August 21

”Be careful little eyes what you see, It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings, Be careful little feet where you go, For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow.” Casting Crowns, Slow Fade

Looking back it is sometimes hard to pinpoint the moments where I crossed over into addiction. I don’t recall many events that pushed me into my double life. Rather, it was a long process, a number of incidents over the course of months and years that nurtured the darkness. A multitude of situations of rejection, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, betrayal and shame were the environmental causes that pushed me in a poor direction. I didn’t know better how to deal with these issues, and so my addiction with its false hope and promises, lured me into its clutches. The phrase from the quote “when darkness pulls the strings” really resonates with me, reminding how my addict felt like an evil part of me for so long. It was a diseased part of me, nothing I wanted to look at or acknowledge as being present. It has taken a great deal of introspection to see it more positively and to accept it as part of who I am. While my acting out and related behaviours were not the healthiest choices, they did still serve a purpose in protecting me and enabling me to get to where I am today. It’s the consequences that only added to my misery which make my addiction so unpleasant. The other cautionary note in this song is being wary of the little feet that follow. The last thing I want as a father is for any of my children to become an addict. Yet I know that my years in active addiction have had a negative impact on my children. I hope that my time in recovery, the changes that they can now see as I am living a better life, will serve as a better example.

Affirmation

Accepting the slow process of becoming an addict also helps me in accepting the slow process it takes to recover.