep going on the right course, making the right turns when needed, avoiding the pitfalls and obstacles along the way. While I know it is important to make good choices, I am less concerned with this than in the past. Instead, I put my confidence in the fact that I am prepared to deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. This doesn’t mean that I act impulsively or with blind disregard, but I that I have faith that even if I don’t make the best decision that I will live through it. It’s all a part of living life on life’s terms.

Affirmation

Live, decide, act, accept the consequences. I can make my life this simple today and handle whatever comes my way.

February 27

”Turn your face to the sunshine and all shadows fall behind.” Helen Keller

I have referred to my past as a shadow, a scar, a darkness, a deep pit, an angry wolf and other names in a similar vein. It’s not something that I typically look at from any sort of positive view. It is a stain on my soul, on my being, that I wish I could was away. But it is not so temporary. I have a choice today, a choice to let that murky past overshadow my present, to be the little black cloud over my head that follows everywhere that I go. Or, I can choose to leave the past where it belongs, behind me, and turn towards the sun and the good choices I am making in recovery. This is one of the great freedoms I have found since finding the program, the ability to choose to live in the present and find the positive in the world around me. In my journey so far, there have even been moments where I have looked at my shadow-self and embraced it. Although I may not welcome all that has happened, I am at least grateful that it was part of what brought me here to this moment. It was not perhaps the best way I could have reached where I am, but then again, maybe it was the path I was meant to follow. I would not be the same person without all the experiences that have come my way.

Affirmation I have a good power in being able to decide today, right now, how to view my past, and to let it darken my skies, or to rejoice and give thanks for letting it bring me to this moment.

August 31

”What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there is nothing to compare it with.” Anonymous

One of the things I have struggled with in recovery is redefining what a normal life is. After years of living a double-life, of escaping reality through fantasy and acting out, it’s been quite the adjustment to the “real world.” A big part of the challenge is the fact that I don’t have an easy gauge to determine what normal is…life until recovery had been abnormal. One of the tricks I have used these past couple of years is to see what my first instinct is and then do the opposite, or at least something very different. For example, if I get the urge to turn on the TV knowing I am going to watch without a time limit or other boundaries, I pick up recovery material to read instead. If I have a pull to skip a meeting, or to pass on calling a friend in recovery, I go to the meeting or make the call. Or if I feel the need to make a decision on my own and trust my gut, I wait and ask for advice before deciding what to do. It’s taken a renewed faith in a Higher Power to recognize some of these warning signs and to realize that I don’t always make the best choices. I do believe addiction, and this means all addictions, no matter the drug of choice, are a disease of choice. That the hyper-stimulation of our brains affected my ability to make good choices, to weigh options and realize the consequences, before they happened. So I am learning to trust others to help guide me as I regain a better sense of how to make good choices.

Affirmation I will humble myself enough to allow others to advise and guide me as my past has clearly demonstrated that I have not made the best decisions.

June 27

”We must use time wisely and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do right.” Nelson Mandela

In my education of addiction, I have heard this disease referred to as an addiction of choice. That the chemical substance or behaviour affects those parts of the brain that control one’s ability to make choices, to recognize the consequences, and to attach proper emotions to our actions. As I believe this to be true, then it certainly sheds a new light on some of my past behaviours, especially the irrationality of many of the times when I acted out, especially those in times when things were going well in my life. Gaining sobriety and serenity in recovery allows me freedom from the pull of my addiction to start making different choices. I need that respite to break out of the automated responses that put my addiction first and foremost in importance for my survival. This is challenging to explain to others, the fact that my addiction has hijacked my brain’s normal order of the things that are important for me to stick around for the next 15 seconds, pushing my drug of choice to the top of the list. The 12-Steps are a path of new choices, a new power greater than myself that still allows me the freedom to make my own decisions and take appropriate action. Sobriety gives my brain the time to reset the equilibrium of the things that are most important such as food and shelter.

Affirmation In order for me to have the time to do what is right, I must put my program first. In finding serenity within the Steos, I will increase my capacity to make better choices.

January 2

”Decide on what you think is right, and stick to it.” George Eliot

That little voice in the back of my head, my conscience, has become louder as I have kept up longer and longer periods of sobriety. My growing awareness of my thoughts, words and actions make it that much harder for me to live in blind ignorance, especially when to comes to anything that pertains to my addiction and recovery. I can no longer innocently claim that I don’t know any better as it is simply not true. One of the cornerstones of my recovery is my rigorous honesty, both with me and with others. This means that just answering questions truthfully when asked is not enough, but that I have to willingly disclose information that I am not questioned about. It means checking in with my sponsor or someone else in the program on a regular basis, on good days and bad days alike. My gut instinct has regained its place as a source to be trusted. No longer is my life dominated by my sexually compulsive behaviours, but by my recovery. The scales have tipped back in favour of my Higher Power and so I must remain vigilant and honest about keeping my choices in line with that balance. I do know better and as a result I am doubly accountable for my actions.

Affirmation I resolve to stay committed to my recovery today and to knowingly make choices to support that decision rather than settling for my old, poor behaviours.

November 3 (91)

”My basic principle is that you don’t make decisions because they are cheap, you make them because they’re right” Theodore Hesburgh

It’s still a struggle, even with a year of sobriety, to fully trust my ability to make decisions. Even though I am learning to trust others, to ask for advice and guidance, I still have moments where I act impulsively instead. I don’t always make the best decisions like this, but I am at least conscientious enough to live with the consequences. I am growing and gaining confidence to make choices on my own. Yet I still have a ways to go to gain back my faith in my own ability. As I become healthier, I still need to remind myself how fragile I am. The new coat of armor I wear from my journey in recovery is often only paper-thin and can be torn away with a careless act or word spoken without caution. I need to continue to be vigilant and proactive to avoid the pitfalls that are all around me – temptation is often only a glance away. In the end I need to continuously try to weigh my choices against the will of the God of my understanding. This is my new measuring stick to help me along the right path. I do better when I don’t try to make decisions for my own benefit but put my Higher Power and others first.

Affirmation I will strive to do the right thing, seek help and confirmation of my decisions and trust in God’s will.

October 13

”After winter comes the summer. After night comes the dawn. And after every storm, there comes clear, open skies.” Samuel Rutherford

The bad thing about life is that it is always changing. As much as I would like things to stay still, to freeze time at those points where I am happy and content, it simply doesn’t happen. Life keeps marching merrily along to its own beat, fulfilling some unseen design. The good thing about life is that it is always changing. I will get stuck in ruts and go through rough patches. There will be times when I am sad, feel blue, get ill or I am simply in a foul mood. These things will pass as life continues its journey all around me. My choice in the matter is how I want to travel along the river of life.  I can choose today to struggle against the current, to refuse to accept and acknowledge the events in my surroundings and to try to go in the opposite direction. I can choose to do very little, and simply float, letting the current take me where it wills. Or, I can decide to participate, to swim with the flow of events as I embrace the world as it unfolds. What will be your choice today? Me, I think my decision is to jump in and ride the waves, trusting in my Higher Power’s will.

Affirmation Change is all around me, a constant part of being alive. Today I will join it rather than fight it and see where I end up.

September 24

”I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling the truth than adore me for telling you lies.” Pietro Aretino

Joining SAA has been the start of a re-commitment to being honest. It is hard to start being truthful to myself, admitting my mistakes, acknowledging my actions, and being prepared to accept the consequences. It has been a simple admission that I am not a bad person but that I have made poor decisions that led me to my bottoming out. Today is about making better choices. I have more confidence as I know I don’t need to do things all on my own. I am learning to trust in the God of my understanding to remain teachable and open to His will. The atmosphere of my meetings has provided me safe haven to share my secrets and deflate their power. It has allowed me to accept myself as I am, the good parts and the not-so-good all mixed together. I feel much less shame about who I am and what I have done. My continuing journey of self-acceptance has enabled me to carry this confidence into the rest of my life. I am improving as a father, as a colleague and as a friend as I connect with others rather than isolating and hiding in my own little world. Honesty is a regular part of my day, in all things big or small. It’s important to me that I be an authentic and genuine person. I feel better at the end of the day knowing that I have followed the better path in dealing with others and with myself.

Affirmation For today I will focus on telling the truth and in listening to the true way I feel as events take place around me.

September 22

”The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.” Oscar Wilde

My addiction seems to hold true to this idea. Once a seed is planted to fall into middle or inner circle behaviour, it is an inevitability that I will find myself there. It may take minutes, hours or even days, but eventually I will succumb to the uncontrollable desire. Yet if I honestly look at my period of recovery thus far, while I have indeed slipped along the way, I certainly have not acted upon every addictive thought that has crossed my mind, in fact far from it. There is one part of my recovery where it is still challenging to be gentle to myself. The perfectionist in me wants the clean track record, no slips, and no fantasies, to deny anything that is part of who I no longer wish to be. While that is the goal I am striving for, I need to be gentler and realistic in seeing that I will not achieve this instantaneously. There is no switch to flip to turn that part of me off. I am glad that even though I give in to the temptation from time to time, that I can disagree with Mr. Wilde in believing that this is always the case. I have choices and I can choose to do something else. Recovery continues to give me ways to live differently and handle the situations life puts before me.

Affirmation I have choices and there is power within me, supported by my Higher Power and my fellowship, to choose a new path.

August 22

”When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.” Mae West

Hmm, does that ever sound like my addict. I can all too readily recall how I would get caught acting out in specific ways by my spouse, promise never to do behaviour X again (and truly mean it), then pick up behaviour Y which was usually worse and had more dire consequences. And so went those downward spirals where everything was darker, where more was needed to get the desired effect, and more risk was taken. Recovery is about making choices too. But now I can usually recognize the “evil” choice and instead go for the “live” choice, the healthy way to act that supports my growth and maturity in the program. I can see that the choices of my addiction negatively impact my serenity whereas outer circle and program-related activities stimulate me in positive directions. Life still means taking risks. I have more awareness of where my decisions, good or bad, can lead me after everything I have learned from others in the program. I can no longer claim to be naïve and ignorant of the consequences of my actions. I am responsible now for my recovery.

Affirmation Choosing recovery means choosing to be accountable. It’s not about perfection but about accepting the consequences of my decisions.

June 23

”Many of our fears are tissue paper thing, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.” Brendan Francis

I am often my own worst enemy when it comes to making choices. I can analyze, find excuses, rationalize all the things that could go wrong and simply stall until I end up doing nothing at all. I do this out of fear, anxiety or simply ignorance. Well, at least this is how I used to be most of the time. Since I have begun surrendering to my Higher Power and reflect on the things in my life that I can change, my confidence has indeed been returning. In making choices once again, but from a state of serenity has shown me how often my fears and worries are unjustified and only served to keep me within the clutches of my addiction.  Each decision helps me strengthen my resolve and increases my ability to continue making choices. It diminishes y need to overthink and analyze life to the point of inaction. Today I look at my decisions as much as possible form the point of view of what feels like the will of my Higher Power rather than my own desire. Usually this means doing the opposite of what my initial reaction is in a given situation. This reversal of decision-making has often kept me from heading down paths that would have led me to acting out so I believe there is some truth in continuing to use this tool.

Affirmation I need to be careful in making choices, but not so cautious as to do nothing at all.

June 11

”Man cannot remake himself without suffering.” Alexis Carrel

I believe nothing is free in this life and those things that we have to suffer for the most are usually those that we most appreciate. Things that come easy are too simply forgotten or taken for granted. I look back on my life and choices, and I can see that those times where I had to make the hard decisions, to face my responsibility and to confront situations rather than turning away are the times that have meant the most to me in the long term. It’s never fun to have to fumble through life, but I think life is meant to be a struggle. I don’t think we are here to enjoy it as much as to learn. We seem to learn best in adversity. This train of thought reminds me of the movie The Matrix, where one of the computer avatars is explaining that the first version of the matrix was utopian, but it did not sufficiently stimulate the humans, which is why the second version was filled with pain, strife, struggle and the pursuit of happiness. We need to suffer before we can grow.

Affirmation I may not relish the strife in my life today, but there is a positive aspect in that it is an opportunity for growth.

April 16

”You will never find time for anything. You must make it.” Charles Buxton

Excuses, excuses, the world is full of them. I can think of many reasons why not to do something. The thing is that the easier, softer way usually leads me to where I don’t want to go. Back into my middle and inner circle behaviours, to places where I hide and isolate and ignore my tools of recovery. I can make the decision every morning to wear my tool belt of recovery, but I still need to consciously pick up a tool when I need it, whether its journaling, prayer, meditation, reaching out for help, whatever it may be. If I do not find good things to fill my time, if I do not practice my outer circle behaviours, my addict is all too ready and willing to fill it in for me. My challenge is to make time for the things that support my recovery, with at least as much vigour as I was willing to devote to supporting my compulsive sexual behaviour. In active addiction I could always find the time to get my “fix”, I can certainly spend at least some of the energy to fuel my healing.

Affirmation I will use my time wisely. I have the power to do productive things today for my recovery.