February 12

”Habits are cobwebs at first; cables at last.” Chinese Proverb

How true this is! My addiction was not something that came in like a tidal wave, strong and overpowering, taking control in a single motion. It began as a small river, slowly eroding away at the bank, carving a slow, steady path into my life. Over the days, weeks and years that constant stream of water ran deeper, grew wider and stronger, and gained momentum. Recovery started in damage control, throwing sandbanks along the river’s edge to stop the water that was flooding parts of my life. Since then, it’s been about creating new pathways for the river to flow, ones that are healthy and maintained, and created with purpose, not left to run wildly along, uncontrolled and unmanaged. The damage from the river of my addiction is likely to stay. Even should the waters fully recede, the dry riverbed will remain, waiting to accept new water at any time. My task in recovery is to keep the waters diverted to their new routes, through the diligence of working my program.

Affirmation My addiction crept into my life slowly, and so too will my new program of recovery. With time and persistence, my actions will change for the better of myself and those around me.

December 17

” The splendor of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not rob the little violet of its scent nor the daisy of its simple charm. If every tiny flower wanted to be a rose, spring would lose its loveliness.” Thérèse of Lisieux

I remember in my early days of recovery worrying about what other people in the room might think of me, but also that no one else had experienced the same bizarre, outrageous and warped fantasies that played in my own head. There was nobody who would be able to relate, who would have had similar experiences that could truly understand where I was coming from. Luckily it didn’t take long for me to realize that even though the specifics of my behaviors didn’t match exactly with anyone else, the causes and effects were the same. The loss of control, of doing things purely out of habit or when I really didn’t want to was common to all. As was the unmanageability, the multiple attempts to stop, the total removal of any acting out materials only to start anew, the hopelessness and desperation of not knowing how to get off the addiction treadmill. My recovery might be faster if all the addicts were the same as me, but more likely it wouldn’t happen at all as I would get nothing but affirmation that I was like all the others. It is the differences in all those I meet that I cherish, that give me cause to look at a number of aspects in my own life to make improvements. I am glad for the variety that is helping to shape my recovery.

Affirmation I will rejoice in the individuality I find at meetings that enhances the common goal of stopping addictive sexual behaviour.

September 22

”The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.” Oscar Wilde

My addiction seems to hold true to this idea. Once a seed is planted to fall into middle or inner circle behaviour, it is an inevitability that I will find myself there. It may take minutes, hours or even days, but eventually I will succumb to the uncontrollable desire. Yet if I honestly look at my period of recovery thus far, while I have indeed slipped along the way, I certainly have not acted upon every addictive thought that has crossed my mind, in fact far from it. There is one part of my recovery where it is still challenging to be gentle to myself. The perfectionist in me wants the clean track record, no slips, and no fantasies, to deny anything that is part of who I no longer wish to be. While that is the goal I am striving for, I need to be gentler and realistic in seeing that I will not achieve this instantaneously. There is no switch to flip to turn that part of me off. I am glad that even though I give in to the temptation from time to time, that I can disagree with Mr. Wilde in believing that this is always the case. I have choices and I can choose to do something else. Recovery continues to give me ways to live differently and handle the situations life puts before me.

Affirmation I have choices and there is power within me, supported by my Higher Power and my fellowship, to choose a new path.