August 21

”Be careful little eyes what you see, It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings, Be careful little feet where you go, For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow.” Casting Crowns, Slow Fade

Looking back it is sometimes hard to pinpoint the moments where I crossed over into addiction. I don’t recall many events that pushed me into my double life. Rather, it was a long process, a number of incidents over the course of months and years that nurtured the darkness. A multitude of situations of rejection, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, betrayal and shame were the environmental causes that pushed me in a poor direction. I didn’t know better how to deal with these issues, and so my addiction with its false hope and promises, lured me into its clutches. The phrase from the quote “when darkness pulls the strings” really resonates with me, reminding how my addict felt like an evil part of me for so long. It was a diseased part of me, nothing I wanted to look at or acknowledge as being present. It has taken a great deal of introspection to see it more positively and to accept it as part of who I am. While my acting out and related behaviours were not the healthiest choices, they did still serve a purpose in protecting me and enabling me to get to where I am today. It’s the consequences that only added to my misery which make my addiction so unpleasant. The other cautionary note in this song is being wary of the little feet that follow. The last thing I want as a father is for any of my children to become an addict. Yet I know that my years in active addiction have had a negative impact on my children. I hope that my time in recovery, the changes that they can now see as I am living a better life, will serve as a better example.

Affirmation

Accepting the slow process of becoming an addict also helps me in accepting the slow process it takes to recover.

May 10

”We cheerfully assume that in some mystic way love conquers all, that good outweighs evil in the just balances of the universe and that at the eleventh hour something gloriously triumphant will prevent the worst before it happens.” Brooks Atkinson

I do believe there is a certain balance in life, and that the disparity between right and wrong, good and evil, is part of how the world is structured. But I no longer think that there is a huge fight to figure out which side will win. All of this exists at the same time, good, evil, pain, sorrow, joy and sadness. Each has an equal part in the world, and in all human beings, me included. The path we take and the choices we make direct which parts of the universe we will focus on and share with the rest of the world. It’s by my own hand that I can make the world a better, more positive place, sharing joy and creativity with those I meet. Or, I can turn inward, and selfishly take from the world, seeking to meet my greed, and in kind leave the world a more bitter, lonely and miserable place for others. I have spent too much time blaming this, that, and the other thing for where I am in my life. Yet I am a product of my past, and the decisions I made along the way. I need to take responsibility for my part in getting to where I am today. I do have hope and faith for a better and brighter future, because, by the grace of my Higher Power, I am more aware of my personal impact. I have the power to make changes, to shape the world how I would like to see it each and every day. For those opportunities, I am eternally grateful.

Affirmation

God, grant me the courage today to make good changes in the world, to continue to strive making this planet a better place to live.

February 19

”There is nothing good or evil save in the will.” Epictetus

It is normal for us as addicts to question if our past and present actions have been good or bad. However, it is important to keep in mind that our addiction is a disease, and mostly a disease of choice. Our dependence on our sexual behaviours compromises our ability to make the appropriate choices. Our sexual desire has become our primary instinct for survival, superseding our other basic needs for food, shelter and affection. The good news is that we can re-establish these priorities in our recovery. By working the steps of the program we can begin to re-adapt to our environment, to recognize our sexual cravings as unhealthy and find more appropriate responses to satisfy our needs and to cope with situations. We will be able to rediscover that we have the willpower to make choices other than the automated responses of our addictive behaviour. Regaining the power of choice grants us the ability to make better decisions for our recovery.

Affirmation I will make the best choices I can for today and I am ready to accept the consequences of my actions. I can trust in the support of my Higher Power and my group.