May 5

"Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving."  Terry Pratchett

Some say that change is the only constant. I suppose, from a strict scientific look at the world, this is true. Everything is constantly in motion, constantly under the forces of the universe. But as a rational human being, there are times where I would disagree, where I would feel like I am stagnating, frozen in time. Those feelings of being immutable, unchanging, are more a reflection of my thoughts and feelings, my state of mind. They are not fully based on reality. In fact, it requires a conscious ignorance of my surroundings and noticing that things are indeed changing. I have merely chosen for a period of time to ignore this fact. The world moves on whether or not I decide to be aware of what is occurring. They say you can never come home again. I think the above quote accurately contradicts this idea. You can indeed go home again, but you will not be the same person you where when you left. Nor will the others who remained be the same. We are all constantly changing, adapting, and hopefully growing. Our influence lies in guiding what type of change has happened, has it been positive and nurturing, or has it not? That is the heart of the matter.

Affirmation

I will take time to notice the change around me, and choose to be an active participant rather than a spectator on the sideline.

November 25

”Character is what you know you are, not what others think you have.” Anonymous

Perception is certainly a big problem in my life, my perception of things as much as the perception that others have of me. I still struggle with the awareness that although I know I have changed because of my recovery, this does not have an immediate impact on how others see or react to me. In some cases, unfortunately, it has no impact at all. This challenge goes back to the basic principle of accepting the things I cannot change and continuing to have the courage to change the things I can. To look at this from another perspective, I know for a fact that much of my life was lived trying to please other people. That same attitude fails if I hold it and try to recover for other people. My recovery is focused on getting my own life in order, for my own benefit. True, I expect it to have a positive impact on others in my life, but that is not my primary aim. I need to save my life first if I can ever hope to be of use to anyone else. In kind, the main reason for getting my life back on track is to acknowledge the will of my Higher Power in all things, and coming to a place where I am capable of doing the things He has planned. If I spend my time worrying about others, what they think or don’t think of me, then I am merely being distracted from my true purpose. I know I have wasted too much of my time already being concerned about others opinions, it’s high time that I focus on the God of my understanding who loves me unconditionally and has forgiven me wholly and completely.

Affirmation

In working my program, in returning to myself, I am being of service to my Higher Power and displaying my true character.

June 5

”Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.” Meredith Grey

Having disclosed my addiction to those near and dear to me is a blessing, and sometimes a cursed blessing. It’s a blessing because I have finally let out the secrets and I know that as long as I have some things hidden, I will continue my poor behaviours and choices. It’s also a cursed blessing because, not only has my own awareness increased, but so has the awareness of those who know about my illness. And if they are good people who care about me, they don’t hesitate to point out when things don’t look or feel right. If I am being rigorously honest with myself, then I need to take a hard look at how others perceive me. I am still too quick to minimize or justify a situation, and sometimes, however unwanted it may be, others observations are what I need to take a deeper look at myself. There are still small seeds of guilt and shame that want to prevent me from telling others how I am really doing. My partner, in her infinite wisdom, is helping me to see that, even before I head into my middle circle, there is a gap that grows between us when I’m not working my program well enough. The longer I keep ignoring the problem, the bigger the gap is going to get, pushing me back towards isolation, which is a treacherous place for me. I am grateful for being surrounded by those who are not afraid to tell me how they see it. I can use all the help I need to stay on track.

Affirmation

God, let me be grateful today for those who have the courage to tell me when I am not being as honest with them as I need to be.

April 7

”Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” Isaac Asimov

Like everyone, I can get stuck in a rut of expecting certain people to act in certain ways because that’s just the way it is. It’s a stereotypical and even a little judgemental for me to do so, that there you have it, it’s one of my fallibilities as a human. Even though I am in recovery, changing myself and expecting that others should see the work and treat me differently, I don’t always afford others the same luxury. How very hypocritical of me indeed! So when someone does something “out of character” it usually takes me by surprise. Hopefully it’s a welcome surprise. In the past, I know I would have been suspicious of the sudden, good change but I can recognize that I am much more tolerant and accepting nowadays. I do believe in second (and third or fourth) chances for people. Things, and people, can and will change. I am grateful for the ability to experience this, and I know part of it has arisen through my growing ability to let o and not worry so much about other’s opinions. Focusing on me and what I need to change takes the pressure off trying to bend the rest of the world to my will. And washing away some of my assumptions certainly helps in making things look brighter.

Affirmation

It’s good for me to challenge my preconceptions and to open my views of the world. This is part of my healthy living.

November 30 (64)

”Laughter is the closest distance between two people.” Victor Borge

Realistically my addiction is no laughing matter. It is a damaging aspect of my life that has ruined many relationships and threatened a multitude of others. Yet at the same time I need to be able not to take everything from my past too seriously. I took many dumb risks, found myself in many crazy situations that in retrospect were ridiculous. Laughing about some of my escapades is healthy. It helps diminish the power of fantasy and promise that my addiction offered. It also is humbling and a reminder of my fallibility as a human being. There is often laughter in my meetings and it’s a testament to the bond that forms in our groups. It’s also a reflection of the understanding and compassion that exists for as I believe only and addict truly understands an addict. The ability for me and others to make jokes about our own past behaviours is part of the healing process. One experience as addicts draw us closer to others who suffer in kind. The recognition that I, too, have been there, stretches out my hand for someone else to grab onto, a life line to help pull them onto the path of recovery. Laughter is one of the ropes I can throw to show others that the program does work.

Affirmation My ability to change my perspective of the past, to be able to laugh at myself and my foibles, is a sign of growth and change.

November 9 (85)

”Gastronomy is the art of using food to create happiness.” Theodore Zeldin

It’s interesting that there are certain subjects that are considered specialities, such as gastronomy or “haute-cuisine”, being a wine connoisseur or a collector of fine art where there is an associated perception of a privileged or higher class. Yet these are also things that can be abused and are addictions. I wondered when reflecting on this quote what a sex connoisseur would look like, if such a thing did or could exist...maybe this ties into a master of the Kama Sutra or tantric sex realms? Really my question comes back to perceptions, how certain things or behaviours are socially acceptable, or at least tolerable, and how some are given an elevated status and yet others are completely abhorred. Sex addiction I think is still far from being an acceptable subject, and likely to remain given the broad spectrum of acts and behaviours that fall into this category. Alcoholism and even to some extent drug addiction are topics that can enter into normal conversation, yet one only needs check the daily news to see how we still treat sexual deviancy. Perhaps someday the stigma will lessen and it will be more acceptable to group sex addiction with the others. Until then, I am at least happy that there is still help and fellowship within all the S-groups.

Affirmation Sex can be something to create happiness, but I think I prefer when it reflects happiness that already exists within me.

May 12

”When twisted you’ll be upright; when hollowed out, you’ll be full.” Tao TêChing

I recently read an idea that gave me pause to look at myself from a new perspective. An author was describing how he was once introduced at a speaking event, but by a list of things that he was not. When I saw this it made me reflect on myself and the roles which I typically use to describe myself – child, parent, spouse and so on. I can also name off a variety of activities that I do which help to define how I see myself. Yet I think I have never considered taking the time to list the things that I am not. This also brought back memories of some drawing classes I took. One exercise was to draw some still life objects, but not by focusing on the items themselves but on the negative space, the gaps and voids that surrounded them. Another exercise had us reproduce a drawing by creating it upside down. Both exercises were eye-opening in showing me just how my own preconceptions and perceptions can keep me from seeing things realistically. Another lesson I have learned from these examples is that I need to acknowledge the things that I am good at, that I am capable of and be content, rather than wishing I can be something else. Sometimes taking stock of our qualities is a way to refocus our energies on the skills we possess rather than yearning for others.

Affirmation Today I will reflect on what I am not; those things that I do not do well. It can help me appreciate all that I have and all that I am.